Jezebel's Top 24 Stories of 2024
Happy New Year! I hope you had a perfect New Year's Eve and get to spend today resting and psyching yourself up for the shit show that is sure to be 2025. But before you give 2024 one final middle finger, the Jezebel staff and our contributors worked their asses off all year to ensure you, our beautiful, brilliant readers, stayed informed and entertained. You didn't like everything we wrote, but here are the stories you really, really loved.
24. People Hate Chris Pratt Again
By Audra Heinrichs
"Last year, Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger purchased what architectural aficionados lauded as a midcentury modern masterpiece with all the trimmings by a “pioneer of modern landscaping.” Soon, however, it’ll become a regular Ronald McMansion farmhouse à la the Valley Village dwellings once shared by two Vanderpump Rules couples that are no longer. That’s right. As if we weren’t already keenly aware: this Bible-thumping couple is basic as hell."
23. Mauricio Umansky Has a PPP Problem…
By Audra Heinrichs
"Now, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a big company with a lot of employees—damn near a thousand, in fact. It would make perfect sense that Umansky needed some PPP assistance during the pandemic since, surely, all the one percenters put a pause on purchasing luxury properties. Here’s the problem: They didn’t. Realtor LLC claimed that Umansky’s company was “minimally impacted” by the pandemic and, in fact, “grew massively” by earning $6.5 billion in 2020 and $11.2 billion in 2021."
22. My Christmas Wish for George R.R. Martin: Let It Go.
By Jackie Jennings
"There's a Game of Thrones movie in the works, and Martin is going to be heavily involved. And look, I love my Westerosi friends, but enough is enough."
21. Republicans Are Really Into This Whole Child Marriage Thing
By Kylie Cheung
"For the second week in a row, Republicans in state legislatures are making the interesting choice of fighting for child marriage. In Missouri, where children 16 or older can marry with parental permission, a bill to prohibit anyone under age 18 from getting a marriage license easily cleared the Republican-controlled Senate 31 to one last month. But now, the bill can’t get out of committee in the state House because seven out of 14 committee members are House Republicans who oppose the bill."
20. Kim Davis Tees Up Supreme Court to Reverse Marriage Equality Ruling
By Susan Rinkunas
"In an appeal over damages awarded to a same-sex couple, Davis says the 2015 decision in Obergefell v. Hodges is wrong and should be overruled just like Roe v. Wade."
19. Fans Think Taylor Swift Got ‘the Ick’ From Travis Kelce During His Little Super Bowl Speech
By Kylie Cheung
"Kelce let loose during his victory speech and Swift’s facial expressions while watching him were pretty, err, relatable…"
18. Riley Keough on Her Mother, Lisa Marie Presley: ‘She Was Heartbroken My Whole Life’
By Audra Heinrichs
"The decision, Presley writes, haunted her so much that she “planned and plotted and schemed” to figure out when she was ovulating and proceeded to follow Danny onto a cruise ship where his band was performing. “I didn’t care if he wanted to be a part of it or not. I felt that I had to redeem, to make amends, because I still couldn’t believe I had had an abortion,” Presley wrote. “I thought, I’m going to have this child. There is a child I need to be having.”
17. For No Reason Whatsoever, Here’s What Shia LaBeouf & James Franco Have Previously Been Accused of…
By Kylie Cheung
"For good reason, both of these men’s careers have been fairly quiet in the wake of… all of this. But in the face of celebratory social media posts and reporting about their returns and respective appearances at Cannes, their alleged mistreatment of women should be front-and-center in any conversations about them. Alleged abuse isn’t just a footnote; it’s an actual safety concern for women and frankly, everyone these men work with. So, if you’re a media outlet that finds yourself giddily tweeting out, “Shia LaBeouf has returned to the red carpet after 4 YEARS,” consider, at the very least, contextualizing why it’s been that long. "
16. It Ends With Reputational Ruin
By Audra Heinrichs
"Will we ever find out what happened between these two? Who knows! Neither have commented directly on any of the allegations yet. But given Lively is currently getting canceled on TikTok and Baldoni is weathering his own share of negative press, it’s looking like this story ends with reputational ruin."
