You Ask, Experts Answer: 'I Want To Divorce My Husband 2 Weeks Into Our Marriage'

When you think about it, marriage is pretty scary. 

Not only does it affect your financial and even professional future, but the contract you sign rests on one of the most unpredictable, changeable things on Earth; the behaviour and feelings of another person.

What do you do if your loved one changes? What if, mere weeks after saying “I do,” the person you’ve dedicated your life to becomes someone you’d never have even dated?

Redditor Purple_Chipmunk_670 seems to be facing that exact conundrum. In a post shared to r/Marriage, they wrote: “I’ve been married two weeks and I want out.” 

There were “never any red flags like lying, infidelity, etc” before the wedding, except when their new husband had briefly started hanging out with old friends who made him unmotivated and irresponsible. 

Before they married, he’d stopped spending time with them at their partner’s request. Now, though, he’s returned to the group; the childish behaviour, crude jokes, and laziness have returned, and he’s even changed his mind about wanting kids (they’d married having discussed having kids soon after). 

“I feel... like he waited until we were married to reveal that it wasn’t a crisis, it was just him having changed into this awful person,” the Redditor wrote. 

So, we spoke to Stephanie Boucher, founder of The Mindful Loft and a therapist who specialises in betrayal trauma, and Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist and the founder of ForwardUs Counselling, about how to handle the sudden shift. 

Cheating isn’t the only form of betrayal in marriages ― a shift in behaviour can be too

But Boucher says it “comes in many shapes and forms. I believe the sudden shift in personality into a concerning one for the author of the Reddit post is experiencing a form of betrayal.” 

Betrayal trauma occurs “when someone you deeply trust suddenly changes in a way that feels unsafe or unrecognizable leaving you feeling disoriented, emotionally abandoned, anxious, and struggling to reconcile the reality of what you thought you knew with the painful newer truth.” 

Inyang agreed, saying: “If a partner misrepresented themselves to get to the wedding, that’s a form of betrayal.” 

“A change in behaviour immediately after the wedding isn’t random; it’s a sign there is something deeper”, she added. 

“In this case, the husband turned back to old habits as soon as the commitment became official. That’s not a small thing.”

“It suggests either (1) he never truly let go of that lifestyle and only hit pause to get through the wedding, or (2) he views marriage as something that shouldn’t require ongoing effort. For whatever reason, it’s a sign.”

When should you call it quits?

If you’re not married already, both experts say it’s important to listen to your gut.

“If something isn’t feeling right, if you’re already rationalising behaviours, telling yourself ‘things will be different after the wedding,’ or acting purely based off pressure and expectations; pause,” Inyang said.

There’s no need to stick to a wedding with someone who makes you feel unsafe “just because invitations have been sent out, the dress has been bought and deposits have been paid.”

And while the stakes for a married couple might be higher, both experts say walking away should always be on the cards. 

“The question for me is simply when do you acknowledge to yourself that the relationship is no longer emotionally safe for you, whether it be in the relationship pre-engagement, in the engagement phase or during marriage,” Boucher said. 

Of course, professional help is a great first step; “For the Reddit author, therapy could provide clarity on whether they want to stay and work through things or if their instincts are telling them to leave.” 

However, Inyang wants us to remember that two people need to be in the marriage for it to work. 

“If they dismiss or invalidate your concerns and make no effort to engage, that’s a dead end,” she commented.

“Go with your instinct if you feel like you’re in the wrong marriage.”