We’ve Found It … The Worst Christmas Movie Of All Time

Christmas rom-coms get a free pass in almost every area of their filmmaking: writing, acting, cinematography … you name it.

If there’s holiday cheer and unchallenging conflict throughout – and the two characters kiss in the end – then all else is forgiven. No one expects movies like Hot Frosty to get an Oscar nomination. On the other hand, some Christmas rom-coms are just so bad that they transcend every cliché of the genre to become a steaming tinseled turd. Case in point: I Believe in Santa.

The movie follows Tom, a grown man and lawyer who believes that Santa Claus is real. His devoted girlfriend of six months, Lisa, discovers this and must subsequently choose whether to stay with him or not. In another world, this movie could have been a darker cousin of Elf. But we are not in that world, and I Believe in Santa is neither funny nor coherent; in fact, it reaches The Room levels of absurdity, and for that reason, you must see it immediately. Watched in the right spirit (cynicism, ruthlessness), it is very entertaining. 

I could begin with the plotting. Somehow, the movie doesn’t just start with Tom and Lisa in a relationship and takes 30 minutes to drop the Santa bomb. But that seems like such a minor quibble when I start to think of everything else in I Believe in Santa…

The utter lack of sexual chemistry  

I know it’s not nice to say it out loud when straight-identifying people act really gay. Everyone should be able to come out on their own time. But John Ducey, who plays Tom and who has “married a woman” according to his IMDB biography, seems really gay. (By the way, whenever a guy writes “married a woman” instead of “married [insert name of woman]” in their bio, it’s probably because they’re making a very big deal about how NOT GAY they are. Just something I’ve learned from dating closeted guys.)

However, Ducey is not a good enough actor to disguise his campiness, and comes off as uncomfortable in all of his scenes with Lisa (Christina Moore). When they sip wine in a romantic scene, it comes across as two Best Marys kiki-ing about the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Oh wait, but there’s more! These two are actually married in real life! Yep, Moore is the aforementioned “woman.” And yet, when Ducey has to look at Moore from across the room with lust in his eyes, he mostly looks like he’s holding back diarrhea. Perhaps this IMDB reviewer’s description of I Believe in Santa describes it best: “A story of a closeted gay man who finds a woman to be his hag wife.” Stay real, rahulkohli-30366. 

“Have you guys ever been flocked?” 

For a movie that presents Tom’s belief in Santa as an allegory for religious faith, I Believe in Santa spends a lot of time making sexual puns. 

Example: 

Tom (flocking Christmas tree): Have you guys ever been flocked?

Child: That is so cool. What else can we flock?

Tom: (unnatural laugh)

And another example: 

Tom: Flock yeah!

Tom then notices a white, faintly moist substance on his coat. It’s snow, but instead he says…

Tom: Looks like I’ve been flocked!

Lisa: (Gives disapproving look as if to say, “We don’t openly discuss what you do at home with your male roommate.”)

And speaking of that roommate…

Despite being a 50-year-old lawyer with a cavernous apartment, Tom has a young, hot, male roommate (Assan, played by Sachin Bhatt). Lisa never questions this or sees it as a red flag and even befriends Assan to try and understand her Santa-loving boyfriend. This causes Assan to liken his Muslim faith – and possibly every other non-Christian religion – to believing in Santa. Mind you, this movie is written by a white guy. Oh wait, this movie’s screenwriter is actually John Ducey, the actor who plays Tom! Is I Believe in Santa autobiographical? Does Ducey have a hot male roommate in real life? Judging by the utter relief on his wife’s face every time they kiss on screen, I’m guessing yes. 

Freckles

This movie has an entire subplot about Tom having an ongoing snowball fight/blood feud with a 10-year-old boy named “Freckles” from his neighborhood. This ongoing feud has no relation to anything else in the story, and yet escalates wildly, as depicted in intermittent scenes that come out of nowhere.

Tom’s argument for why Santa obviously exists

When Lisa learns that Tom believes in Santa, she does not block him on all social media or leave immediately. Instead, she tries to reason with him, despite the fact that he is a grown 50-year-old lawyer who believes that there’s a portly snow daddy with dominion over time and space who lives in the North Pole and can fly. However, when she points out how illogical this is, Tom confidently argues that Santa’s physics are possible because he’s “immortal” and because he “lives in a different version of time than us.” Science!

Honestly, y’all, there are so many other deranged moments in this movie that I feel like you should discover them for yourselves. And if you play a drinking game, then you can drink every time a supporting character encourages Lisa to continue dating a man who is so obviously a closeted gay serial killer. Enjoy!