Inheritance can tear families apart. A financial therapist shares 3 ways to manage conflict.
Rebecca Zisser/BI
- Bari Tessler is a financial therapist who helps clients navigate issues like inheritance.
- She shared tips she often gives them to help them understand their relationship with money.
- Tessler recommends not spending any part of an inheritance for at least six months.
Millennials are set to inherit from their boomer parents over the next two decades, and many are already getting windfalls.
Inheritances can cause friction between families. One sibling might inherit more or be resented after being named the executor of the estate. Even when assets are split equally, family members might butt heads over how money should be invested or spent.
Bari Tessler, who's been a financial therapist for 23 years, told Business Insider that inheritance can often bring up a lot of emotions, such as guilt, betrayal, and shame.
She shared advice she gives clients to help navigate their emotions and family conflicts.
1. Pause before spending anything
Tessler told BI that, while you might have the urge to spend an inheritance quickly, it's important to give yourself time to adjust to the change in circumstances. She suggested waiting between six months and a year before taking any big decisions on how to spend the money.
This period can help people work out any emotions it brings to the surface, she said. "You need some transition time to process and understand," she added.
2. Figure out your relationship to money
Even people with the same upbringing can have different approaches to handling their money and this can create conflict, Tessler said. "How you earn, save, spend, and invest will be different," she said.
Understanding your emotions around money can help to navigate tricky inheritance conversations, Tessler said. "Know your money story. Know where your challenges and triggers come from," she added.
People might feel that they don't understand money or that their siblings don't see them as financially responsible.
She said people are sometimes given a "financial identity" by others. She recalled how she was seen as the sibling who spent rather than saved, when she was younger. Tessler eventually realized she could be both a spender and a saver. She said that challenging a family's narrative of your relationship with money can help build your confidence.
3. Try to understand how their relationship with money might relate to yours
Tessler said it could be helpful to try and understand how your family members' relationship with money might interact with yours.
Using personality tools, such as the Enneagram, can help people figure out where their family members are coming from when disagreements arise, she added.
Tessler said she has previously advised clients to wait 24 hours before reading emails from "intense and challenging" family members. She has previously read such emails with clients to help them make sense of it.
"It's about learning how to have better money conversations with the people closest to you and how to negotiate better with challenging siblings," Tessler said.