Consent shouldn’t be confusing, but it is – this is why

One in 30* women is raped or sexually assaulted every year in England and Wales, none of whom will have consented to sex, no matter the circumstances.

So why is the issue of consent still seen as complicated? 

Research** has found that almost half of us are not clear on what it means or do not know what the act of consent means. 

Even those impacted by sexual assault have been left with question marks hanging over their experience.

For rape survivor Mia*, being drunk made her wonder if she’d somehow consented to sex with a colleague – even though she had said ‘no’.

After going for a few drinks with him and another workmate, she felt ill and made the decision to go home. The man asked if he could sleep on her sofa.

‘He was married, we were just friends, and he had no way of getting home. I would be in my own home, safe, with a colleague I knew well,’ she says in a testimonial for the Sue Lambert Trust, a charity that supports survivors of rape and sexual assault. 

‘Arriving home, the room was spinning, and I was so nauseous. I dressed in my PJs and laid down to sleep. And that’s when he came into my room and raped me. I was drunk, but I know I said “no, stop it, I don’t want this, I don’t want you”. But it went on. He didn’t stop. It felt like an outer body experience. Then I collapsed, drunk, and fell asleep.’

The next day Mia went back to work ‘on autopilot’ thinking that she was to blame. However, a couple of months later, another colleague could tell she was struggling and convinced her to talk to someone at the Sue Lambert Trust. 

‘It was Sue herself who reassured me it wasn’t my fault,’ recalls Mia. ‘I had not given consent. I had no capacity to give consent. He had raped me. I went to the police and discovered there had been reports this man had done this before. 

‘The police then interviewed people at work, and as the news broke, some colleagues made me feel like I was the person on trial. And that I was “crying rape”,’ she adds. ‘Some asked “but what were you wearing?” and “do you really think its acceptable to go for drinks with a married man?”’

While the case went to court, like so many that revolve around consent, Mia’s rapist wasn’t convicted. ‘The jury could not reach a majority and it was a hung jury,’ she explains. However, Mia adds, although he wasn’t found guilty, the man ‘will forever have a black mark against his name.’

Breaking down ‘blurred lines’

In an attempt to clear up any confusion, Andrea Simon, Director of the End Violence Against Women Coalition, tells Metro: ‘Consent means all people involved in any kind of sexual activity are agreeing to take part by choice. But crucially, they must have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.’

Yet, despite this clear definition misconceptions still remain. Rape myths can create a ‘damaging narrative’ according to Rape Crisis CEO Ciara Bergman. ‘Because it’s often based on the presumption that a woman owes a man sex in certain circumstances: which is absolutely not the case.’ 

He said, she said 

Dr Alessia Tranchese tells Metro that another key problem is people are unaware that women are, in most cases, telling the truth. It is estimated that just 3-4% of reported rapes are based on false allegations in England and Wales. 

‘We live in a society that believes violence against women is acceptable, even desirable for some, and that women lie about it,’ she tells Metro.

Meanwhile the ‘rough sex’ defense, which has been used in court to claim that an injury or death occurred during consensual rough sex, is also problematic, according to the charity We Can’t Consent To This. The group argues that it is impossible for a woman to agree to this kind of violence as under no circumstances can a person agree to sex that has the capacity to kill.

Where does the confusion come from?

‘We’re receiving this unhelpful and sometimes downright harmful messaging from multiple sources – maybe from boyfriends, friends or family members, as well as from social media and prominent influencers who’ve become voices of authority,’ Violence Against Women’s Head of policy and campaigns, Rebecca Hitchen tells Metro.

‘They all reinforce one another, and that’s why it makes it so difficult to tackle, because these views have become really entrenched.’

The platforming of men, namely Andrew Tate, who says rape victims must ‘bear responsibility’ for their attacks and garnered more search traffic than the likes of Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump for two years, is also having detrimental consequences. 

While most social media sites have now banned Tate, who along with his brother Tristan, has been charged with rape, human trafficking and organised crime (both men deny the accusations and are awaiting trial) – the damage is already done: YouGov data has shown that 26% of men in the UK aged between 18 and 29 agree with the misogynist influencer’s views on women.

‘You can’t shut Andrew Tate down. There’s a whole network behind him who repackages his content, which makes it harder for platforms to deflect,’ says online radicalisation and cyber security specialist Laura Smith.

Bergman adds: ‘Equally, many aspects of culture – for example advertisements, film and TV – mislead us about sex and consent, and reinforce rape myths and stereotypes.

‘If you think about the way rape is depicted on screen, it’s often committed by a stranger with significant use of physical force and a woman trying to fight him off. While of course that does happen, it’s not representative of most victims’ experiences.’ 

Even films pitched as aspirational love stories often show a man relentlessly chasing a woman. When she says no, she is portrayed as simply playing hard to get, says Bergman.

Consent in court

Another issue is sexual crime can be difficult to prove in court, and convictions are tough to achieve. ‘There are almost never any eye-witnesses which means that most women are unable to prove they were assaulted and get justice,’ explains Dr Tranchese. 

‘Given the low conviction rate for rape, this system clearly doesn’t work. I hear so many times people ask “Did she consent?” to determine sexual violence. But consent is a fleeting concept – as by definition it can be withdrawn at any time. 

‘The law also doesn’t always take into account real-life power differences and it puts the burden on the victim to prove she did not consent, rather than on the perpetrator to prove that he asked for consent.’

Hitchen adds: ‘Too often women and girls don’t feel comfortable or confident to share abusive experiences, because the focus wrongly turns to the woman’s behaviour and choices rather than the men’s actions. 

‘We don’t often hear “Did he ignore signs of discomfort? Did he target women who looked very drunk or out of it? Does he watch violent or degrading porn?”’

Can we ever get to grips with the issue? 

Although history has seen each generation get more progressive, for the first time, less than half of people can identify common truths about rape. Even more concerning is that regressive attitudes are no longer just by young men, but also by young women, says Hitchen, who believes this is partly due to the way information is now consumed.

Young people are not watching TV anymore (48% of 16–24 year olds don’t tune into the traditional media each week) and instead often digest news through spaces that are much more unregulated. 

In a positive step, Ofcom will soon be regulating social media as part of the UK’s Online Safety Act. However, many women’s charities point out that while this is a move in the right direction, it needs to be consistently monitored and improved.

Another integral part of the solution is better education about sexual consent and healthy relationships for school-aged children and for students in higher education. ‘We need to prioritise preventing harm before it happens. For far too long, the focus has been on trying to respond after it has occurred,’ Hitchen explains. 

While schools currently offer sex education, parents can ask to withdraw their children from the non-scientific classes. Hitchen argues that there are ways of introducing the basis of consent in interactions from a young age in ways that are appropriate and create positive and healthy dynamics.

‘This means not just teaching young people to say no, but encouraging them to develop the skills of asking for consent, and really listening, recognising and respecting others’ responses and choices.

‘The idea that consent is really complex can quite easily be challenged. No always means no.’ 

*Rape Crisis

**Survey by the Crown Prosecution Service and Equally Ours