Southern Charm Recap: We Need to Talk About Craig

I’m not sure if this episode is well timed or poorly timed, considering its premiere comes hot on the heels of the announcement that Craig and Paige have split up after three years of dating. (I guess that makes her assumption in the Summer House trailer that they will break up even more prophetic.) The episode is essentially all about Craig, the changes he’s made in his life, how everyone around him feels about them, and the weird decision he made to freeze his sperm. Why put his boys in a cryogenic slumber? Oh, he’s not concerned about the health of his seed; he’s more worried that he’ll be in some kind of freak crafting accident that will neuter him and he’ll need his frozen reserve to finally become a father. But, as stupid as that decision is, at least Craig was smart enough to take off his mic before going to enjoy some gentleman’s time in the “collection room.” You know they would have used that audio.

This episode was also very briefly about Craig saying that JT called Miss Patricia a B-word and JT being upset about it, but this was only a blip. Before we talk about Craig, it’s worth noting that, at this point, the cast has become almost entirely bifurcated. Craig, Austen, Shep, and Whitney are the OG guys, and Madison is crammed in there for support. This is the central nexus around the show, and it continues to survive and thrive.

The rest of the cast is barely worth mentioning and seems entirely outside the story line. If I’m being sincere, if each of them were to get raptured today, I don’t think I would miss a single one of them except Rodrigo because life can never have enough hot gays. We see Salley’s weird morning routine to be a doctor; we get a visit to Taylor’s house, which is so beachy there are oars for banisters; and Rod stops by to talk to her briefly about Gaston. Leva finally checked in to go to one (1) coffee with JT, as she is contractually obligated, and all Molly and Leva did was make a bed and clean the back porch, respectively. At this point, is it even worth keeping these ancillary characters around? When will a single one of them earn their keep? At least Molly is doing chores around the house.

In our first scene with Craig, he’s at home considering what to do with his FROG, an acronym for the “Front Room Over the Garage,” and I have never felt more manipulated and marketed to in all my life. I also hope that I never live somewhere that I might actually have a FROG. Maybe one in my Hamptons home, but if I am living in the Hamptons, it means that Fire Island is the new Atlantis and ecological catastrophe is only days away. Craig wants to transition it from being just a podcast room into a crafting room that also has some microphones in it. How else will Craig use his sewing machine, his embroidery machine, and his Cricut (pronounced “cricket”), which I had never heard of before and now need desperately. I think that Craig is less into crafting than he is into having gadgets.

Craig complains to Paige over the phone that Austen never comes to record their podcast together because he’s usually too hungover, adding that all Austen wants to do is party, and all Craig wants to do is sit at home gardening and auditioning for an HGTV show that is never going to materialize. He also asks Paige if she wants a wrapping paper wall, and she says people who want wrapping rooms are insane. Well, I guess that makes me crazy. I would move to the Hamptons if someone offered me a wrapping room (and a free house in the Hamptons).

Everyone converges at a very fancy restaurant for Miss Patricia’s 77th-birthday party, and she looks fantastic. Know what the best thing you can do for your skin is? Be rich. I mean, look at this lady! She says it’s all thanks to regular visits to the dermatologist, the dentist, and martinis. It’s a good combination.

Talk at dinner turns to why Craig isn’t invited, and they say that he’s out of town. Then Austen says Craig just got back, called him to ask if he wanted to hang out, and Austen had to tell him he was going to Miss Pat’s birthday dinner that he wasn’t invited to. They’re trying to figure out whether or not Craig is going to think it’s a big deal, and Shep says that if Craig thinks it’s a big deal, then he should make more of an effort to be around them, and then he would get invited to all the functions.

I totally get that Craig should spend more time with the crew, but there seems to be a bit of jealousy here. They say that Craig is always hawking a product, that he’s always trying to capitalize on things, and he’s not the fun, goofy Craig that they grew to love. They blame Paige, and it seems like they’re blaming him for trying to capitalize on this platform they all share. The problem is that none of them have thought to do the same. Sure, Whitney and Shep have family money to fall back on, but Austen should be doing a lot more hawking. This show (or their tenures on it) will end eventually — and then what is going to pay the bills?

There also seem to be some incorrect assumptions about how much Craig is actually doing. Shep says that Craig isn’t in the warehouse with a hard hat on and that his business partner, Jerry, does all the work. Then we get a reminder that Jerry is secretly the hottest guy on Southern Charm. Does he want to be gay? Does he want to come visit the Eiffel Tower with me and Rodrigo and Tyler and Ryan and Dr. Eddie? Wait, that’s too many people to visit the Eiffel Tower. Where should we go? The Pentagon, I guess. Hmm. This should be logistically interesting. Also, someone needs to get booted. Hmm.

However, while Jerry may be doing the work, Craig has the hardest job. It’s about marketing. No matter how many products Jerry comes up with, if Craig isn’t on TV and social media creating the market for them, they’re totally worthless. They should all be so smart to get a Jerry. They should all be doing this. Shep thinks Craig is too worried about his image. Shep says, “It’s important to be honest and human, and the image will take care of itself.” EEEEEHHHHH. Wrong. Shep is honest and human, and what is his image? We all think of him as a playboy who will never grow up, is terrible to his girlfriends, has anger issues, drinks too much, and dresses poorly. I mean, do I need to go on? Maybe he should be a bit more concerned about his image, and maybe Craig should be a little less concerned about his, but just being honest isn’t working for Shep.

As much as I was on Craig’s side at dinner — and Madison’s, since she was the only one to have his back — I was on Austen’s side when Austen goes to Craig’s house to talk to him about the fallout from not being invited. Craig is trying to frame the argument as what brings him joy now is working and making money, so if his friends don’t want to help him engage in those things, then they can get the hell out of there. Actually, we need to quote Craig here. “Making money, getting healthy, and fucking my girlfriend. That’s what I wanna do.” Okay. Priorities. But it seems like he still wants to be invited to and included in things.

Austen makes an excellent point that when he wants someone to go to lunch with, he doesn’t call Craig anymore because he always says no. There may be legitimate reasons, like Craig is working and Austen has nothing but time, but when you always say no, that’s when the invites stop flowing. Craig is like, “Still invite me!” But why waste the time? So maybe Craig isn’t a spontaneous hang kinda friend for Austen anymore, but it seems like Craig can’t be a plans friend either, canceling a golf date at the last minute so that he can film content for his upcoming gardening line.

Craig thinks that Austen just misses his drinking buddy, but I don’t think that’s true, and neither does Austen. I think the problem here is that Craig wants everything on his terms. He wants them to come to his house to hang out. Craig wants them to do what Craig wants to do. Craig wants everyone to grow up a little bit just like him. Okay, it’s good to want things, but that’s not how friendships work. It’s about give and take, it’s about compromise. It’s about going to your friend’s house occasionally. It’s about meeting them at the bar once a quarter and leaving early instead of every night and staying until close. It’s about showing them that you’re making an effort to keep things alive. Craig is right; their friendship is never going to look the same, but Craig isn’t showing that he cares about anything but himself, his business, his body, and his girlfriend. Craig issues a final ultimatum to Austen to either swim in his pool or leave. Yes, the pool looks clean, cool, and inviting, but if these are the only choices Craig is offering his friends, then Austen made the exact right choice. At least Craig has the pool robot to keep him company.