Harriette Cole: When I met my boyfriend’s mother, I saw a worrisome future for myself
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 20-year-old who has been in a relationship for two years.
My boyfriend has always been supportive and follows my lead in many aspects of our lives together, from the food we order to the places we visit. He even chose to attend the same college as me because he does not know what he wants yet.
Initially, I appreciated his consideration for my preferences, but things clicked into place when I met his family.
In his household, his mother is the breadwinner, and his father defers to her for all major decisions. She controls the finances, and everyone seeks her permission for everything.
The possibility of that being my future makes me feel exhausted already.
My boyfriend did mention once that the reason he and his ex-girlfriend broke up was because she is the type to be submissive and didn’t have an opinion on anything.
I wonder if this is a valid reason to consider breaking up, or if I’m unfairly judging him based on his family’s dynamics. Could he eventually become like his father, or am I overthinking things?
— Making Assumptions
DEAR MAKING ASSUMPTIONS: It sounds like your boyfriend is like his father already. Further, he has told you that when he was in a relationship with someone who did not take charge, he was lost.
The question is whether you can accept being in a relationship with someone who needs you to be in charge. That isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it is real.
You may be able to teach him how to take charge of certain things. Partners are “trainable,” so to speak, in the sense of learning how to adapt to their partner and be in sync with them, but your boyfriend has shown you who he is. Believe it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My spouse and I were profoundly disturbed by the letter from “Overstaying Daughter’s Friend” and your response to it.
Both of us experienced severe abuse as children, including neglect and molestation. Consequently, we immediately recognized signs that this teenage girl might be seeking safety and refuge with her friend’s family.
Your advice that the letter writer contact the girl’s parents, without first ensuring the girl’s safety, could potentially expose her to further abuse. We strongly urge you to reconsider and address this matter with greater sensitivity and awareness of potential child abuse.
It is imperative to provide guidance that prioritizes the girl’s well-being and ensures she is not placed in harm’s way. Please follow up and take steps to ensure her safety, as we truly believe she could be in danger.
— Disturbed
DEAR DISTURBED: Thank you for bringing your concerns to me and my readers. You and others wrote in, putting a red flag on this. I appreciate it.
If you suspect child abuse, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline for immediate, 24-hour help: 800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453).
And you are right: Check in with the child who is in your care before turning the child back over to their parents. You may be the safety net they need.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.