Reddit user's food spat with 'hovering,' critical roommate blows up into 'stupid' conflict
A Reddit user asked for help in settling an argument he had with his roommate after she became too critical of his cooking skills and food preferences. A therapist weighed in.
A Reddit user who had a roommate spat about food was not in the wrong – and neither was the roommate, other users said.
But a therapist told Fox News Digital the conflict could have been handled with more grace.
"AITA for telling my roommate I don't cook food she likes because I don't cook for her?" asked user "Haunting-Athlete-951" in a recent post on the "Am I the A--hole" subreddit.
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In the posting, Haunting-Athlete-951 wrote that he, a 21-year-old man, and his girlfriend, "E," a 20-year-old woman, live with a roommate, "A," a 31-year-old woman.
"We all contribute equally to our monthly 'house food' (food meant for everyone, not one specific person) budget," he wrote. "We can still have our own food … as long as we communicate so nobody eats someone else's food."
The "house food," Haunting-Athlete-951 wrote, consists of things such as pantry staples, including pasta.
"A couple [of] weeks ago, I made myself and E some spaghetti with the house food. Just noodles and generic brand canned sauce, nothing fancy," he said.
His roommate was at work late, and when she saw the dirty pot, she "made a comment about being sad there was none saved for her," he said.
"I asked if she wanted me save some for her next time I made it, but she didn't really give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she wanted me to, though, so I made a mental note to do that next time I made spaghetti and moved on."
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A few days later, Haunting-Athlete-951 made pork chops and offered some to A when she came home from work.
"She accepted; however, when she put the food in the microwave to warm it, she made a face as the smell hit her. She tried not to let me see, but I could tell she wasn't thrilled," he said.
"She took the food into her room to eat, which isn't unusual for her, so I don't know if she finished it or what."
Since these two incidents, A's behavior toward Haunting-Athlete-951 has gotten strange, he said.
"Whenever we're in the kitchen together and I'm cooking, she's been kind of hovering over my shoulder and trying to give me advice on how to season my food. And honestly, sometimes it's good advice," he said, noting that he does not mind helpful suggestions to improve.
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"However, she gave me an attitude whenever I didn't do something [the way] she wanted or liked," he said.
"It was always subtle and unspoken, until yesterday."
Recently, Haunting-Athlete-951 made spaghetti once again, and he kept the noodles and sauce separated "so everyone can choose how much sauce they want."
He said, "A's seen me make spaghetti before, but this time she said I made it 'the White people way.' I feel it is important to note that she is also White. She said I should mix the sauce in, and I told her that wasn't how I make it."
He continued, "She told me that she liked it better when it was pre-mixed, and here's where I maybe went too far."
He added, "I told her I don't care how she likes it, because I wasn't cooking it for her," Haunting-Athlete-951 said. "I told her that when I cook, mine and my gf's preferences are the only things I consider, because the food is being made for us, not for her. If she doesn't like it, she has her own food to make, and there is nothing stopping her from eating that."
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This caused A to get "huffy" and she "stormed off," Haunting-Athlete-951 wrote.
"Later on, E said my tone came off a bit angry. I wasn't angry, I was just stating a fact, but maybe there was a way to put it more gently? I don't know," he said.
In updates to his post, Haunting-Athlete-951 revealed that he and his roommate had a sit-down discussion and smoothed over their misunderstandings.
"To sum up what I said, I told her that while I appreciated her help sometimes in the kitchen, since she had more experience than me, I didn't understand her insisting on something as small as stirring the sauce in or not, when she could simply stir the sauce in herself on her own plate," he said — writing that he "was mindful of my tone and my wording this time around, and I think that helped."
A, for her part, "let out a long sigh and apologized" and said that she had been "pretty moody" after a long day at work and had "ended up taking that out on me," he said.
A therapist told Fox News Digital that the man's reaction was "human" and completely typical of someone who feels unappreciated.
"Of course, there is always a better way to communicate than being rude or aggressive," Rachel Goldberg, a Los Angeles-based therapist, told Fox News Digital via email.
"This is a good time to sit down and discuss things," Goldberg said.
"This doesn't have to be a big issue unless A is upset about something else and taking it out on the cooking, in which case, she needs to communicate that."
Reddit users seemed split on whom, if anyone, was in the wrong in this personal situation.
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On the AITA subreddit, people can reply to posts and indicate the poster is "NTA" ("Not the A--hole"), "YTA" ("You're the A--hole"), "NAH" ("No A--holes Here") or "ESH" ("Everyone Sucks Here").
Users can "upvote" responses they think are helpful and "downvote" ones that are not.
The post was eventually tagged "NAH," meaning nobody was in the wrong — but many of the more than 900 Reddit users who replied to the post voted that Haunting-Athlete-951 was "NTA" or that everyone was in the wrong.
"NAH, as it sounds like y'all are all working a system that doesn't make sense," Reddit user "East_Hospital_2775" wrote in the top upvoted comment.
"Like, if I contributed financially to the food you're cooking, I, too, would like to want to eat it, lol. Y'all need to just have separate ‘everything’ and cut the drama."
Another user disagreed.
"NTA. It's fair to cook for yourself and your girlfriend, considering your preferences," wrote Reddit user "GlitteryGrace19."
"While it's nice to consider your roommate occasionally, you shouldn't feel obligated to cater to her every time. Her comments and hovering could be addressed calmly, emphasizing mutual respect and communication."
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"ESH, because this set-up is just stupid. I'd be annoyed, too, if someone was poorly cooking the food I bought, lol," another user said.
Fox News Digital reached out to the original Reddit poster for additional updates.