My best friend has shut me out since I found out about her open relationship

DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has completely shut me out since I tackled her about her polyamorous relationship. 

She is getting married next month and I felt I had to tell her I was worried after I discovered her secret.

But she got angrier than I’ve ever seen when I spoke up. I’m no longer her maid of honour and she’s told me to ‘keep my nose out’.

I’m 32, and my friend is 33.

I had been worrying about her as she’d become a little distant and trying to get a conversation out of her has been like pulling teeth.

She always dismissed me, saying she was simply stressed with wedding planning.

Then another friend confided in me that my best friend’s fiance had asked her if she fancied ‘a quickie’ explaining they had opened up their relationship. 

The friend had refused and also felt worried for our friend.

We both questioned whether they should be getting married, considering this new development, and also whether it would be the right environment for children.

I agreed to talk to our friend and she confessed they were both seeing other people alongside each other. 

She told me it had made their relationship and sex life better than ever and she felt more alive than ever.

Taken aback she lost it with me, calling me judgmental, simply because I asked if her fiance had pushed her into it. She said she’d kept it from me because she knew I’d make her feel ashamed.

I don’t even know if I’m welcome at her wedding now.

How do I fix this?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s natural that you’re concerned about your friend, especially as she has become withdrawn. 

This could be because she wanted their polyamorous relationship to remain private, alternatively she may have shut you out because she herself is uncomfortable with the arrangement.

All you can do is let her know you only want to check she is completely happy with their new relationship status. Tell her you love her and will be there whenever she wants to talk to you. 

If she has completely shut you out, I’m afraid there isn’t a lot more you can do.

The ball is well and truly in her court.

Some couples enjoy a long and happy polyamorous relationship, but both must be willing participants.

If you would like to learn more, More Than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory is a good book and place to start.