15. Sophie Turner Is Living the Revenge Fantasy of My Dreams
By Lauren Tousignant
"I’m not going through a divorce or even a breakup, but my god, if I was, this would be my exact revenge fantasy—especially if I had just been slammed as an absent, hard-partying mom by my shitty ex. If there was a museum of revenge stories, Turner’s would be the work of art everyone stands in line to see. It’s like Vincent Van Gogh’s “The Starry Night,” Sandro Botticelli’s “The Birth of Venus,” and Artemisia Gentileschi’s “Judith Slaying Holofernes” all rolled into one stunning masterpiece."
14. The DNC Floor Got Real Tense When Instructed Not to Move So a 110-Year-Old Camera Could Capture a Photo
By Lauren Tousignant
"I tried to take a video of the scene, but my hand was hanging at my side and the vibes got so tense that I was too scared to bend my arm. The photographer, Abbas Shirmohammadi, kept begging the thousands of attendees to stop moving since even the slightest movement could blur a piece of the photo. “Do. Not. Move,” he said slowly at one point as if he was speaking to a room of first graders. 'It’s an extremely sensitive camera.'"
13. 10 True Scary Stories That Will Send Shivers Down Your Spine
Judged, compiled, and edited by Nora Biette-Timmons
"The end of October is nearly upon us, which means only one thing here at Jezebel: Our scary story contest is coming to a close, and we’re publishing the winning tales below. We were delighted—and terrified, frankly—to read everyone’s entries; this was a good year, and no I’m not just saying that to flatter you. Our winning stories are a mix of the supernatural, the unexplainable, and perhaps the scariest of all: the very human."
12. The Issue With Having Sex With 100 Men In a Day Isn’t the Sex Work, It’s the Content Mill
By Jackie Jennings
"However, I think this specific stunt breaks norms in the porn and film industries in ways that are destructive. Phillips’s stated goal was to have sex with 100 men in a day, one man at a time for five minutes apiece, and no guarantees of finishing. Though this sounds like a straightforward premise, it’s an incredibly challenging film production, something Phillips and her team seem totally unaware of. It’s their lack of knowledge, skill, preparation, and professionalism that lead to disaster."
11. Olivia Rodrigo’s Team Reportedly Won’t Let Abortion Funds Hand Out Plan B or Condoms at Shows Anymore
By Susan Rinkunas
"Multiple sources told Jezebel that, the next day, the National Network of Abortion Funds (NNAF) told member funds slated to table at future tour stops that Rodrigo’s management now prohibited them from distributing these supplies. The reason given was that the items would be too accessible to young girls in attendance. (Though, if they’re very young, presumably they’re not at the show without a chaperone?)"
10. Don Lemon’s Wedding Was the Worst
By Audra Heinrichs
"When one openly insufferable person gets married, the odds are that at least fifty percent of the guest list is also openly insufferable. So, of course, Lemon’s side of the church included a predator, a phony Spaniard, and pretty much a who’s who roster of the most annoying people still on television."
9. Taylor Swift Gets ‘the Ick’ From Travis Kelce Again
By Lauren Tousignant
"I love Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce together and am very happy for them and both of their respective, continued successes. But every once in a while, my brain reminds me of Kelce screaming “Viva Las Vegas” after winning the Super Bowl in February and I cringe so hard I nearly puncture my eardrums with my shoulder blades."
