Tales from the Coffeeshop: Cyprus’ defence in pageantry

THE NATIONAL Guard gave an exhibition of its operational capabilities on Thursday, watched by Prezniktwo, as part of the celebrations to mark 60 years since its establishment.

It does not have many military successes to celebrate in the 60 years of its existence – the military coup against Makarios was a total fiasco – but during this time it developed quite an expertise in staging exhibitions of military manoeuvres and exercises for the political establishment to watch.

It can also put on a great parade, something it has been doing impeccably for many years now, attracting huge crowds and making them feel real national pride. Battle was never the National Guard’s strong point, but if you could win a war with parades and exercises, we would be greatly feared military power by now.

The prez was very impressed with the show of the Guard’s military prowess in Zygi, declaring that when “we are talking about defence, many words are unnecessary,” before uttering a lot more words than were necessary. Like all his predecessors he also entertained delusions of military grandeur.

As foreign minister, he said, he felt from “first-hand experience” that without a powerful defence the footprint in foreign policy was clearly smaller. Thanks to our parade-ready army the footprint of foreign policy has become so big we cannot find any shoes in its size.

ALTHOUGH many words are unnecessary when talking about defence, the Prez went to say that the strengthening of the power of deterrence of the National Guard was not just a priority, but an obligation, which was why he planned to buy a lot more weapons of mass commissions.

His government would increase spending on military equipment to 2 per cent of GDP, he said. “As I promised during the pre-election period, because I never forget my pre-election promises, our aim is to reach 2 per cent (of GDP) in expenditure regarding National Guard military equipment programmes,” noting that this was separate from the defence ministry budget, which is about €500m.

He did not go into the numbers, but this would take spending on weapons from the current €162m to close to €600m. And if you add the National Guard payroll and other expenses to this, it would take annual defence spending to a billion euro, which seems a very high price to pay for one parade a year, a couple of military exercises and the illusion that our deterrent power is enhanced

Hopefully he will forget this election promise, as he forgot the one about not appointing ministers who had served in other governments and the one about introducing transparency.

ARCHBISHOP Georgios came up with a new idea for liberating Kyproulla when addressing the conference of the American Hellenic Educational Progressive Association (AHEPA), that was held in Limassol.

“If we want to have a result and prevent the catastrophic plans of Turkey, a new approach is needed by us,” he told the conference. “We must undertake an international crusade of information about the true dimensions of the problem because foreigners forget, they do not know, they do not remember the invasion and continuing occupation of 37 per cent of an independent state.”

Where has Georgios been living in the last 50 years? We have been carrying out enlightenment campaigns all over the world. Foreigners have not forgotten the Cyprob or the occupation they are just bored of hearing about it, especially as there are other problems in the world that are considered much more serious.

Without any fighting and deaths in Kyproulla for half a century, cynical, cold-hearted foreigners view the Cyprob as real estate dispute, which says it all about the effectiveness of 50 years of international enlightenment crusades. A sixth crusade is unlikely to produce different results.

PREZ NIK used the AHEPA conference to repeat his favourite, new, soundbite that “we are not part of the problem but part of the solution.”

He loves this meaningless assertion so much he has repeated it countless times in the last couple of months, making it the punch-line of his hot-air rhetoric.

On Tuesday, for example, he used it to emphasise Kyproulla’s overall importance to the world: “We utilise the comparative geopolitical advantages of our country to promote the stability, security and welfare of all the countries of the broader region of the eastern Mediterranean.

“We are undertaking initiatives aiming at providing solutions to issues of international interest. With such initiatives we prove in practice that we are not part of the problem but part of the solution.”

If he really believes these things we have a problem for which there is no solution.

SOME people who attended last weekend’s event at the presidential palace for the anniversary of the invasion, felt that it was bit too glitzy for such a solemn occasion, even though most guests were dressed in sombre colours. The guests were entertained by the presidential couple’s favourite chanteuse, Alexia. 

Greece’s prime minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis and his wife, Mareva Grabowski Mitsotakis were the guests of honour. Before the event they posed for pictures with the presidential couple which was a bit unfortunate for the First Lady of Cyprus, because next to Mareva, her lack of style was even more apparent than usual.

Some people have style, and some do not, the great Charles Bukowski said, and a polka-dot blouse with puffed out sleeves made cannot hide this reality.

THE TURKS celebrated July 20 in the usual way. They held a military parade with President Erdogan as the guest of honour, the mark their glorious military triumph of 1974. It is pretty pathetic for the Turks to celebrate a military victory over a country of 500,000 people with a tiny army armed with World War II rifles and little else.

Most big, powerful states would be too embarrassed to celebrate and gloat about a military victory over a tiny country with a non-existent defence. But Turkey has elevated the defeat of poor old Kyproulla to the level of historic triumph of its mighty army, a cause for national pride, that must be celebrated every year. Pitiful.

NEW MEP Fidias landed himself in a spot of bother last weekend when he spoke rather brashly an insensitively to a group of relatives the missing.

A group of ten relatives approached him during an event on July 20 and asked for his support on the issue of the missing. They also asked if he would like to set up an event at the European Parliament at which they would talk about their plight.

Apart from his refusal, said an announcement by the relatives of the missing, “we were treated with irony, mockery and disparagement, with expressions such as ‘you have a high opinion of yourself’, ‘who do you think you are’, ‘I have an uncle who is missing but I do not behave in this way’ and the amazing ‘you are not the only one who is an orphan’.”

It seems Fidias is not as good in live interaction with people as he is through social media. As he said recently, he monitors all his posts and those that do not score enough ‘likes’ he takes down. His meeting with the relatives was a live event which he could not delete and pretend never happened.

FIDIAS, incidentally, could be the answer to the Archbishop’s prayers. With millions of followers on TikTok he could undertake the international enlightenment crusade to remind foreigners of the true dimensions of the Cyprob.

With a single post, in a few minutes, Fidias could enlighten more people about the Cyprob, than a conventional campaign would enlighten in 10 years, because he would make the Cyprob a fun thing, instead of focusing on our geostrategic comparative advantage.

THE IDENTITY of the King of the Kyproulla Twitteratti, was revealed last week by the head of Sigma TV, Chrysanthos Tsouroullis who has been a regular target of his parody ‘X’ accounts, the most famous one of which is ‘Jho Low’ godson of prez Anastasiades.

The identity of Jho Low had been kept secret for several years, sparking endless speculation about the person behind the accounts. The most persistent rumours pointed to former minister Giorgos Pamborides, but the guy takes himself far too seriously and does not have a sense of humour, which was abundant in Jho Low’s irreverent and silly posts.

Does the guy’s identity matter? Only to those who might consider suing him for libel, like Tsouroullis. The rest of us will keep enjoying his posts regardless of who he is.