Asking Eric: I said I needed a break from her, and she got defensive

Dear Eric: I am a non-observant Jew. My spiritual beliefs are very personal, and I don’t discuss them casually.

My mother became a Christian. This is important because, as she went deeper into her Christianity, she made friends who shared her beliefs.

One of them is a younger woman she called her spiritual daughter. My mother arranged an introduction for me to this woman, Jean, because she hoped I could help Jean through a rough patch. I don’t share Jean’s religion, but we were survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

We became friendly, and Jean shared that my understanding helped her.

It’s now 15 years on, my mother died last year, and I find less to speak with Jean about. The past few conversations always seemed to be mostly about our differences.

Jean’s faith is her security in an uncertain world. I find the things she says judgmental. I was quietly avoiding conversation; Jean called me out on it. I said I need a break from talking with her. She was somewhat defensive and told me she feels she’s always been accepting toward me.

She’s a sweet person but I’ve come to feel like I’m a project of hers rather than a friend. Can you suggest a way forward?

– Spiritual Guidance

Dear Guidance: Something about her claim that she’s always been accepting toward you doesn’t sit right with me.

Your beliefs aren’t something she needs to accept. They are simply a fact for you. And she’s not in a position to decide whose faith is valid.

I suspect that, by saying she’s accepting, she’s really indicating that she wishes she didn’t have to be. Hence the project.

Notably, you didn’t write that you are accepting toward her. Because from your version of events, Jean’s faith is a given that you didn’t feel the need to give permission to.

Going forward, you should both think about what the foundation of the next phase of your friendship can be.

You started off connecting over places where your life experiences intersected, but every friendship has its seasons and that’s not the basis anymore. Right now, the basis seems to be your differences.

If you and Jean can’t find something generative and equally fulfilling on which to keep building your friendship, its season may have passed.

Talk to her about this. This shouldn’t be on you alone. Tell her that the conversations about differences, or even about faith in general, aren’t working for you. Ask her what she thinks your positive connection points are and then decide if you agree.

Dear Eric: “Unacknowledged Grief” was hurt over not receiving cards, calls, etc., following the death of a loved one.

I understand this very well, having had exactly the same experience.

When our son died in an accident in 2006, we heard from exactly one of his friends, and none of ours. Losing our son was bad enough, but we were crushed that no one seemed to care.

Then, when I lost my sister in a car wreck four years later, I heard from one of her friends and none of mine.

We have a lot of friends, as did my sister, and it was hard to accept that virtually none of them contacted us.

But all this happened several years ago, and I have had a lot of time to digest it. I have come to the conclusion that it is not a lack of compassion that keeps people from expressing sympathy over the death of a loved one, but rather not knowing what to say or how to say it.

In the years that followed our losses, we have received many acts of kindness and many words of sympathy and support. It seems that after some amount of time passes, people become more comfortable with talking about our loss.

It seems strange, but at the time somehow others were more afraid of talking about our losses than we were, the ones who actually suffered the losses.

Death makes people uncomfortable, and people deal with it in their own way. We never know exactly how others process personal losses, and facing this uncertainty, we do nothing, afraid we might say or do the wrong thing.

Coming to understand this has helped us process not only our losses but also people’s reaction to them.

– Reader

Dear Reader: I’m really impressed by the perspective you have on this and by the compassion you’ve been able to extend to others.

Your letter is a reminder to all of us that it’s important to reach out to those who are grieving, even when we don’t have the right words to say or when we feel uncomfortable or when we fear it’s too late. Even an “I’m sorry; I’m here for you,” can make a difference.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.