We've All Been Told To Forgive and Forget – But Here's When You Shouldn't

The concept of forgiveness is often framed by a fascinating spirituality-based narrative that advises us we should always do it, no matter what the circumstances. We’re told that by forgiving others, we will also be forgiven, and that for all intents and purposes, we will feel better about the situation, the damaged relationship and ourselves.

But psychologically speaking, forgiveness is complicated. It’s frequently thought to be synonymous with reconciliation, when it’s actually more about letting go of anger and pain, according to Dr. Esther Boykin, a Washington, D.C.-based psychologist who focuses on creating healthy relationships.

Boykin broke down everything that we — Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, the co-hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast — wanted to know about what authentic forgiveness looks like, how to have empathy for yourself and others, and when it’s actually not useful to forgive someone. 

Listen to the full episode by pressing play:

Yes, you heard that right. Some people and situations may not warrant forgiveness, and it’s crucial for our mental health to recognise when that’s the case.

“There’s a baseline. Forgiveness has to be built on a foundation of basic humanity,” Boykin said on this week’s episode, drawing her line in the sand. “If we’re talking about people who have done things, have said things or that uphold systems that dehumanise you, I don’t believe that you have any moral obligation to forgive them. And more importantly, I don’t see the psychological benefits of working to forgive.”

That’s because forgiving someone who has hurt us can take time, patience, processing, and serious emotional work, and we want to be discerning about whom we reserve all of that energy for.

“I’m always going to bring it back to ‘What’s most healing for you?’” Boykin added. “Trying to forgive systemic oppression? Trying to forgive a racist family member, or a homophobic church community that you belonged to?”

It’s unlikely that such efforts are going to serve you and help you grow, she argued.

“Instead, maybe work on forgiving the parts of yourself that were indoctrinated into some of those things — that were complicit in some of your own oppression or harm, or the harm to others who belong to the same community or identity as you,” Boykin told us. “That’s work that’s worth doing from a mental health perspective, as opposed to trying to forgive people and organisations that are not working actively to make amends.”

She emphasised that this advice is relevant to interpersonal relationships too.

“Forgiving a cheating partner who is continuing to cheat on you does not serve your growth, your healing, the life that you want to have for yourself,” Boykin noted.

“I would also imagine then you’re gonna tell us that if you have someone who, you know, your homophobic uncle who does come around and does change the way that they think and is able to make that change ― that in that instance, that seems like a good time to maybe forgive someone,” Michelson said.

But even if someone has worked to make amends, Boykin still suggests we think long and hard about how we want to move forward.

In a situation like with the formerly homophobic uncle, “I think it’s a good time to consider forgiveness, you know? And what does forgiveness mean and look like to you?” Boykin said. “I think just generally, I find societally, our pressure is, you’re forgiving so that you can repair a relationship.”

But that doesn’t mean we must do it.

“I’m always encouraging people to, like, define it for yourself. You might decide, like: You know what, I really respect that he’s come around, that he’s done the work and is apologetic and remorseful for some of the things that he did,” Boykin said. “And also ― the things that he said and did to me, or around me, I do not want that in my life in any meaningful way, period. And so I can forgive that version of him, or I can learn to accept that he’s grown from that place, and also, that doesn’t necessarily change my boundaries about how we spend time together.”

Hearing this felt incredibly liberating, especially because so many of us have received the message that indiscriminately forgiving someone will always set us free, no matter what they may have done.

“Make forgiveness very personal — what it looks like in a relationship is not cookie-cutter,” Boykin advised.

We also discussed what a sincere apology looks and sounds like, how forgiving yourself can bring beautiful things into your life, and much more.

After you’ve had a listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts, subscribe to “Am I Doing It Wrong?” so you don’t miss a single episode, including how to score the best deals on airline tickets, how to find love online or overcome anxiety, tips for online shopping, taking care of your teeth and pooping like a pro, secrets to booking and staying in a hotel, how to deal with an angry person, shocking laundry secrets, ways to experience more awe and wonder in your life, taking your best shower ever, protecting your privacy online, and much more.

For more from Dr. Boykin, visit her website and her Instagram.