Countdown's THC energy drinks taste fine, but don't make much sense

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

You wouldn’t think THC and caffeine go together. And you’d be right.

At least that’s how it works for me. The 2018 advent of federally legal cannabis products derived from hemp means there’s been a sweeping wave of new products that deliver weed-like effects. For me, that’s been a series of pleasant buzzes that usher me off to sleep, quieting my nighttime anxiety and blurring the lines between actual thoughts and impending REM cycles.

Adding caffeine to the mix is an interesting concept. In theory, it should replicate that gentle brain disassociation without hitting you like a melatonin. If cannabis is really gunning to replace beer — and as a lighter option with fewer confirmed health risks, that’s not a bad idea — it needs to have a little replay value. It needs to be something you can sip over three hours of a football or hockey game.

That’s Countdown’s aim. The company isn’t the only one to mix up a weed-adjacent energy drink, but it was one of the first to slide into a burgeoning marketplace. So can it create a balanced buzz that keeps you alert and ready to face the day? And, just as importantly, does it taste any good?

Orange Blast: C-

This pours with a ton of quick-moving carbonation and the distinct smell you’re not dealing with a regular energy drink. There’s some citrus in there — the first impression is orange juice — before you get that minor earthy, weed-y note that reminds you there’s 10 milligrams of THC inside.

That holds true in the first sip. There’s a definite THC influence that isn’t covered up by the seltzer inside the way brands like Cann or Nowadays have done. It’s not terrible or distracting, but it is noticeable, particularly against a light current of orange flavor.

Countdown definitely leans toward “caffeinated sparkling water” than “energy drink” when it comes to taste. It’s dry and not especially sweet even though “invert sugar” is the second ingredient on the can. There’s very little that stands out here; without the bubbles you’d think maybe it was the watered-down remains of a screwdriver or another orange juice-related cocktail.

On the other hand, you’re not drinking this for taste, you’re drinking it to see if you can get woken up and a little buzzed at the same time. After 30 minutes I don’t feel especially energized but I do feel like my edges are getting a little fuzzier. I’m more prone to spacing out, then snapping back and asking myself “now what the hell was I trying to do?” And I’m probably more likely to take a nap than attack the day.

It’s also left me with a dry mouth, even while drinking it, which is at least a little weird. The THC is working, but not much else.

Berry Force: C

I’m drinking this one at 9 p.m. to see which wins out; THC’s ability to make me sleepy or caffeine’s ability to wake me up. This pours with plenty of bubbles and a scent that’s halfway between weed and blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers. Like the work desk of a 28-year-old high school English teacher.

That sweetness distinguishes this from the Orange Blast. It doesn’t quite cover up the THC taste, but it does create a softer aftertaste that’s less bitter than the last can. That fake-sugar feeling takes the edge off the bubbles to leave you with a sloppier sip. It also lingers a little bit too long for my liking.

The berry flavor is familiar but largely underwhelming. It’s got a Fruit Stripe gum quality that brings it on strong before quickly fading to nothing but fizzling sugar. Again, I feel a little more tired than energized. We’ll see if this keeps me awake.

Update: It did not. But I did wake up around 3 am without being able to fall back asleep. Admittedly, that’s not entirely uncommon.

Cosmic Lemonade: B

This smells like bottled lemonade; tart and potent but not especially fresh. There’s a slight earthiness to it, but nothing that gives away the THC underneath.

It’s also the best tasting of the three Countdown options. It’s sparkling lemonade, which is always a little bit weird, but there’s a pleasant sweet/sour balance that makes it easy to drink. There’s also something a little more than lemon in here. I can’t quite place it, and maybe it’s just the sugar, but there’s some depth to this citrus — maybe a little light orange flavor? — that makes it stand out.

The carbonation works well here, teaming with that tart citrus to leave a dry, slightly bitter aftertaste to chase away the initial sweetness. This is easy to drink where other Countdowns felt like a chore. There’s flavor and a little complexity here, creating a balance I kinda wish the other cans had.

Like the other Countdown cans, this one has made me more sleepy than energetic.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?