Remember That It’s Not Real: 5 Tips For Dealing With A Fictitious Rat Infestation

Dealing with a fictional rat infestation? Don’t panic. Consider these five tips as you take care of the imaginary problem.

1. Remember that it’s not that bad because it’s not actually happening

Right off the bat, you’re going to want to keep in mind the fact that things could always be worse, especially because the situation you’re dealing with isn’t even happening at all. You could have been in a serious car accident, or a loved one could have died. Instead, you just have a rat infestation, and the best part is, it’s not even real.

2. While rats can transmit diseases, they can’t transmit them to you, because they’re not in your house

Although rats and their feces can transmit viruses such as hantavirus and tularemia—two conditions you only know about because you googled “rats diseases humans” after convincing yourself your home is full of rats for pretty much no reason at all—you stand no chance at catching these, since fictitious rats pose no health risk whatsoever.

3. If three exterminators and a shaman have already told you there are no rats, it’s okay to believe them

At this point, you’ve likely grown attached to the idea that your home is wall-to-wall infested with rats that come out as soon as you fall asleep and return instantly to their hiding places every time you bolt awake to look for them. But if you’ve called in several experts from both the scientific and the religious realms, all of whom have said you do not have an infestation, the best course of action is to simply believe them.

4. Dreams—and whatever you see during them—do not count as “100 percent proof”

Unfortunately, having a recurring dream every night that rats are living in your dresser drawers means absolutely nothing as far as whether or not you actually have an infestation. Additionally, even a dream that’s “really, really realistic” does count as “100 percent proof” of a “severe, life-altering rat problem.”

5. Even if your home was full of rats, which it’s not, your fictitious scabies problem is much worse

Rats live with you. Scabies live on you. A scabies infestation results in an itchy, highly visible rash that will repel everyone you know and is much, much worse than a rat problem. You should go to the doctor ASAP, because if you’ve got a nonexistent rat infestation, you’re almost certainly dealing with a fictitious scabies issue as well. Good luck!