What People are Getting Wrong This Week: Couches, Dolphins, and JD Vance
Less than 100 days from the election, it's time to ask the consequential questions.
Would United States senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance consider the image at the top of this article pornographic? It depends on if you're asking the internet or not.
You may have heard that a presidential election is coming up in the fall. Naturally, that means a ton of sewage-level information—lies, slander, rumors, and satire mistaken for fact—has been flooding the internet. The most notable piece of digital flotsam from the past week is the widely spread, tongue-in-cheek rumor that Vance, who I must remind you has 50-50 odds of being next in line for the presidency of a world superpower, fucked his couch . I'll attempt to explain where this rumor came from and why it's spreading across social media like cat hair on a wool sectional (short answer: because it's funny). I'll then dive into the other meme about Vance's sexual proclivities that has been making the rounds.
Did J.D. Vance really say he had sex with a couch?
On July 15, X user @rickrudescalves (account since deleted) made online waves when he reacted to Donald Trump choosing Vance as his running mate with a message reading, “can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘺, pp. 179-181)”
The message was shared millions of times, and quickly boosted, memed, and otherwise entered into the unofficial record. Because it has a citation and it seems so believable, many people took the couch-sex story as fact, at least at first. But it's not. It's just a joke—a shitpost, in internet parlance.
While no one can definitively say that Senator Vance has never fucked a couch (what goes on between a man and a consenting piece of furniture is none of my business), he definitely did not write about fucking a couch in his memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, and there is no other publicly available evidence that indicates he has had sex with a sofa, ottoman, futon, or any other upholstered furniture.
Whatever side of the political spectrum you fall on, it isn't really a mystery why this bit caught on. It's absurd, memorable, and perfectly crafted—kudos to @rickrudescalves for suggesting Vance required three full pages to describe his encounter with the sofa.
Is J.D. Vance a fan of dolphin porn?
While there isn't any evidence that Vance is turned on by his couch, there actually is evidence that he's searched the internet for dolphin porn! It's not the strongest evidence, but still.
On Feb 17, 2024, Vance posted the following to his X account:
I’m not sure what Vance was trying to communicate by sharing this screenshot, but the important thing is that X's search function returns results with the search terms emboldened. For instance, I used to X to search “JD Vance" and "Dolphin.” Here is one of thousands of results that came back to me:
Note the bolded words matching my search terms. The evidence, then, tells us that Vance’s dolphin post is proof enough that he searched the words “woman” and “dolphin” together on Twitter at least once. We don't know why Vance searched those words, but it definitely looks like he searched for them.
Update: Celebrity restaurant banning sprees continue in fake news universe
A few weeks ago, I looked into the sprawling alternative reality created by right wing fake news websites and Facebook forwards targeting ABC's talk show The View. A recurring theme in that mire of incendiary wish-fulfillment are fake stories of celebrities being banned from dining at other celebrity’s restaurants. For reasons unknown, dopes love to read stories about people they hate being banned from chain restaurants.
Since that post, two other stars have reportedly been ejected from celebrity-owned eateries:
Shaq Throws George Clooney Out Of His Restaurant, Bans Him For Life,“Keep Your Wokeness Out”
Gordon Ramsay Throws Lia Thomas Out Of His Restaurant, “No Place For You Here”
If you’re keeping score at home, here’s a running tally of who has been banned from which celebrity -owned restaurant:
Gordon Ramsay’s ban list: Robert Deniro, Lia Thomas, Megan Rapinoe, Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce, Whoopi Goldberg, The Miami Dolphins.
Guy Fieri’s ban list: Whoopi Goldberg, Megan Rapinoe, Garth Brooks, and Tom Hanks.
Shaquille O’Neal’s ban list: George Clooney, Joy Behar, Robert Deniro,
Gordon Ramsay is leading the pack with seven total celebrity ejections (including the entire Miami Dolphins football team), compared to just four for Fieri and only three for O’Neal. The most banned celebrity is Robert Deniro, who is not allowed to dine at eateries owned by Fieri, Ramsay, or O'Neal—a greater honor than winning a third Oscar, if you ask me.