Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘The world is my lobster’

Dear diary,

So now the excitement of my stunning achievements at the Olympics is dying down and the last weeks of the Games has been handed over to lesser sports like throwing objects further than mother can chuck a tantrum or pretending to be a rabbit (do humans have ANY idea how daft they look doing the hop, skip, jump thing?), one question remains. What next?

What’s clear is the evidence that I am indeed an amazing chef de squeak – the lack of clear rounds in the individual showjumping just shows what happens when I am no longer around. Contrast that to the brilliant direct coaching I gave to our eventers (“jumpy, jumpy, gallopy, gallopy and repeat” = GOLD), the indirect help I gave to our showjumpers (“We need to be more streamlined than a greased weasel with the turning circle of a fat fighter who missed the desert station at the buffet” = GOLD) and the words of my wisdom which filtered down to the stressage squad (pretend you are Billy Whatshisface, prancey dancey = bronze) and the facts speak for themselves. In any language – not just fronsay.

It therefore goes without saying that even Stevie Wonder in a blindfold could see that I am needed. Without me it all goes to rat poop faster than a Newcastle lass’s day out at a bottomless brunch. LA2028 is already in the diary but where are my talents needed before then? Do I stick with coaching the elite big guns for my King and country? Do I extend out to other brilliant eventers such as my mate Ollie Country-finish or my besties Mary and Emily? Do I offer clinics to grassroot eventers (as long as they bring the rest of the grass) and bring a whole generation forward, coached in the ways of the feather? Do I seek to get a TV deal and be like that body dude with my own channels and programmes on how to do each phase? I feel the world is my lobster, but I seek guidance and feedback on how best to spread my skills seeds.

One collaboration that I think we need to make happen is I need to meet Snoop Doggy Dawg. I mean the dude is seriously cool and I think we both have a lot in common: we make equestrian sports hip to the masses, we both have fantastic manes, we’re both fly with the ladies and we both like a lot of grass…

I do feel he jumped on my bandwagon a bit with his whole “I am the mascot” thing – dude, I was the official supporter mascot long before you rocked up – but I think we might hit it off. He might be the D-O -Double G but I am the H O V E, the OG – he might be fly but he ain’t got no feather. So my cool friend, shall we drop it like it’s hot shod and pull off the best collaboration the world has ever seen? Get your people to talk to my people and let’s chill.

So, ideas of what you want to see me do/how best I can use my talents to further improve British eventing on a postcard. I’m keen to hear from you all so remember #Hovisheretohelp

Laters,

Hovis

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