Dear Abby: I’m not ready to leave my marriage, but my new woman won’t wait

DEAR ABBY: I got married at 27 because I was careless and got her pregnant. We now have three adult children and a 16-year-old.

I haven’t been happy, but I told myself that when the kids get on their own, I will move on.

Well, I recently met someone. She’s a divorcee, and we have gotten together a few times. She invited me to move in with her. When I told her I just couldn’t, she moved out of state.

I feel lost because we talked just about every day, and she doesn’t want to talk with me at all now. I’m not mad at her; I’m angry with myself.

Help me deal with this, please.

— SEARCHING IN OHIO

DEAR SEARCHING: You state that you “told yourself” that when the kids were on their own, you would move on. Did you share those thoughts with your wife?

If you married her only to “legitimize” your firstborn, how did you wind up the father of four? There might have been fewer if you had told her what you were thinking.

You mention that your youngest is now 16. That means in two years they will be considered an adult. Are there plans for college? Will you be supporting this child until the age of 21?

A way to “deal with this” would be to kick yourself for jumping the gun on the romance.

I’ll also say this: The woman you involved yourself with has a good head on her shoulders and proved it by distancing herself from you.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently informed that my teenage granddaughter is identifying as a boy, preferring a male name and using he/him pronouns.

The parents are supportive, to a point. The mother uses the preferred name and pronouns. The father supports the use of this name and pronouns in school and elsewhere, but at home he still uses the birth name and female pronouns. He has apparently made this clear to the child, who accepts the situation.

My wife agrees with the father. I do as well, but I want to maintain a relationship with my grandchild.

In the past, we have mostly communicated via text or by mail. We haven’t seen each other in person in many years, except for a short drive-by visit during COVID.

I’d like her to know I love her, and I hope she has a wonderful future, but I am incredibly sad about this situation. How do I reach out to her? What do I say?

— CONFLICTED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR CONFLICTED: Reach out to your grandchild as you always have, via text or mail using his preferred name.

Instead of being “sad,” be glad he is able to authentically express who he really is.

There is much discrimination against transgender people of every age, so continue letting your grandchild know he is loved and accepted by his grandparents. If you would like more information about how to reach a level of better understanding, an organization called PFLAG can be helpful.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.