I'm on top of my finances, but my partner couldn't care less about hers. How do I convince her to take this seriously?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader is frustrated that his partner of nearly a decade is avoidant with financial planning.
• Our columnist suggests either being comfortable with separate finances or gently guiding his partner along her personal finance journey.

Dear For Love & Money,

My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years now. In that time, we have gone on very different personal finance journeys. I have spent the last six or seven years learning how to manage money, including handling debt, saving, and investing for future goals, while my partner has mostly stayed in the same position.

Every time I try to have a serious conversation about future goals, my partner either avoids, deflects, or gets defensive. I've concluded that she is a "money avoider." As I get closer to my goals, it's increasingly frustrating to be with someone who doesn't want to participate in working toward my goals. I know that some of my goals are things that she would also love to do, but she still doesn't want to actively engage in our finances to achieve those goals.

It feels as though we're in a canoe going down a river, but I'm the only one paddling. How can I get my partner to engage more with me and our finances?

Sincerely,

Tired of Canoeing Alone

Dear Tired,

One of the most complicated parts of sharing a life with someone is that, as much as we may imagine ourselves as two parts of the same whole, we are still different people growing at different rates and wanting different things. We may romanticize opposites attracting, but forging a life with someone who has different hang-ups, desires, and experiences is hard work.

In our relationships, we often recognize that compromise is the only way forward. Introverts agree to host more parties, even if they believe their partner is a bit socially desperate. Type B individuals learn to use the calendar app on their phones, even if they think it's too rigid a way to live their lives. Health nuts agree to the occasional cheat meal, even if it means an extra workout the next day. In such cases, compromise works because socializing, scheduling, and pizza aren't black-and-white — but some things are. For instance, you're either saving for retirement, or you aren't.

In your letter, you described your dilemma in two different, contradictory ways: you and your partner are at different places in your financial journeys, and you're together in a canoe, with you as the only one paddling. Which is it? Are you going down the river in the same boat, or are you in two separate canoes, and she's failing to keep up?

If you're on separate journeys, all you can do is keep moving forward, with or without her. This may look like staying together and maintaining separate finances. Many couples choose to weave the minutiae of their lives together, aiming to create a beautiful tapestry with their favorite person. Sometimes, though, all this leads to is a tangled mess, and it's perfectly valid to want to keep some parts of your lives, such as your finances, separate, no matter how much you love one another.

However, much like a float trip where you and your partner are in separate canoes, you must remain aware of certain realities, such as differing canoe speeds, varied rower experience, and the fact that even the best outdoors people need support now and then. Or, to drop the analogy for a moment, even if you keep your finances separate, your partner's less fiscally astute and engaged approach will likely still affect you. Learning how to support her without treating her money management style as your burden to bear or a personal attack will be crucial to making separate finances a successful relationship strategy.

But, if you want to be in the same boat — and it sounds like you do — you can teach her how to paddle, even if she's resistant, slow to learn, or not naturally inclined. There may be reasons behind her avoidance. She might be too afraid of the future to plan for it, or others have always handled money issues for her, or she feels overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start.

You can start her paddle lessons by talking about money in the context of an exciting shared future. Start small. Plan a vacation that requires saving together. Don't drench these conversations in financial literacy; instead, focus on the destination and experiences you're both looking forward to. Meanwhile, weave healthy routines into the planning, such as scheduling regular check-ins to review the numbers, having transparent conversations about setbacks and wins, and discussing which travel items you want to prioritize, such as whether flying first class is worth the extra expense.

Build on this foundation to save for things that will bring you closer, like a house, a pet, or shared investment opportunities. Again, keep the focus on the future and treat the finances as a means to that end. Over time, as your healthy routines become easy habits and your shared goals grow more serious, your partner may find that managing money becomes more second nature. She may also discover which personal finance methods work best for herself, which may or may not be the same as yours.

One line from your letter I found puzzling was the one about it being frustrating to be with someone "who doesn't want to participate in working toward my goals." Why would she want to work toward your goals? Perhaps it's because, as you said, she doesn't have any of her own. Again, this brings us back to the question: same boat, or separate canoes? If you want to get her invested, you need to help her develop her own goals, as well as identify shared goals that resonate with both of you, rather than you alone.

Six or seven years into your personal finance journey, it's understandable that you'd like a partner who can talk compound interest and Roth IRAs rather than one who needs to be gently shown why financial planning matters in the first place, and have her hand held while she learns how to do it. If you love her, though, she's worth the wait. And based on the 10 years of life you've shared with her and the fact that you asked how you could get her to be more engaged with finances, and not whether to stay with her or not, it's clear you do.

Keep paddling down that river. And remember, the best way to encourage your partner to pick up her oar isn't by only teaching her your favorite techniques, but rather by helping her visualize the destination.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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