I jumped in front of lorry after blowing savings at casino – now it’s a joy to be alive, says Clarke Carlisle
AFTER being released from his club ten years ago, former footballer Clarke Carlisle lost a £100,000-a-year TV job and blew much of his life savings in one trip to a casino.
The same night as that loss, the ex-Premier League star, who was battling depression, went missing before jumping in front of a truck in an attempt to end his life.
But today, the 45-year-old speaks of the joy of being alive — and explains that instead of turning to gambling in his dark days, he now seeks solace . . . by hiding behind the fridge.
Clarke and his wife Carrie work to help others facing suicidal thoughts, holding online talks and courses for people dealing with mental health issues.
The defender, whose clubs included Blackpool, Burnley and QPR, said: “I have been to the edge of existence.
“Now I can proudly say I’ve not had an episode of depression for years. I’ve not needed meds for three years. I am the most well I’ve ever been.”
Carrie added of one of his new coping mechanisms: “He literally goes and hides behind the fridge. He goes there and takes a little moment.
“I won’t even know he’s there, and I’ll open the fridge and the fridge light will go on and I’ll see the ears from his Batman onesie.”
Clarke, who has two children with Carrie and three from previous relationships, added: “I know when I start coming down and I need to withdraw. I would stand in the dark, on my own and in my own thoughts.
“So I would stand there when I needed to with-draw. The key part of it, it is also where the radiator is. When I do experience depression, I physically get cold. It’s about finding the way for you to deal with things.”
Clarke, who was chairman of the Professional Footballers’ Association and has also appeared as a contestant on TV game show Countdown, said: “I was a perfectionist as a footballer, critical of things that I would do.
“I was in an environment where it is about wins and losses. I tried to replicate that in normal life and in my relationships. My self-worth was governed by results and performances on this pitch.
“So if we won, I felt great. I was a good human and then that would give me positivity going into all my wider interactions, because in my head, that makes me a good dad, a good husband, a good son.
“If we lost, that meant I was a terrible human because other people were sad and I’d let them down, which made me a bad dad, a bad husband, a bad brother.
“Now I prioritise the things that matter. I meditate a lot, I pray, I prioritise family. I make sure I put the kids to bed at least once a week.
“I make sure that they can come into my bedroom and jump on me in the morning. And Carrie and I make sure we have monthly date nights.”
With the annual mental health awareness Time To Talk Day next Thursday, Clarke said he still finds exercise triggers pressures he felt in his playing days and gets PTSD around the anniversary of his suicide bid.
He is now calling for an independent body to oversee the mental health of all footballers in the UK.
‘Terrible human’
Ex-TV presenter Carrie, a former alcoholic, said starting the process of writing a series of self-help material, such as Shut Up, Alcohol, played a part in helping Clarke get better.
Clarke was released by Burnley in 2012 and in 2014 lost his £100,000-a- year ITV Champions League pundit role before that fateful trip to the casino. He then went missing before throwing himself in front of a lorry on the A64 Leeds to York dual carriageway.
Clarke was airlifted to Leeds General Infirmary. He suffered cuts, bruises, internal bleeding, a broken rib and a shattered left knee.
On Christmas Day 2014, he was admitted as an in-patient to a psychiatric unit in Harrogate and placed on suicide watch.
He remained there until he was discharged in February 2015, when, shortly after, he did an interview with The Sun.
Ten years on, Clarke said: “After that, I knew I was very unwell. In the lead-up to that, I was being very negative, hypercritical, insular.
“I’d never done anything about my depression, and I was clinically depressed.
“I didn’t take medication for a myriad of reasons but predominantly because I thought, ‘I’m a man and a Premier League footballer’. I didn’t understand that my thoughts were different or dangerous.
“A lot of it was tied into self-worth. I do have an analytical mind. I was using alcohol so that my brain stopped thinking. I was using gambling so that my brain was thinking about something else.
“I’m really blessed I never got into drugs. If I had I would be dead now.
“Football was pretty much the only thing I thought gave me value. So when I left, I was totally bereft of anything that anyone else valued about me.
“I brought my football home, the perfectionism, the autistic portion, compulsive aspect, the need for everything to happen at this time, at this pace, immediate success or failure. There’s no middle ground.
I knew then he was an amazing, handsome man. And I know that even more to this day
Carrie
“And it’s a dynamic that is ingrained within you, and everything falls into these two categories.
“For the first year of my therapy, I had to discover this middle ground of things just being OK, being good enough.
