GREG GUTFELD: I've mastered the art of being selfish but becoming a parent has taught me this

So, I'm back. And true, I had a baby. I was out for a month and I have the chewed-up nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I guess that makes me qualified to run the Department of Transportation. Speaking of trans... any man who thinks putting on a dress in a wig makes you a woman, no way. I was there when that baby popped out, and no dude can do that. You might as well put on a diaper and claim you're a baby or a president. But there are few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not just because you have to imagine them having sex, but they act like they're the first person to do it, like they just invented having children. 

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It's funny. A lot of new parents just years ago were telling you that having kids was selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among the starving billions? Then they have kids and suddenly their precious brat is the exception. They went from hating kids to having one that they can't wait to transition. It amazes me more that some moms can be so pro-abortion. It's like being a biological Benedict Arnold. Because these moms know that having kids is the best thing they're ever going to do. Aside from ironing.

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But rather than endure smears by their fellow diaper deniers for indulging the patriarchy, they cheer women to abort the one thing that gives them meaning in life. Besides watching this show, of course. So what's the male equivalent? Well, imagine a guy winning a Bronze Star and saying it's not worth it. Sorry, that's the only thing he's going to remember on his deathbed. Well, that and the orgy with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yeah, Charlotte Rae really knew how to party. And yeah, I'm comparing motherhood to war because it is. 

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Women put in a nine-month tour of duty and, at the end, are so full of hormones and exhaustion, it makes PTSD look like athlete's foot. And for that reason, we should treat moms like conquering heroes. But the message from most libs? Don't have kids. But if we do, it's because our kids will be better than yours. Because in the media, we act like everything we do is of bigger importance. But do you think my Uncle Frank, a plumber, got to take a month off every time his wife pushed one out? Please. This guy had a plunger back in his hand three minutes after they cut the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I think he brought the plunger to the birth, just in case. 

So, I won't brag. Seven billion people have gone through this. But if you're shocked by me having a brat at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It's not easy, but it's not earth-shattering either. The lesson I've learned is how much I got to unlearn. Meaning, throughout my life, I've mastered the art of being selfish, and it's helped my career. But a great career isn't hard when you're only about you. Although there are exceptions. But if you work single-mindedly for ten years, you can master any profession except maybe porn, because in five years you've already aged out. 

Ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but you're done once the carpet matches the drapes. So becoming a parent at my age is forcing me to learn things many of you learned in your 20s, 30s and 40s – that you have to think about someone else. And for me, that's tough. My entire home has changed. Now there's someone else sleeping in the bassinet. But a wise person told me this – once you have a kid, you can't regret anything you did before that because to change the past would erase the possibility of that child. It may be why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.

It's awesome. Suddenly I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message to you, men and women. If you feel regret over your past, have a kid. Yeah. Yeah. It's easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, kids practically take care of themselves. Right now, mine's sitting in the car double-parked outside. Don't worry. I rolled down the windows.