Forget 'Instagram Official': If You Want To Make A Partner Feel Secure, Do This Instead

In the modern age of dating, it’s usually safe to assume a couple is getting serious when they post a photo together and make it “Instagram official.”

But if you’re dating and really want to signal your commitment to a new partner, you might be better off simply scaling back on those “likes” of other people’s thirst traps.

That’s a key takeaway from a new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that looked at how certain social media behaviours can strengthen relationship stability, especially for people with high levels of attachment anxiety.

To create a feeling of security, it’s less about posting about the relationship ― tagging your partner in a story, for instance, or hard launching them on Instagram with a mid-carousel photo. Instead, what fosters a real sense of security is the way in which you interact with others online: Are you “liking” random people’s selfies? Following a ton of hot people? Most importantly, are you actively shutting down threats from attractive people? 

“It appears, at least from my work, that effective commitment expressions on social media rely less on a presence of the positive and instead require an absence of the negative,” said study author Alexandra E. Black, a postdoctoral scholar at the Social Connection and Positive Psychology Lab at Arizona State University.

“There’s a well-known study finding that ‘bad is stronger than good’ ― and I think that dynamic plays out on social media as well,” Black told HuffPost. 

In the study, Black found that anxious people reported feeling threatened when seeing online “evidence” that their partner may be interested in someone else, she told HuffPost. (Those with anxious attachment styles may fear abandonment in relationships, certainly more than those with secure attachment styles.) 

“It can be easy to get caught up in ambiguous information on social media, and anxious people are especially vulnerable to this,” she said.

The study involved participants of all gender and sexual identities, though most were women, and people who identify as heterosexual or bisexual.

At first, Black was just trying to identify which online behaviours are most important for perceiving commitment by a romantic partner: “What can a person do online that makes you believe they are committed to your relationship?” she asked 240 undergraduates. 

She then took those behaviours and narrowed them down, asking a smaller group of undergrads to rate them on degrees of perceived commitment. From there, 900 participants were asked to evaluate hypothetical scenarios where partners performed or did not perform these commitment-signalling behaviours. 

Black found that four behaviours most effectively communicated commitment: “Deleting dating apps, ignoring flirtatious messages, indicating relationship status online, and unfollowing people perceived as threats,” she said. 

The second experiment got a little spicer, testing the above behaviours in a more experimental setting: Participants were given a hypothetical scenario where they discovered their partner had been interacting intimately with an “attractive alternative” on social media. (“Hot stranger” probably doesn’t fly in academic texts.) 

From there, they were then randomly assigned to read either a high-commitment response from their partner ― for instance, a response where their hypothetical boyfriend told the other person that they were in a relationship and then unfollowed them ― or a neutral response (the hypothetical boyfriend discussing a funny cat video).

Participants’ feelings of relationship security and satisfaction were measured before and after reading these scenarios. Unsurprisingly, anxiously attached people reported significantly higher levels of distress, discomfort and jealousy when imagining their partner engaging with the hot stranger overall. 

Those “high-commitment responses” on social media (“I have a boyfriend,” for instance, followed by an unfollow) successfully increased perceived partner commitment, and the perceived devaluation of alternatives ― regardless of attachment styles, avoidant and secure types ― were convinced, too. 

Unfortunately, these behaviours did not translate to anxious people experiencing significantly enhanced feelings of security or relationship satisfaction, as Black hypothesied it would. 

“I was disappointed that the partner buffering condition didn’t seem to help anxious people feel more secure,” the researcher said. 

That doesn’t mean those commitment signals don’t matter, it just means that if you’re dating an anxious person, it may take more to help alleviate any insecurities and downplay any relationship threat.

“Anxiously attached people actively seek out threats in their environment,” Black explained. “They may discount positive relationship behaviors because they place more emphasis on negative behaviors, as warnings that the romantic partner is going to leave them.”

Needless to say, it’s probably a good thing that Instagram did away with its follower page, where you could see what people were “liking” and commenting on in real time. 

“I could definitely see having access to that information as adding to the long list of what makes an anxious person spiral in a relationship,” Black said. “For their sakes, I’m glad that feature is gone!”

There are some limitations of the study, of course: The data was all self-reported, which can be biased. The focus was a bit narrow, too, focusing on newly formed relationships among undergraduates.

Danielle Wayne, a therapist who specializes in anxiety, said she hears less about this issue from her older clientele, though she sees how some stray “likes” and follows could trigger an anxious person. 

“Another factor is time spent on social media,” she said. “If our partner is always on their phone and on social media, that doesn’t help us feel secure in our relationship. If anything, it feels like they’re more in a relationship with TikTok than us. I think this impacts a lot of relationships.”

What to do if you’re uneasy about your partner’s social media use

What psychotherapist Tess Brigham finds most interesting about the findings is how the top four commitment behaviors mirror things people do offline when they want to signal they’re in love. 

“Announcing your dating status is the same thing as walking down the street holding hands: You’re telling the people around you, ‘I care about this person’ and ‘we’re together,’” she said. “Deleting dating apps is the same thing as telling everyone around you, ‘I’ve met someone.’”

In her office, many of Brigham’s clients admit to feeling uneasy about the ways their partners interact with others online. She thinks a lot of the uneasiness stems from the fact that these interactions are mostly with virtual strangers. If the “attractive alternative” was someone we were more familiar with ― someone in our partner’s social circle, for instance ― we could suss out the dynamic and know if the person poses a threat. The same isn’t true online.

“When you can look at your partner and this other person together, you can make a more accurate analysis of the situation,” Brigham said. “Whereas, these interactions with someone your significant other follow tends to feel more mysterious and therefore ‘scarier’ versus looking up and seeing your partner having a lively conversation across the room at a party.” 

Social media may make it harder for people to feel secure in their relationship, but Brigham reminds clients that if someone is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat regardless of Instagram being on their phone. Ultimately, social media alone won’t change your partner’s relationship patterns or trustworthiness. 

“If your partner shows up when they say they’re going to show up, if they listen to you and respect your opinions then they’re probably going to approach social media the same way,” she said. “In that case, they’re going to be mindful of who they follow, they’re not going to want to friend or follow people you’re not comfortable with and they’re going to want to tell the world you’re together.” 

“The same is true for someone who is unfaithful,” the therapist said. “They’re going to be unfaithful with or without social media.”

As for those couples who cede their passwords to each other to feel more at ease, Brigham feels skeptical.

“If you don’t trust your partner, getting full control over their social media and being able to read every message and control who they follow isn’t going to make you feel more secure,” Brigham said. 

That said, if your partner’s social media use is bothering you, the therapist said it’s reasonable to tell them something along the lines of, “I’m uncomfortable with you following so-and-so or all these Instagram models” followed up with an explanation on why it bothers you.

“If you find yourself having to go to your partner over and over again to explain how you feel, it likely has nothing to do with social media or who they follow,” she added. “Ultimately, it has to do with that other person’s desire and commitment to the relationship.”