The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Jan. 6-12)

My husband doesn’t see the hilarious irony that he sent our identical twins to school in matching sweatshirts that say, “Be Unique!” on the front and now I’m questioning who I married.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) January 11, 2024

The thing about 4 year olds is no matter how tired they are, if they get an 86 second nap in a car it will be enough to fuel them for the next 48 hours.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 9, 2024

Sleep experts: Dark room, avoid caffeine, listen to white noise, no screens an hour before sleep

Me sitting in my bed with the light on, eating dark chocolate, hearing my 3yo roar like a dinosaur over the baby monitor, reading a 4000-reply Twitter argument: Sounds good

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 10, 2024

This whole "no smoking with kids in the vehicle" thing is ridiculous.. look at him he's just cold... pic.twitter.com/UOSumbKxa5

— Uncle MOOK ????✨ (@itsMook989) January 9, 2024

My 4 year-old learned how to spot an EXIT sign in preschool and her teacher told her she was really good at it so now she points out EXIT signs to people everywhere we go. It’s the cutest way I’ve seen anybody tell someone it was time for them to leave.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 9, 2024

You think your kids are so mature and growing up and then you have to say something like “the bathroom is not for karate”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 7, 2024

Me: You're supposed to be in bed.

11-year-old: I tried.

Me: You tried?

11: It didn't stick.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2024

my 2yo officially has reached the milestone of climbing out of his crib. we discovered this when after bedtime, we heard his doorknob turn, and he proudly proclaimed, "hi!!!!!!!! i leave crib!!!!!!!"

— emily (@emilykmay) January 12, 2024

I’ve never committed a crime but I have changed my niece’s diaper in the public washroom while she screamed “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 10, 2024

The funny thing about having your kid in childcare is you have no idea what they know. I started signing “if you’re happy and you know it…” and it was like I unlocked a sleeper cell in my 11 month old. She suddenly sat up straight and started clapping perfectly to the song ????

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 6, 2024

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 8, 2024

My daughter is sad because one of her preschool friends hasn’t been in school because he’s on vacation. I asked where he went and she said “he’s at the place where you can’t see the fox but the fox can see you” and I dunno I just feel like I’d need a vacation from that vacation.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 10, 2024

My 6yo told his teacher we had no food in the house so she sent a flyer home with him for the local food bank. Go-Gurt, we had no Gogurt.

— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) January 9, 2024

My kid has started responding "but I JUST sat down" when I ask him to do something so I guess he has been listening

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 9, 2024

"I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow."

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 8, 2024

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 6, 2024

Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2024

how to ruin your childs entire week with 3 words:

empty the dishwasher.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 11, 2024

Have kids so someone who’s never driven a car in their life can criticize your driving.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 6, 2024