It's gift giving season, and here are some offerings from the Republican party for all the conniving conservatives on your CHRISTmas list:
The EZ Bake God's Law Oven! Spread out the Supreme Court decision you disagree with---like, say, Roe v. Wade or Obergefell v. Hodges---on the handy baking sheet, pop it in the oven, turn the knob and Presto! Out comes a yummy biblical edict from the Lord A'mighty rendering it null and void. Personally recommended and endorsed by constitutional non-scholar Marco Rubio!
And be sure to send Chesterfields to all your friends and family!
Acme Magic Video Creator! If you've made a false claim about something you witnessed to score cheap political points---like, say, harvesting of baby parts by Planned Parenthood or New Jersey residents cheering the World Trade Center towers as they fell---you need the Acme Magic Video Creator! Just push the button, describe the content of the footage you need, and watch it appear before your very eyes. [Disclaimer: But nobody else's eyes. We're working on that.]
The Illegal Immigrant Express!
Pack up to 11 million illegals into this happy little engine-that-can and watch it chug-chug the whole bunch back across the Mexican border, dump 'em off, and return for more! Comes with locomotive, Donald Trump conductor action figure, and as many boxcars as ya need to ship 'em out.
Drill Here, Drill Now Play Set! Solar sucks! Wind blows! Fossil fuels are what real Americans use to make America great again you betcha! The Drill Here, Drill Now Play Set comes with a drill. A big drill. A massive, 30-foot-wide behemoth of a drill that makes professional drillers stop and mumble, "Holy [Bleep]! That's a [Bleep]-ing drill." Comes complete with four-word instruction booklet ("Drill here, drill now") and emergency numbers to call when you inevitably bore into an electric, gas or sewer line. Or an oil pipeline. That would be awkward. Try not to do that.
Use your butterfly nets to trap Obama’s socialist paratroopers!
Let’s play Jade Helm 15! The board game where your mission is to defend the Republic of Texas from Barack HUSSEIN Obama's insidious invasion by air, sea, and secret tunnels under local Walmarts! Meet at a San Antonio Applebee's with your patriot freedom militiamen and plot your strategy. Then roll the loaded dice and yell: "Pew pew pew! Take that, you Kenyan colonialist tyrant! Yeehaw!" Naturally your side always wins because the history of your engagement will be written by the Texas School Board! Hours of fun for the whole family while you're all cleaning your guns.
Backyard Great Pyramid Grain Storage Silo! Some assembly required, which will take approximately 20 years. Grain sold separately. Add approximately $10 billion for shipping and handling.
Eat yer heart out, Hammacher Schlemmer. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
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