Your March horoscopes

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Friends, trees, tangential beautiful souls… welcome to the month of March. I have divined reports of a “Madness” about, one enamored with the sport of basketball yet still visible to the crystal ball. Alas: madness! Is that all this month has to offer you? Read along to find out.

Aries

Mercury is in Gatorade. Considering the plastic in our dining hall food, I imagine that this was inevitable. 

Taurus

Mercury is in retrograde. Wait, I’m getting deja vu. What was I blabbering about? Let me check my notes again. 

Right. You have appendicitis.

Gemini

Venus establishes itself quintile to Jupiter — wow! I’d recommend running your bedsheets twice in the washer tomorrow, as you should expect a sock on your door tonight. 

Cancer

Beware the ides of March! As you consolidate power in the ASSU, your roommates plot. The masses will assassinate you when the Undergraduate Senate meets next. Can you guess who wants to make an ASS out of U?

Leo

You. You, you, you… Your abhorrent heart, your scheming mind, your pungent and defective soul. I know the sins you plan to orchestrate as this month unfolds. I saw all your misdeeds in the comet section! 

There is no repentance left for you to claim. There is no Purgatory left to redeem you. Banish yourself and pray you never return.

Virgo

Heed the Virgo lunar eclipse on Pi Day. To honor it, shut your pie hole for as many seconds as pi has digits!

Libra

Hear ye, hear ye! By staring into the Sun, I found bright spots in your future. I can’t see anything else, in fact… you should probably call me an ophthalmologist.

Scorpio

As the skies prepare for this year’s first super new moon, the tides allow for an unexpected intersection: your head and the hood of a car. If you aren’t careful, concussion No.17 will befall you. Look for cars every way before you cross the street — left, right, down. You may be crushed by a Cybertruck speeding on the highway to Hell.

Sagittarius

Soon, the spring equinox will come! With it, you will develop new allergies: garlic (avoid your professor’s breath), mirrors (don’t use bathrooms) and sunlight (major in computer science). You’ll persevere. I believe in you.

Capricorn

Peep the last quarter moon in Capricorn. Shining over R&DE, this will transform Lakeside Dining into Michelin star dining between 3 and 4 p.m. And you thought we couldn’t do better than Family Weekend!

Aquarius

Look up, Aquarius. 

Hello? Look up from your phone, asshole. You almost hit me! 

Pisces

Hey, you. My… reader. I know we don’t know each other like that, but we will, starting tomorrow. We bump into each other — literally, in Casper Dining — and I spill the smallest cut of basa fish on your polo. I apologize — I’m such a klutz — and offer you coffee. I scald myself filling our mugs, but I meet you at the sticky tables by the salad bar. You blow a steamy fog into my eyes before you taste the extra packet of Splenda I sprinkled in. We lock eyes, and I wish I could live in this moment forever.

It’s the first in a string of beautiful memories. Nachos under the fairy lights at the Arbor, late night walks at Town and Country, mornings spent biking to your dorm to walk you to MATH 51. Over weeks, I fall in love with your beautiful mind.

I ruin it. It is the best relationship I’ll ever have, and I ruin it.

I’m sorry that I don’t remember your birthday. I’m sorry that I leave you by the firepit at Lake Lag on our one-month anniversary. I’m sorry that I buy you peonies instead of violets when I should know that peonies put you in anaphylactic shock. You tell me so at the Ramen Nagi, the night I wear scarlet lipstick and leave it on your forehead. 

It’s a cliche, and it’s meaningless when I say it, but it’s me not you. It could never be you. I can’t devote time to relationships, regardless of my love for you. So, I try to avoid you, but I know no matter what we are star-crossed lovers.

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