Wanted: Crag Nanny for Average Climbing Family This Spring
Would you be stoked to watch a couple dirty children all day while their parents finally get to climb in peace again? Do you want to take your dirtbagging lifestyle to a new level, without actually climbing very much?
With climbing season right around the corner, we’re looking to hire a full-time crag nanny. This is a seasonal, temporary position intended to support our family this spring. We are taking advantage of our parental leave to hit the road and tick off some iconic crags, from the Red and Stone Mountain to Obed.
While we’re excited to expose our kids to climbing at a young age (three weeks old and two years old), we’re even more excited about climbing without having to bail mid-pitch because one of our kids is crying or wandering off toward the highway.
Here are a few things you should probably know about this position. The baby will be a breeze most (50-55%) of the time. If all goes to plan, the baby will sleep the day away in their pop-up tent. Unless they are hungry or gassy, in which case they will cry louder than a shirtless sport climber’s power scream—and need to be promptly evacuated to our minivan.
Swiftly removing the crying baby from the crag will prevent our family from later becoming the unfortunate subject of a heated Mountain Project comment thread, or a Reddit rant about the harms of crag kids. We wouldn’t want crag kids to end up like crag dogs, as far as public opinion goes.
Our two year old will prove a bit more challenging than the baby. Below are a few examples of the types of tasks you may encounter during a typical day at the crag with our toddler:
- Continuously cleaning a mustache comprised of snot, sunscreen, snack residue, and dust from her upper lip
- Coaxing her away from the napping rattlesnake she’s trying to poke with a not very long stick
- Calmly asking her to not dump the snacks you thoughtfully packed all over the ground
- Pouring water all over her face after she “gets into” the chalk
- Changing her diaper as she throws sand at your eyes then runs away naked from the waist down, bringing new meaning to the term sandbagging
- Engaging in heated negotiations regarding the importance of wearing a helmet, then retrieving the helmet after she throws it on the ground and it rolls down a hill into a heavily vegetated gulch
- Reminding her that the stick clip should not be used in a “sword fight” with a tree
- Dragging her out of a small cave, where she is having a tantrum
Speaking of tantrums, if our toddler is throwing a particularly rowdy one at the crag, we would prefer to pretend like we are not associated with our child and let you handle the situation as the professional crag nanny.
If both our crag kids are acting up, you can take them back to our 2014 Honda Odyssey. It’s purpose-rigged for dirtbagging families like us and it’s our official residence while we’re on the road. If you accept this position, the minivan can be your temporary residence, too. We set up a Crag Nanny Compartment in the back, where you can sleep and have the semblance of privacy. We even sound-proofed the Odyssey with a double layer of egg cartons, so if both kids are losing their shit, the climbing community will never know.
One of the biggest perks of this job is that you can climb whenever you want, except when we’re climbing, which will be most of the day. We can set up a schedule that gives you at least an hour to get a couple pitches in each day. You’re even welcome to use our gear! However, you may find that after six or eight hours of looking after our kids, you don’t have the energy to rope up.
Where we could really use some help is with the approach. The baby, again, will be easy—throw them in a backpack and they’ll fall asleep. The toddler, however, may become distracted by a variety of things, such as butterflies, puddles, the sun, an imperceptible “paper cut” on their leg, trailside bags of dog poop, etc. Your job will be to keep the toddler on track and progressing forward on the trail. Should this prove impossible, you will need to hang back. You may not even make it to the crag that day at all, which actually, may be for the best.
Lastly, if there is one crucial piece of beta we can provide to our future crag nanny, it would be “snacks.” Without a good selection of snacks, your average crag kid will quickly become scarier than run-out slab. Clif bars will not cut it. We’re talking chips, candy, and any simple carbohydrate that still tastes okay when coated in dirt.
Of course, we should add that our toddler already loves climbing and we’re excited for her to have another mentor as she progresses in the sport. She really enjoys putting on her harness and touching the rock, perhaps even putting a foot on the rock. Then she will say “all done.”
On the subject of compensation, unfortunately, we’re unable to comp what a pro climbing family might be able to provide the crag nannies of the world. But what we lack in financial renumeration, we make up for in relatability and general vibes. We’re happy to negotiate a below-market day rate that works for you. And we want to emphasize that the real benefit of this position isn’t necessarily monetary—it’s perspective.
Not only will this job train you to be an IFSC-level elite crag parent in the future should you for some reason choose that path, but when you return to your regular childless dirtbagging lifestyle, you will be shocked at how easy it now feels to live the American dirtbag dream. You will savor every undisturbed moment of climbing, even every moment struggling with personal hygiene in your less-than-ideal vehicle. And that is invaluable.
Maya Silver is the mom of two crag kids, who thankfully are now seven years old and four years old. She started schlepping her kids to the crag at two-and-a-half weeks old, which in retrospect, is crazy. But don’t worry, she will wait at least a few more years before she takes them ice climbing. Also she really wishes she’d had a crag nanny over the past few years, but isn’t actually hiring for the position (unless you’re interested—DM her).
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