6 Holiday Hosting 'Rules' That You Can Ditch, According To Etiquette Experts

Whether you’re throwing a large party or even a small dinner, hosting a gathering — especially during the holidays — can be stressful. It takes a ton of time and effort to clean your home, prepare enough food and make sure your guests are entertained. But the good news: There are ways you can take the pressure off hosting — and actually enjoy it.

“I want people to take the stress off by throwing away the ‘should haves’ [and] ‘have to’s,’” said Jodi RR Smith, the owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. “[Instead, hosts should] think about what’s going to work for them.”

So what are some of these “have to’s” you can ignore? We talked to modern etiquette experts about typical hosting “rules” that we can ditch, plus other tips to make hosting feel less overwhelming and more fun.

Rule #1: You need to cook everything yourself. 

“People who are really good hosts and hostesses … don’t do everything themselves,” Smith said. “They [often] do their specialties … and then they either [get help from] guests who have offered, or they outsource.” 

If guests ask what they can bring to your gathering, it’s perfectly acceptable to take them up on that. Smith advises giving them options rather than assigning them something specific. For example, you could ask them if they’d like to bring a side dish, dessert or beverage. 

“I always like to give people a choice because not everybody has the time, the energy [and] the ability [to bring certain items],” Smith explained.

Also you may decide you want to do a more casual potluck where you can ask everyone to bring their favourite dish. Just make sure you’re clear with your guests what kind of party it is and if you’d like them to bring something, added Diane Gottsman, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and founder of The Protocol School of Texas. 

Beyond getting help from family and friends, you can also buy ready-made appetisers, entrees, side dishes or desserts from a local store, bakery or deli.

“It’s perfectly fine to have the event, big or small, catered,” Gottsman said. “It’s archaic to expect a host … to do all the cooking themselves.”

Rule #2: You need to use matching dishes.

“People are often surprised to find out that I have no issue with the mixing and matching in my house,” Smith shared. 

When she’s hosting, she likes to use different serving plates she’s received from relatives over the years. While they don’t match, she likes that they fill her table with memories and are great conversation starters. 

Gottsman said that using matching china and silverware is an outdated rule. 

“Now you can just bring out what you have, and if you don’t have everything, ask your friends … [to bring] extra plates [or serving platters],” she said.

Rule #3: You need to use formal china and silverware.

What if you prefer skipping the formal dishes and silverware altogether and opting for paper products? 

“If worrying about formal china or getting all the spots out of the silver is stressing you out, skip it and simplify,” said Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and co-host of “Were You Raised By Wolves?” podcast. “I’d much rather eat off of paper plates with a relaxed host than off of bone china with someone that’s totally stressed out.”

While Smith agrees you don’t have to pull out the formal dishes, she said to think about when you will use them if you don’t for the holidays.

“My philosophy is: I would rather pull out the good stuff and have something chip, break or crash in use than to find myself at 102 [years old] with … perfect china and crystal that I never used,” she explained.

Gottsman added that she also considers the formality of the event when deciding whether to pull out the nice dishes. For casual events, there are tons of beautiful paper product options available now that you may want to consider.

Rule #4: You need to have assigned seating.

While you can use place cards at the dining table, it’s not necessary if you prefer not to, Gottsman said.

“Assigned seating [can be] nice for … occasions when you’re trying to mix up people …  but at the same time, there are many guests who just want to sit down [where they want] and enjoy people they haven’t seen for a while,” she explained.

If you don’t want to have a seated dinner, it’s also OK to do a buffet-style meal and self-serve drinks, Leighton added.

“Be casual if that’s your style or that’s the vibe,” Leighton said. “The point of it all is just to be together.”

Rule #5: Your house needs to be spotless before you have people over.

While our experts agreed it’s a good idea to clean before guests arrive, it can feel overwhelming if you’re trying to clean every inch of your home.

“Focus first on the areas [where] guests are going to be spending the most time … and [are] most likely to see,” Leighton said. “You can probably get away with leaving that dust bunny under the couch, but it’d be good to give the guest bathroom a good scrubbing.”

If it’s in your budget, Smith said that you can consider hiring a service to help with cleaning your home before or after the event. And if guests ask to help with clearing the table or putting away leftovers, it’s OK to take them up on that.

Rule #6: You “have to” do things the same way you’ve always done them.

If you’re hosting a holiday gathering annually or even just more than once, you may feel like you need to invite the same people and follow the same format as before. But don’t be afraid to change it up, especially if it makes things easier for you as the host. 

For example, if the family members who you usually invite don’t get along or are negative, try adding in some positive people (maybe a neighbour or friend who doesn’t have family in town) to balance it out, Smith suggested. If you feel like the gathering was too long previously, shorten the time frame. If you usually host a holiday and feel like it’s too much this year, it’s perfectly acceptable to say you can’t, as long as you let people know far enough in advance.

“The idea that there are things that you ‘have’to do … is outdated,” Smith said. “Take a moment [before hosting your next gathering]… and think about how you want [it] … to play out. Because while you can’t control everything as the host, you have a lot of control about what happens in your own space.”