7 craziest stories from our shortest month

February is supposed to be the shortest month. Alas, for my friends in the press, there are no short months under President Donald Trump. 

With the help of DOGE boss Elon Musk, Trump made 28 days seem like the conservative version of Mao’s long march. Cuts, slashes, firings, suspensions and more dominated the news. And, of course, where would the media be without impeachment talk?

The far left still hasn’t taken a cue from the election results. Wisconsin Democrat Gov. Tony Evers even backed a budget that twists the word "mother" into the term "inseminated person." The job requirements to lead a state of 6 million aren’t very high.

It wasn’t all political. The month also featured Ye (formerly Kanye West) doing crazy and disgusting things I won’t sully this op-ed with, but should earn him his own DS number. And to mark his show’s 50th anniversary, "Saturday Night Live" honcho Lorne Michaels claimed that one of the most consistently liberal programs in TV history is "nonpartisan." 

THE GIGANTIC SLUSH FUND INSIDE THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE

That level of insanity was reflected in the crazy stories of the month.

1. Paying Biden to talk – Former presidents often retire to the lecture circuit where people pay six or seven figures just to hear them talk. Then there’s recently unemployed ex-President Joe Biden. Talking isn’t something he’s been able to muster for years. Despite that, Biden is back with Creative Artists Agency (CAA), which repped for him from 2017-2020. Looks like Biden’s handlers think there’s still some life left in his… wallet.

Not to be outdone, former Vice President Kamala Harris signed with the same firm. Maybe she’ll get a multimillion-dollar Netflix deal just like former President Barack Obama. She already has acting experience in the live-action version of "Veep."

2. ‘Wicked’ is accurate – "Wicked" star Cynthia Erivo is supposed to appear in a version of the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, "Jesus Christ Superstar." Not surprising, the Freddy Krueger-esque actress (check out the fingernails – at a safe distance) played Mary Magdalene in an all-female version in 2020. This time, the bald-headed actress, who "identifies as queer and bisexual" and vegan, according to Pink News, is supposed to be playing Jesus. Knowing Hollywood, they won’t just change the savior’s gender, they’ll probably make Judas the hero, too.

RADICAL TRANSPARENCY IS THE SECRET TO TRUMP’S EARLY SUCCESS

3. Bond, Jane Bond – Amazon just acquired rights to the famous James Bond franchise. "Lord of the Rings" fans know what that means and so do our friends at CNN. The outlet posted, "Here’s who we’d love to see play 007 next." Dan Heching, one of their entertainment editors, listed seven suggested candidates including Idris Elba, who has the skills but is already 52. Naturally, two of CNN’s proposed spy kings are… women. 

The diversity-rich 007 list included Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Tilda Swinton. Swinton is more than a decade older than Elba. None of that matters as long as we get Bond to do a gender transition.

4. Peta returns in Groundhog Day irony – Everyone seemed to love my mockery of Peta trying to dump frozen manure last month. The Eco Karens have returned, just like Groundhog Day. Since it’s only their second mention, they are still unreformed in Bill Murray-esque fashion. This month they want to replace TV’s star groundhog Punxsutawney Phil with a "weather reveal" cake. 

Picture the crowd of frozen Pennsylvanians gathering around a cake that turns either blue or pink to indicate whether Heat Miser or Snow Miser will visit. Out goes the animal kingdom’s Jim Cantore and in comes an inedible vegan cake. All because, in the words of Peta, we need to show "Phil a slice of decency." Next time you see an old "Price Is Right" rerun, curse the late Bob Barker for supporting the Peta whackos.

THE MOST REVOLUTIONARY MONTH OF ANY MODERN PRESIDENCY

5. Great Danes – Americans have been sick of Californians at least since Ronald Reagan stopped being governor. That doesn’t mean we are willing to give it up to foreign nations slightly larger than Maryland. After all, there are at least 15 major pro sports teams in the state, depending on how you want to count. (Going on 14 as the Oakland A’s head to Vegas, baby!) Some of our European friends want to wrest it away from Uncle Sam. Over 266,000 people have signed on to a petition urging, "Let’s Buy California from Trump – Denmark’s Next Big Adventure."

Denmark’s GDP is $432 billion or just a bit behind that global economic power, Bangladesh. California alone has a GDP about nine times higher. (Bet you didn’t expect an econ lesson.) So, no sale unless they want to take all the liberal Hollywood people who have invaded the rest of the U.S. Then, it’s California, here we go. 

6. Chicago, we have a problem – I’m never going to win any popularity contests. That’s why I don’t run for office. Being unpopular is a problem in politics, though. Take Chicago Democrat Mayor Brandon Johnson… please. New polling, courtesy of Politico, D-DNC, shows Johnson with a favorability of 6.6% and a negative rating of 79.9%. Sauron probably polled better in Rohan. And Johnson is a Democrat in a city his party controls. With numbers like those, opponents could run famed Chicago mobster Al Capone against him and win. And Capone passed away in 1947.

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7. Dueling liberals – The state of former Washington Post media is astonishing. On one hand, you have former tech reporter Taylor Lorenz masking up and still worried about COVID-19. And on the other, there’s former Post columnist Jen Rubin with her equally boring partner Norm Eisen on The Contrarian. 

Both outlets are successful. No doubt about it. Heck, The Contrarian hit 500,000 Substack subscribers this month, which probably qualifies it as a legal substitute for Melatonin. Watching "Coffee with The Contrarians" and hearing Eisen promise a "dad joke of the day" is a commentary on what happens when the Mad Magazine generation exits their golden years and enters their Biden years.

Lorenz posts repeatedly about COVID, especially about wearing a mask. "Masking up is essential! We protect each other <3," she declares to her readers.

Say what you want about her, she’s not boring. She marked Valentine’s Day by sharing a woman’s video of, "3 reasons Valentine’s Day is Terrible for Affair Partners." Here’s the Lorenz snarky take: "While u might want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, please remember how hard and difficult this day is for those having an affair with ur loved one 

Pick your poison.

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January: The 6 craziest stories of January. Salute!