8. Ravioli’s Day of Reckoning Has Arrived
By Sophie Vershbow
"I’m not interested in talking about the overall absurdity of NYC dining prices (when did we agree to pay $24 for a side of broccolini?!), but I am interested in telling you why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam. It doesn’t matter whether you’re dining at Eleven Madison Park or stuffing your face at an Italian joint off the NJ highway with clear ties to the local mob, we as a society are being criminally under-served ravioli at every turn. "
7. It’s Hard to Pull Off a Memoir About Hating Men When You Won’t (or Can’t) Write About Your Famous Ex
By Kady Ruth Ashcraft
"Writing around Mulaney is no small task and one that, ultimately, I don’t think Tendler successfully executes. His omission, for whatever reason (some people speculate there’s an NDA), begs the question of what else readers are supposed to glean from this book. The unsatisfying answer Tendler provides are tales of her two-week stay at an in-patient psychiatric hospital in January 2021 and recounting formative romantic and family relationships through her youth to early 20s. Those anecdotes themselves are, at times, insightful and relatable, but the memoir as a whole feels more like following stray yarns that never quite get woven into a fully fleshed out tapestry."
6. Hundreds of Hollywood Creatives Sign Open Letter Condemning Jonathan Glazer’s Oscars Speech
By Audra Heinrichs
"The irony here is that not only is Glazer Jewish, but he took home the Best International Film award for a story quite literally about the active and passive dehumanization of innumerable Jewish lives in Nazi-era Germany. Much was said about The Zone of Interest‘s depiction of the banality of evil during the film’s press cycle—but it can’t be said enough that Glazer’s film also encapsulated the mental gymnastics humans are capable of in justifying their actions, and in this case, wickedness. The Höss family was able to enjoy their lives—to laugh, swim, play, throw parties, etc.—as thousands of Jews were annihilated just over their fence."
5. Kansas City Chiefs Kicker Tells Graduating Women to Get in the Kitchen
By Audra Heinrichs
"Harrison Butker, a kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, on Sunday addressed the graduating class of Benedictine College, the Catholic liberal arts school known for forcing a queer-identifying basketball player to remove a Pride flag from his dorm. The 28-year-old spent his allotted 20 minutes encouraging students to denounce “dangerous gender ideologies,” and “the tyranny of diversity, equity and inclusion.” Bold of a man who’s only six years older than the average graduating student and identifies as “@buttkicker7″ on Twitter to tell young people how to live their lives but what else is new?"
4. Professional Dog Walkers Aren’t Sure JD Vance Has Ever Walked—or Even Met—His Dog Before
By Kylie Cheung
"In the now-viral video of Vance walking his dog up to the plane, he appears to hold the middle part of the leash rather than the wrist section. Eventually, he shifts his hand to hold that part but does so with only three fingers. Atlas is not a small dog. “If at any point [Atlas] decided to chase something, he’d be gone,” Eli Yudin, a comedian, podcaster, and retired professional dog walker, told Jezebel. “He’d probably leave a pretty big burn on [Vance’s] hand too.” Ouch! You’d think someone who’s walked his dog before might actively try to avoid that."
3. Cher’s Memoir Confirms Sonny Bono Was, in Fact, a POS
By Audra Heinrichs
"All in all, Cher’s continued candor is more evidence that Bono was every bit the asshole others have claimed he was. Never forget when he tried to impose an anti-nudity law for spring breakers during his tenure as Mayor of Palm Springs. Anyway. Most disturbing of all (apart from the fact that he met Cher when she was just 16 years old) are the details of their “loveless” six-year marriage and its dissolution."
2. A Peek Behind the Ballerina Farm Facade Is Bleak as Hell
By Kady Ruth Ashcraft
"What Agnew’s article made clear is that superficial design is not simply motivated by one woman’s enlightenment achieved via dutiful domestic bliss. Instead, it seems a lot more likely it’s just a profitable fantasy dreamt up by that woman’s controlling husband. "
1. What’s Going on With the Crotches of Women’s Track Uniforms?
By Susan Rinkunas
"But while watching Trials, I noticed another professional kit that did not sit right with my spirit. Adidas decided to use color blocking in an unholy way: To create the look of an extra high-cut leg on a full-coverage silhouette, which has the effect of drawing the eye right to the crotch. This is a design that really screams: HEY LOOK, PUBIC BONES!"