‘My Divorced Dad Bought a House With His Secret Girlfriend’

Dear Emily,

My parents divorced last year, which was a big relief for everyone. It was a long time coming, and they’re both happy to be moving on. Almost immediately, my dad started dating someone new. I’ve only met her a few times, but she seems perfectly nice and gets along well with all my siblings. There’s only one issue. My dad has kept their relationship secret from my mom for over a year, and I just found out they bought a house together. My dad and his girlfriend hosted my siblings and I at their new place on Christmas Eve, which we then couldn’t really say anything about to my mom at her place the next day.

When I found out about my dad’s girlfriend months ago, he said he hadn’t told my mom yet because he wanted to do it in person and the timing just wasn’t right. But I’m starting to think he’s never going to do it, which puts everyone else in a really awkward position. I don’t think my mom will care that he’s dating someone — she’s told me she’s never been happier in her life now that they aren’t together anymore — it’s just the secrecy that’s an issue. What should I do? I don’t think it’s my place to tell her (that’s his responsibility) but I’m tempted to just do it and get it over with. I’m also frustrated that he’s being so immature about all this. Is it really my job to call him up and ask him to act like an adult? What I thought was a peaceful divorce feels like it’s becoming more complicated by the day.

Sincerely,
Divorced Parents Drama

Dear Divorced Parents Drama,

It’s very annoying and unfair that, as we grow older, we continually become more aware that the people who raised us are fallible humans with their own issues, just like us, and not the Godlike beings we might have thought they were when we were kids. You’d think this would be obvious information that our brains would assimilate quickly with a satisfying, Lego-like click the first time we ever noticed the signs that our parents are simply people, but it’s actually a lifelong process. The idea that we should defer to our parents’ authority is hardwired in us when we’re too young to have rational thoughts and feelings, and no matter how much we think we’ve learned our lesson, that basic instinct is hard to shake. So cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to feel appropriately annoyed that your dad has put you and your siblings in an untenably weird situation. You can be mad at him about this! It’s also not necessarily your problem to solve.

True, you could call him up or meet up with him in person and simply say something like “Dad, your not telling mom about your new girlfriend and the house you’ve just bought together makes the rest of us feel like we’re lying when we fail to mention it to her, and since I don’t even think she’d mind knowing, I really wish you’d go ahead and tell her yourself.” But even then, you can’t force him to take action. Make your feelings known if it would make you feel better to do so, but do so with the understanding that he very well might ignore your request.

You could also go ahead and tell your mom, if the feeling that keeping a secret from her is stressing you out. It’s not reasonable for your dad to expect you or your siblings to keep this information from her, and you’d be well within your rights to get it off your chest. But I want to emphasize that it’s in no way your responsibility to do so. Nor is it your siblings.’

The other option is to simply do … nothing. This might feel harder than doing something. I’m assuming based on the information in your letter — that you feel somewhat obligated to tell your mom if your dad won’t, and that you’ve taken on this duty rather than shifting the burden to one of your siblings — that this isn’t the first time you’ve felt like something awry in your family is on you to fix. But in this case, your divorced mom and dad are both grown adults living independent lives that don’t affect you or your siblings, except when you talk to or go and visit one or the other of them. Whether or not your dad tells your mom about his new girlfriend and living situation, she’ll probably find out eventually one way or another. You could just wait this one out. “I bought a house with my new girlfriend” doesn’t really seem like the kind of secret a once-married person is going to be able to keep from his ex-spouse forever, especially if they retain any mutual friends or acquaintances.

Above all, the important thing here is for you to recognize that resolving your divorced parents’ communication issues doesn’t need to be an item on your personal to-do list. Of course you feel like it is; you feel responsible for keeping the peace, making things less awkward, and shielding whoever’s feelings need to be shielded. Maybe that’s been your role in your family for a while now. But you can choose to decide to let it not be, starting now, or whenever you feel like it. You could even call it a New Year’s resolution, if you’re into that kind of thing. Personally I prefer eminently achievable ones, like “brush your teeth twice a day.” That way you get the glow of accomplishment without having to talk about anything extra with your therapist.

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