The sober dating revolution is here, and Gen Z is leading it

Drinking and dating used to be synonymous, but younger generations are increasingly turning away from alcohol during social situations.

• Gen Z is embracing sober dating, prioritizing health and authenticity over alcohol.
• They drink less than millennials and see the benefits of a sober-curious lifestyle.
• Sober dating fosters genuine connections, which is a big deal for Zoomers, according to experts.

For many, dating is not just synonymous with drinking but unthinkable without it.

But young people are changing the game. Gen Z is earning a reputation as the sober-curious generation that prioritizes their health, well-being, and authenticity when finding a partner.

Gen Zers seem to have less of an interest in drinking. A Statista report states that around 18% of Americans under 28 and of legal drinking age drink regularly drink alcohol. For millennials, it's more like 30%.

Ryan Mairs, 28, is a "Zillennial" on the cusp between millennials and Gen Z and has noticed the shift. He's been sober for 10 months, he told Business Insider, which has been "a bit of a rollercoaster."

Mairs, who is a voice artist and mental health advocate, is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Moving away from drinking, drugs, and partying has been a welcome change in his life, he said.

But dating without alcohol has been a learning curve.

One of the biggest challenges was learning who he was without the booze, he said.

"On dates, I would probably start off quite slow and quiet and introverted, and then as I got more drunk, I would become extroverted," he said. "Once the alcohol has worn off, you're back to being the kind of quiet guy."

Mairs said he wondered whether he could be the confident person that alcohol allowed him to be, and over time, he found that he was.

The more regularly he dated sober, "You come accustomed to it and grow confidence and comfort in it," Mairs said. "I can understand why some people would be hesitant to try that or to experience that, but for me, it's always been a positive."

The sober-curious generation

Mairs is one of many young people reevaluating their relationship with alcohol and how it may have negatively impacted their physical and mental health.

Gen Z are drink less regularly than millennials, according to Statista data. They also spend the least on alcohol and are the fastest-growing demographic purchasing non-alcoholic beverages.

A recent survey by DatingNews.com found that 65% of millennial and Gen Z respondents said they would prefer a "dry" first date. So even if the whole cohort isn't going T-total, they appreciate the idea of alcohol not being involved in their love lives from the get-go.

Kate Daly, a relationship expert and cofounder of the online divorce services company Amicable, told BI Gen Zers are more health conscious than previous generations.

Gen Z appreciate transparency and honesty, as well as recognize alcohol may have a damaging impact on them socially, she added.

"Dating without alcohol means that they can present their true selves," Daly said. "And they can engage in a much deeper, more meaningful conversation rather than it being very surface and frivolous."

Zoomers are also outcome-driven as a generation, Daly said, and dating while sober means there's no pretense or mixed messages.

"You're more inclined to be honest, open, straightforward," she said. "And I think that's really critical for building a genuine connection."

Justine Benanty, the chief community officer of the sober socializing platform Drybaby, told BI Gen Zers' lives are particularly expensive for the stage they're at.

"They are a very health-conscious generation, but they're also constrained by finances," she said. "So many people are Venmo-ing people after their dates now because it's so expensive."

Taking alcohol out of the equation is not only good for budgeting, but for "leading with authenticity," Benanty said, which is a pillar of Gen Z.

"They're a generation that really cares deeply about who they are," she said.

Building confidence

Looking back, Mairs thinks using alcohol as a buffer while dating was a bit of a coping mechanism.

Dates can be nerve-racking, and alcohol typically takes the edge off, he said.

"But you might not be yourself," Mairs said. "Whereas being sober enables you to show if you are comfortable around that person naturally."

He said that after a few drinks, people can trick themselves into feeling attracted to someone. But this just prolongs the inevitable and is a waste of everyone's time.

In comparison, now Mairs knows when he's attracted to someone, which has really helped build intimacy.

"It was kind of weird to me how much sex got better compared to drunken one-night stands," he said. "If you're not drinking on a date, and if you do get to that stage with someone, it's not masked by alcohol."

Dating app woes

Jessie Urvater, who is now 25, has been sober since she was 19. She's the founder of the sober dating platform Club Pillar, launching this summer.

Urvater saw the need for an app that caters to sober, sober-curious, or light drinkers.

"I struggled on traditional mass-market dating apps, whether it was the stigma, or dating someone who did not match with my lifestyle, or having to reveal too much information about why I was sober very early on in the conversation," Urvater said.

"Modern dating is enough of a minefield without having to treat your sobriety like an obstacle."

Urvater wants to build a community where people don't necessarily want a partner who is completely sober, but they want to date someone who doesn't center their life around when their next drink or party will be, she said.

"Club Pillar caters to all people on the sober spectrum: light drinker, California sober, in recovery, sober-curious, T-totaller," she said. "You can do all the things that you would do when you're drinking except without the alcohol."

Drunkenness can be an ick

Urvater thinks a growing awareness about mental health and the negative impacts too much drinking can have is a big driver among Gen Zers becoming sober-curious.

"A lot of them recognize that alcohol can exacerbate anxiety or depression and other mental health conditions," she said.

Mairs agreed that's been a big part of his decision. Drinking, for him, was like "throwing petrol on a fire."

While he still feels judged occasionally, Mairs said perceptions of drinking could be changing.

"Some girls that I've spoken to, they've said that sometimes when they see a drunk guy stumbling about and falling over, spilling a kebab down themselves, it's a bit of an ick," Mairs said.

"I do sometimes miss the fun and antics," he added. "But for the next chapter of my life, it's just the best thing for me."