ADVICE 02: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
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Of course, part of me wonders if it's not readers from across the country sending in questions, but my wife from the next room. If it is, keep it up, Emily.
If it's not, please know that if you've sent in a question, I will answer it. Because I'm limiting the column's length, I can only get to a certain number each week. Today, I'm only addressing one, because once I started answering it, I realized I had too much to say.
But... if you're wondering if you should contact your ex, or how to confront a difficult person in your life, or if it's OK to not mourn your husband's death, or how you can have more casual sex, please sit tight. We're getting there...
Thanks to everyone who submitted questions, and thank you for reading.
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
Let's say you're a person who was afforded many luxuries growing up as a child: loving parents, good education, safe neighborhood, lots of friends, etc. In passing through everyday life, you see adults who were afforded many fewer opportunities when they were children excelling in various fields to an extent you have not achieved. Sometimes you feel that you are underachieving relative to these people. How do you avoid comparing yourself to these other people? Particularly, how do you keep from judging yourself as underachieving relative to the opportunities that you have been provided?
-- WoeIsMe; Houston, TX
Reading this question was like reading a transcript of my internal dialogue. I've wondered how to stop comparing myself to others, because it's something I do nonstop. I compare myself to the lucky ones who were born to families like mine, and I compare myself to those like Shaka Smart, who overcame an absentee father to become the head basketball coach at the University of Texas, my alma mater. I share the same birth year with Shaka (1977), but not the same tax bracket (Smart's salary: $2.8 million per season).
Nobody wants to hear this sad song, and rightfully so, but privilege can carry a burden. Not in terms of survival, like finding a place to live or searching for your next meal, but in terms of expectations. There's an expectation of success, of accomplishment. To whom much is given, much will be required. And when you fall short, there's not only failure, but a sense of inadequacy and guilt for squandering the advantage.
Yes, clearly, everyone would accept this burden over the alternative. But that doesn't mean there's no emotional hindrance that needs resolving.
For this, I'd turn to gratitude. Don't look at your circumstance as anything but what it is: a blessing. Don't judge it, don't evaluate it, don't let it ratchet up the pressure. Just appreciate it.
As for your larger question...
To compare is to be human. It's part of our nature. It's likely not something we can stop doing.
But more importantly, it's not the problem here. The problem here is the underlying reason that's prompting these comparisons:
You view yourself as an underachiever.
Again, I sympathize. I've always joked that I'm about 10 years behind in reaching life's critical milestones. I didn't get a full-time writing job until I was 34, for instance.
This mindset is no-win, because it makes you feel incompetent in the present and defeated when eyeing the future. But to combat it, all you need is a little kindness and perspective.
Regardless of where we start in life, we progress on our own timeline, at our own pace. That's difficult to acknowledge when it feels like you're falling behind, but it's critical to accept. Plus, the goal isn't to get things done quickly, it's to get them done right. Respect yourself, and respect your process.
Changing the way you handle your inner monologue helps. Think about what happens when you compare. You see somebody, say, get a promotion, and that voice kicks in. "Woe is me." It's like a bully. It knows your weak spots, and it relishes attacking them.
While replacing such hate speak with affirmations would be ideal, doing so 1) requires hours of Stuart Smalley mirror time, and 2) often rings hollow, because the negative talk it spews resonates as fact.
Instead, try viewing the voice as if it's an entirely different person. Separating from it saps its power, making its message easier to reject. Suddenly, it's no longer the Bearer of Truth, it's that person whose inappropriate actions are dismissed with the Manny-being-Manny defense. "There it goes again..."
It's also critical to be honest with yourself, about yourself. Stop selling yourself short, and take credit for your accomplishments, whatever they are. It doesn't matter if you've still got a ways to go; every step is progress. By focusing on what you've done, you'll be reminded of what you're capable of doing.
As for the negative stuff, simply assess what you'd like to improve. This turns the act of comparing into something productive. Starting at a young age, Tiger Woods compared himself to Jack Nicklaus, the most successful golfer in history. Above Tiger's bed was a list of Nicklaus' accomplishments and the age at which he accomplished them. This daily reminder helped fuel Woods. Find that same motivation in the comparisons you make.
With that, there's but one thing to do: Get going. Mental tricks and self-evaluations have value, but nothing is as powerful as action.
What's making you feel like an underachiever? In what area are you lagging? Diagnose the deficiency, figure out the first step and take it. It's not about closing the gap on others, it's about closing the gap that divides where you are and where you want to be. And the more satisfied you become with yourself, the less you'll worry about everybody else.
NEXT WEEK: Should I contact my ex? Mourning etiquette...
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