GUTFELD: The left turned into everything they used to hate

I'm here. I'm here. Chairman of the Joint Chief of Sexiness. Happy Monday, everyone. So with Trump's election, Mexico is now planning to strengthen its borders. This as Canada also cracks down on illegal immigration. When asked why, officials point to the influx of liberal celebrities that could overwhelm their obesity treatment centers. My God. Because they're fat. 

Last week, Donald Trump met with Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski at Mar-a-Lago. It was hard for them to see eye to eye since Trump only saw the tops of their heads. It's polishing their shoes. Joe Biden appeared to wander off into the Amazon rainforest after making a statement. If you don't know where he was, don't worry. Neither did he. When told he was at the Amazon, Joe said, Tell them I paid for two days shipping on my Depends. 

Turns out the Harris campaign shelled out 2.5 million to Oprah for that disastrous Kamala town hall. Not the original 1 million, as reported. That payout comes to $10 a pound. I know. Funny. And Air Portugal flight was grounded after 132 hamsters ran loose around the plane. Didn't Richard Gear announce he was leaving the country? I guess they found out where his lost luggage went. But passengers knew something was amiss when the pilot illuminated the clench your ass sign. Tight spaces. They love them. 

‘SANCTUARY CITY’ MAYOR VOWS SHE WILL DEFY TRUMP'S MASS DEPORTATION PUSH: ‘CAUSING WIDESPREAD FEAR’

Doctors are warning of a condition called winter penis, in which low temperatures can cause it to shrink by up to 50%. They're also warning of Behar penis, in which exposure to Joy Behar can cause the penis to shrink in size of up to 90%. Finally, Snow White star Rachel Zegler has apologized for her anti-Trump post. It was the fakest apology since Bill Clinton said, I'm sorry to hear your parents are out of town. All right. It's Monday. 

Over the weekend, Donald Trump hit Madison Square Garden again for another one of his unique Nazi rallies. You know, the ones that contain about as many Nazis as Ben Stiller's bar mitzvah. To say he was greeted warmly would be like saying, I'm not a bad looking guy. Trump rolled in with his crew, including Elon, Tulsi, RFK, Vivek and Kid Rock. It looked like an ad for workplace diversity. Except these folks, they have accomplishments. Of course, it was a crowd of mostly men who were actually born that way. So Democrats worst nightmare. Thousands of penises and none inside a woman's locker room. Of course, most of these dudes voted for Trump, as did their wives, girlfriends and pit bulls. Here's some of what it looked like. 

Of course. But of course, CNN would reference ancient Rome. That's the last time they had an audience. But it wasn't just UFC celebrating. Trump's dance took over the NFL. 

Now, if you listen carefully, you can actually hear Colin Kaepernick rolling over in his grave. And he's not even dead. Yeah. But it's the kind of thing that the other side could never achieve today. And right now, the Dems are asking themselves why. 

True, they literally have to pay their friends to hang out with them. It's a question echoing throughout the liberalverse Why don't we have a Rogan? Where's our Elon? 

Well, it's simple. You had Rogan, you had Elan, you even had me in college. But who didn't? Back then, all it took was a lukewarm Zima. The truth is, in the intolerant world the Dems created, no one like Rogan or Musk can exist. And that's because you attract people like that. You need freedom of thought. Or hell, any thought at all. 

So how did the Democrat Party get here? Well, first it was the lazy way out. Rather than making policies that benefit Americans. They slid mindlessly into the toxic path of identity politics. This wasn't thinking. It was a cessation of thought. Like when you're in a coma or watching Fox and Friends. 

Their discussions were never about what can we fix or what can we create. Instead, they began and ended with who I am and why it makes me better than you. They turned everything into an identity pissing contest with their egos as a diuretic. 

Now, if you could claim some intersectionality, you were a neighborhood celebrity, especially if that neighborhood was a college campus or a newsroom. But as these scolds got louder and louder and more of our media invertebrates cowered into line, the resistance started to look a lot like the First Amendment.

Ordinary people wanted the freedom from being canceled. And that's where the Musks and Rogan's came from. They were the revolution. They were the resistance. So you can't be the resistance when you're the machine controlling, controlling all thought. It's why they couldn't create their own Rush Limbaugh or their own Twitter. The left turned into everything they used to hate about the right. It's been the ugliest transition since Admiral Levine turned in his boots for pumps. 

The machine can't make its own resistance. The resistance leaves, and you're left with humorless, hectoring hags like Joy Reid, who's shedding viewers faster than her hair. So are the Dems ready to give up and grow up? Well, here is Jen Psaki doubling down on that dissent. Is this information that must be regulated? 

That was on Katie Couric's podcast, which is slightly more thoughtful than our colonoscopy. But remember that still they embrace censorship rather than figure out what they did wrong. But there's another reason the Democrat media complex can't change ego. 

Rather than identify with the real people, they chose to please the peers in their industry because that's where the cocktail party is. That's where they can impress people who might write about them in Vanity Fair. Their egos need that, so they mirrored each other's assumptions. It was a giant circle jerk – emphasis on jerk.

But as they no longer identified with real people an orange billionaire with brass balls and a willingness to call Bull**** did it by standing up and yelling, Fight, fight, fight. He attracted renegades inspired by his fearlessness. You saw them at the UFC, on the street, at football games. They're no longer afraid to speak their minds. And if you don't like it, cool. There's the door. If you can fit your fat ass through it.