Dear Abby: Neatnik's patience in cluttered home nears its end

DEAR ABBY: I am neat and organized, but my wife is the opposite. She's messy and disorganized. I knew it before we married, but we made a handshake deal that she'd make an effort to pick up after herself once we moved in together. Unfortunately, it hasn't happened.

Every time she comes home, whatever she's carrying gets dropped on the nearest flat surface — keys, bags, mail, you name it. She piles things up instead of putting them away and it feels like there's clutter everywhere I look. Our bed is often piled with clothes and other items stacked almost two feet high.

I find myself constantly picking up after her, which is exhausting and makes me feel like I'm the only one taking care of our house. Her lack of effort is driving me crazy and causing me significant stress. I've tried talking calmly to her, setting boundaries for clutter-free areas, even threatening divorce out of sheer frustration. Nothing seems to work. I don't know what else to do.

I love my wife and don't want our marriage to fall apart over this, but the constant mess is taking a toll on my mental health and our relationship. How can I approach this in a way that fosters understanding and cooperation? I want us to find a solution that works for both of us without making her feel criticized or attacked. — MESSED UP

DEAR MESSED UP: Several thoughts come to mind. You, a man who is "super neat," knew your wife was messy but married her anyway. Short of divorcing her, would it be possible for you to designate certain areas of your home that you agree will remain clutter-free? If that isn't possible, could you do what some other couples have done, which is live apart? Marriage mediation might help your wife understand the message you have been trying (and failing) to deliver. It's worth a try, but lifelong habits are very hard to break.

DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old daughter is getting married in 10 months. My wife is invited to the wedding, but I am not, and I am furious. The groom's family is paying for the trip, but they say I am not invited "for financial reasons."

I don't have a great relationship with my daughter. But that isn't the point. I told my wife that if the roles were reversed and she was excluded, I would not go. This may be a deal-breaker for me. It's apparent that our marriage doesn't mean as much to my wife as it does to me. What are your thoughts? — ELIMINATED IN TEXAS

DEAR ELIMINATED: What I think is it's terrible for your daughter to put her mother on the spot this way. By doing so she is putting a strain on your marriage. You and your wife need to ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed marriage and family therapist so you can hash this out before further damage is done to your relationship. Do I think your wife should forgo the wedding? What I think doesn't matter as much as what she does.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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