Two Simple Hacks for Love and Life
And here's why that's so damn hard.
There's life. Reality. Existence. Whatever you want to call it.
Then there are the illusions of life. The ideas. The lies. The smoke and mirrors.
We compare where we are to ideas of where we should be. We think these ideas are real. And then we have an immediate dislike for where we are, not because where we are isn't okay, but because we compare our lives to the illusions that tell us we'd be happy or successful if... this occurs, and when... that occurs.
The No. 1 reason for our suffering is our belief that we're missing something that we think if we had it, then we'd be happy.
So, I should be famous. I should have my shit together. I should've reached my goals by now, because everyone else seems to attain theirs. I should have my career in better shape. I should be better. Period.
No you shouldn't. If you should, you would. Why are we constantly telling ourselves that where we are isn't enough or okay? Or simply a place to start?
Acceptance takes breathing. It takes recognizing where we are and feeling where we are. That may mean we feel anger. So we get present with anger. We may feel sadness. So we get present with sadness. But feelings can be scary. So how do we feel them and not run away from them?
First off, feelings aren't facts.
Science says that the physiological circuitry in our brains that releases feelings basically flushes them out of our body within 90 seconds. Any emotions held longer than that are caused by our re-engaging the circuitry. In other words, we choose not to let go and we create stories -- generally of the "should" variety -- that continuously reboot the emotional wiring.
As we move through different phases of life, it's important to remember that all that we were that has brought us to this new juncture is still a part of us, it still informs us, it has created a formula for us to survive and be successful and achieve. But just like we outgrow a T-shirt we had in the 5th grade that no longer fits (unless you're like me and try to keep squeezing into those tiny tees bought at the Baby Gap!), you let it go.
We let go of things from our past. The elementary school games are put in a box. The toys are given to charity. We lose touch with old friends we thought would be our BFF's. And yet, why is it that we have a very difficult time letting go of those parts of ourselves we too have outgrown? If I'm no longer a little girl, why do I still respond to people from that place? If I'm no longer interested in the things I did when I was twenty, why do I still find myself being sucked into those social circles?
It's process. It's easier to stay connected to that which we know -- even if it's bad for us -- because it's known. The alternative -- the unknown and all its inherent chaos and mystery and discomfort -- is a lot scarier to embrace. So we hold on when life is encouraging us to let go. We seek the common path because the next mile on our own path hasn't yet been shown to us. It's awfully dark, desolate and lonely.
Walking in the dark isn't easy. I get it. But stepping forward into the abyss with our own Light leading the way, must mean, eventually the darkness disappears. What's revealed is everything we need and everything we wanted was here waiting for us.
In the dark, before it became infused with our light. We just have to keep taking those steps. And letting go of the "shoulds," the past, our narratives about them, our illusions and ideas. Pretty much everything that makes us want to hold on.
The more we practice the art of letting go and the empowerment that comes with it, the more we'll begin to wonder why we were ever holding on to begin with.
Actors in video: Nick Kilgore and Juliette Hing-Lee
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