Harriette Cole: I’ve run out of excuses for not coming to see her baby
How do I explain what I've been going through?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister recently had a baby, and while I am happy for her, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of jealousy.
My husband and I have been trying for a child for 10 years, and this is a milestone we’ve been dreaming of reaching. Seeing my sister achieve it so effortlessly — especially since she is five years younger than me — has been incredibly hard for me to handle emotionally.
Her baby is one month old, and I have made every excuse in the book to avoid visiting them. The thought of being around her and her newborn fills me with a mix of sadness, jealousy and guilt. I feel like a terrible sister for not being able to celebrate this occasion with her.
My heart aches every time I think about the fact that she is living the life I have prayed for, and I am consumed with feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
I’m worried that my avoidance and emotional distance might be hurting her feelings, but I don’t know how to be around her without breaking down. I want to be a supportive and loving sister, but the pain of my own unfulfilled dreams makes it incredibly difficult.
How do I explain my feelings to her without making her feel guilty or burdened by my struggles?
— Envious
DEAR ENVIOUS: Though this is difficult, make the effort to go see your sister and meet the baby.
Your sister’s hormones are raging, and she could likely be emotional herself. Just being there for her, if only for a short time, will assure her that you love her and are happy for her.
If she asks you why it has taken so long for you to visit, or if she otherwise asks what’s going on with you, admit that her having a baby has triggered a lot of mixed feelings for you. Tell her you don’t mean to feel jealous or sad, but you do because you have been trying to conceive for so long; you are genuinely happy for her and uncontrollably sad for yourself right now.
Apologize for not having your emotions in check. Assure her that you are happy for her.
You may want to go to counseling to gain some strategies for how to move forward.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I transitioned to working from home as a freelance graphic designer for online thrift clothing shops during the pandemic.
While I appreciate the flexibility, I’m struggling with loneliness and a lack of social interaction.
Most days, I find myself feeling isolated and unmotivated, despite hanging out with my boyfriend every weekend.
How can I maintain a sense of connection and stay motivated in my work-from-home setup, especially considering I started this remote work arrangement not that long ago? I’d appreciate any tips on balancing solitude with social interaction, especially since my job requires long hours in front of the computer.
— Solitude Canvas
DEAR SOLITUDE CANVAS: Join a professional organization or another activity that gets you out of the house regularly. Consider renting an office in a co-working space so that you are in other people’s company. Make lunch or dinner appointments with friends a couple of times per week.
In other words, create opportunities to be around other people on a regular basis.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.