47 Things That Are Guaranteed To Happen On "Bake Off"
There will be 756 sexual innuendos.
Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed
1. Paul will tip his head down a little bit, glance up, and penetrate the soul of a nervous contestant with his ice-blue eyes.
2. At some point, the tent will go quiet and everyone will just be crouching down, staring into their ovens.
3. There won’t be enough room in the freezer.
4. There won’t be enough room in the freezer again.
5. Someone will run to the freezer with their liquid-y, unset crème pât, and find it’s already full.
6. Three people will collide at the freezer and discover that, devastatingly, there’s no room inside it and their showstoppers are going to be ruined.
7. Mary will narrow her eyes slightly and purse her lips at someone’s ingredients list.
8. One of the bakers will interact with their cake in an unconventional manner. Like, “I turn it upside down, knock on the base three times and ask if anyone’s there. If I hear a little voice inside, it’s ready.”
9. There will be 756 sexual innuendos.
10. Sue will imply something so unspeakably debauched with a metaphor about cakes and fingers that you’ll wonder if it’s appropriate before the watershed.
11. An overly cocky contestant will attempt the showstopper to end all showstoppers.
12. It won’t go quite to plan.
13. The showstopper to end all showstoppers will end up as a sad heap of undercooked sponge, liquid icing, and fractured sugar work.
14. Someone’s cake will end up on the floor.
15. Someone will build something so extraordinary out of cake that you will question everything you’ve ever done, because it was all just so ~ordinary~ compared to this five-story raspberry-encrusted masterpiece.
Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed
16. Several people will fuck up so drastically that they have to start again.
17. Mary and Paul will set a technical challenge so fiendish and confusing that no two finished bakes will look the same.
18. Mary will turn a mouthful of cake over in her mouth and declare the sponge slightly too dry.
19. Mary will wear a jacket so stunning it will sell out in minutes.
20. Something will explode.
21. Something will curdle.
22. Something will separate.
23. Several things will burn.
24. Someone will set their oven 50 degrees too high and their technical challenge will be ruined.
25. Someone will set their oven 50 degrees too low, and will be extremely confused as to why their bake is still runny while everyone else’s is perfectly done.
26. Someone will forget to put their oven on at all.
27. A contestant will walk slowly to the judging table, their showstopper quivering in their hands, tears brimming in their eyes.
28. The showstopper will collapse the moment Mary touches it with a knife.
29. Sue will console the weeping baker back at their bench.
30. Someone will attempt to use the freezer to compensate for the fact that their bake isn’t properly cooked.
31. It won’t work.