The Whiskey World War

You can be for or against the tariff war. I suppose every conflict has its good and bad sides. Each side usually has a solid reason. But in the past, we at least had the Geneva Convention. Responding to what he says are high tariffs on American goods such as cars, Trump imposed tariffs on EU steel. And Brussels, which deeply hates free pleasure, has responded with cruel tariffs on whiskey.

The Third Geneva Convention deals with the proper treatment of people, the prisoners of war, and helpless citizens dependent on the tortures in the form of law by Ursula von der Leyen. Depriving us of American whiskey clearly violates this convention. But also, this (I need to consult with my personal theologians) is a grave sin.

And it clearly violates U.N. Security Council Resolution 1738, which condemns attacks on journalists in war zones. You can cut off a journalist’s arm, burn their notebook, make them drink the ink from their own fountain pens, and even force them to write their reports in verse. But you should never take away their whiskey. God kills a kitten every time someone deprives a journalist of a good glass of American whiskey.

As expected, Trump has reacted to the latest nonsense from the European Union, which is responding to the steel war with a war on drinks. And he has reacted with an equal measure of cruelty: threatening a 200 percent tariff on European wine. If no one stops this escalation, we will all end up having to drink bottles of aftershave.

I have good friends in the Spanish wine industry. These guys truly love wine, almost as much as I do. My country produces extraordinary wines, increasingly renowned in the United States, but never enough. In 2024, the United States was the second-largest market for Spanish still wines and the first for sparkling wines. There is a growing American tradition, a kind of love affair between the United States and Spanish wine. Perhaps the only good thing Obama did during his entire presidency was choosing a wine from my homeland, Peza do Rei 2012, for his toast at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus in 2019.

I spoke today with some Spanish producers. They are sad because, without understanding much about geopolitics, they have suddenly found themselves facing measures that could ruin their wineries. Losing the U.S. market would force them to cut production, lay off workers, lose investments, and increase costs across the supply chain, ultimately impacting the price for consumers, both Spanish and American. It’s like the damn flapping of a drunk butterfly.

EU leaders are behaving, in regard to Trump, with the incompetence and sectarianism that characterizes them. But EU leaders are quite happy with the wine war because it doesn’t turn them on; only paper straws, a good green tax on gas, and things like that turn the social democrats and Christian democrats in Brussels on. I’m sure they would be delighted to ban wine if they could come up with some theory proving that it also contributes to climate change. Maybe then they would finally know the fury of the West.

Tariff policy is a useful pressure tool at times. The EU should stop behaving like a boastful and thieving cousin and sit down to talk and collaborate with the United States. And leave whiskey alone. Although I know it was Brussels who brought drinks into this war, Trump should consider that tariffs on wine don’t bother European rulers too much, however they do cause serious problems for producers and workers in the wine industry. And besides, they deprive their citizens of the blessed pleasure of Spanish wine.

A ceasefire is urgently needed. Then, with two bottles of Spanish wine and generous glasses of American whiskey, we would be in better condition to resume negotiations for an armistice.

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