Dear Abby: Where we live, a $300 wedding gift is expected. Can I just not go?
Plus: I told her I didn't need her parenting advice, and she threw us out.
DEAR ABBY: Is it improper to decline a wedding reception invitation just because you do not wish to attend?
I have received a “save the date” postcard from a co-worker’s daughter for her wedding. I don’t know this girl or her fiance, and I’m not particularly close to her mother.
Where we live, a gift of $150 per person is expected if you attend a wedding reception. My husband and I are on a tight budget, and a $300 gift would be a sacrifice. In addition, my husband would have to take time off work to attend and lose a night’s income.
We attended the wedding of this woman’s older daughter seven years ago, but enough is enough.
This will never be reciprocated, as our children will not be marrying. If they did, I wouldn’t invite my co-workers to their weddings.
Can I decline the invitation by saying we are sorry, but we are unable to attend? Or is it mandatory that we attend?
— DON’T WANT TO IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DON’T WANT TO: An invitation is not a command performance!
Because you don’t want to go, and because it would create a financial hardship, check “will not attend” on the RSVP card included with the invitation. It’s that simple.
Although you will not be obligated to spend $300, it would be nice if you sent the happy couple a card wishing them a long and happy marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I am raising a granddaughter. We went to visit her aunt and 5-year-old cousin and had a nice day until my granddaughter told her aunt she should let the cousin pick out her own clothes.
The aunt (my daughter) became enraged and told me I had to teach my granddaughter to respect adults. I told her I didn’t think she should tell me how to raise this child. My daughter then began yelling and cursing and threw us out of her house.
My granddaughter was distraught that she was yelled at even after she apologized.
I have thought for a couple of years that this daughter isn’t mentally healthy. I will not expose my granddaughter to her again. I would, however, like to maintain a connection with this daughter because I want a relationship with her child. I’m willing to let this event go.
I know my daughter thinks this is all my fault and she did nothing wrong. She suffers from a number of delusions, some related to social media. It has not been possible to get her help.
I have tried to encourage her husband, who is just trying to survive. I’m not quite sure what is the right thing to do. Please help.
— ON EGGSHELLS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR ON EGGSHELLS: When your unstable daughter told you to teach your granddaughter to respect adults, you should not have reacted by fanning the flames. If you wish to have a relationship with the grandchild who lives with this daughter, apologize for the blow-up.
It might also be wise to warn the granddaughter you’re raising that her aunt is “sensitive” to parenting advice, not to offer it again and to limit her exposure.
DEAR READERS: I wish you all a happy and healthy Fourth of July. Please drive carefully and celebrate safely. P.S. Wishing a Happy, Heavenly Birthday to you, Mom! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.