“Because in football that had never been good enough, because it’s not the best, it’s not perfect. This transferred into relationships. It was so, so destructive. It was dangerous.”
In 2016, Clarke met Carrie, who worked as an ambassador at football anti-racism charity Kick It Out.
She said: “It was a whirlwind romance. We gave each other our business cards and I don’t think we ever thought we’d see each other again.
‘Dead by tomorrow’
“But he emailed and we went for dinner. Within five minutes of sitting down for dinner, he was like, ‘We are gonna get married, have babies’. On the second date he brought his psychiatric papers.
“We moved in together three weeks later. Then we got engaged a few months later. And then nine weeks after, we got married.
“I knew then he was an amazing, handsome man. And I know that even more to this day. I’m obsessed with him.”
The pair worked with each other to support their needs, Carrie with her anxiety and Clarke with his depression.
But in 2017, Clarke went missing again and was eventually found in Liverpool before being taken to a psychiatric facility in Blackburn.
Carrie said: “When Clarke was found, I wanted to bring him home. I was six months pregnant and I was like, ‘Let’s just go back to this place’, because up to 24 hours ago, I didn’t know anything was wrong.
“Luckily, someone took me aside and said, ‘OK, Mrs Carlisle, if you take him home, he’ll be dead by tomorrow’. And that was a slap in the face that I needed.”
Clarke then began counselling. He said: “I started to dig deeper and realised I needed to be well.
“I needed to be alive. I wanted to be here.”
Carrie asked him to read through some thoughts she had around her Shut Up, Alcohol method, which she developed in 2006.
Clarke said: “The incredible thing about my awesome wife is that she’s been able to put that into a clear and really quite simple process of self-progression and self-accountability, and it brings the power back when you’re talking about your mental health.
“You’re not waiting on the NHS to come and fix you.
“She asked me to read something she was writing about other issues and it helped me with my attitude to gambling.”
Using her Shut Up method, Carrie has written more than 20 books, as well as devising courses to accompany each one.
The pair offer online talks and courses for issues such as alcohol, gambling and suicidal thoughts.
Carrie said: “Most people don’t want to die.
“They just can’t live like this any more. We aim to guide them on their own journey out of it.
“We both see it as a great opportunity to pay our own lived experiences forward.”
I do miss certain moments of football
Clarke Carlisle
Clarke, who now has a degree in psychology, says he is in the best shape mentally he has been for years. He is “finally able” to enjoy watching football again.
But he said: “I can’t go and do a simple run without thinking, ‘Oh, you’re only cheating yourself. You can go faster than this’, or ‘You should have been in the Olympics next year’.”
“But I do miss certain moments of football — the first day of the season, a magnificent end of the season, a successful season.”
Last week, ex-Premier League referee David Coote said he would be prioritising his mental health after a series of scandals led to him being stripped of his job.
And Clarke now wants an independent advisory board for players and referees to help them deal with mental health.
He said: “It would great to see a new independent body. They need to stop acting in silos, whether it’s the individual organisations — EFL, Premier League, the WSL, the Championship, the PFA, the FA.
“They’re all individual things and giving cursory nods to each other’s activities.
“But there is no continuation of care. We need an external third party, an advisory board.
“But everyone, even if you are not in football, should be aware that there is help out there.
“I have a professional coach. I have the people who I trust. I prioritise the things that make me feel good and keep me well, irrespective of what’s going on.
“I am proof that you find a path. You just need to talk to the right people.”
- Find out more about Clarke and Carrie’s work at clarkeandcarrie.com.
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Help for mental health
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support.
The following are free to contact and confidential:
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123, jo@samartiands.org.uk
- CALM (the leading movement against suicide in men) www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Papyrus (prevention of young suicide) www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Shout (for support of all mental health) www.giveusashout.org/get-help/, text 85258 to start a conversation
Mind, www.mind.org, provide information about types of mental health problems and where to get help for them. Email info@mind.org.uk or call the infoline on 0300 123 3393 (UK landline calls are charged at local rates, and charges from mobile phones will vary).
YoungMinds run a free, confidential parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 for parents or carers worried about how a child or young person is feeling or behaving. The website has a chat option too.
Rethink Mental Illness, www.rethink.org, gives advice and information service offers practical advice on a wide range of topics such as The Mental Health Act, social care, welfare benefits, and carers rights. Use its website or call 0300 5000 927 (calls are charged at your local rate).
Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk, is the a mental health initiative spearheaded by The Royal Foundation of The Prince and Princess of Wales.