‘I work for a LGBT domestic violence hotline – I feel guilty I can’t fix everything’

Some phone from work, fearing the abuse they’ll face from their family if they find out they’re gay.

Others, as they listen out for the jingling of house keys, say their partner is withholding their gender-affirming medication.

They reach out to ask a stranger if they should leave their relationship. Their partner is not a bad person, but they’re at their wit’s end. They no longer know what’s real or feel connected to their community.

These people have phoned a domestic abuse hotline run by the LGBT Foundation, a queer health and wellbeing charity.

‘We recently had a gay male from the travelling community who was exposed to really high levels of violence – some 40 abusive perpetrators involved,’ Tiffany Sky, the charity’s LGBTQ+ Domestic Abuse and Sexual Violence service, told Metro.

‘It was a never-ending cycle of torture, torment and physical violence.’

‘LGBTQ+ people face domestic abuse, too’

Domestic violence can happen to and be perpetuated by anyone, regardless of sexuality or gender. But such cruelty might present differently among queer people, Tiffany, who has worked in domestic violence services since she was 24, said.

‘For one, there’s the threat of disclosure. A lot of clients maybe aren’t out to family, friends or colleagues and that’s used by an abusive partner to control them,’ she said.

‘If the family aren’t aware of someone’s LGBTQ+ identity, that’s one less safety net.

‘When someone is identified as a high-risk – serious harm or death – there’s a lot of professional intervention involved which can be a real concern for the survivor as it’s another opportunity to be outed.’

What LGBTQ+ domestic abuse survivors face can challenge the misconception that an abusive situation is only when a partner throws a punch.

‘If you have someone that’s in their first LGBTQ+ relationship, the threat by an abusive partner to isolate them can stop them ending that relationship,’ Tiffany said.

‘We’ve got a society that’s based on heterosexist myths about regression and violence. As a result of that, abusive partners may make the survivor think no one’s going to believe them.

‘Abusive partners give the idea that the violence is mutual, or that the survivor consents to the abuse using gaslighting techniques,’ she said, manipulation that involves making people doubt their perception of reality.

Some face so-called ‘corrective rape’ – the raping of LGBTQ+ people to ‘cure’ them of their sexuality – and forced marriages.

Chemsex, the use of drugs to enhance sex, can also see people use controlling and isolating behaviours on queer partners.

‘They tell us, “I’ve been coerced into that by my abusive partner,” and then there’s been sexual assault and rape as a result,’ Tiffany said.

And abusers aren’t always partners. ‘We had one bisexual woman that presented to us who was the victim of a very serious domestic abuse and sexual violence perpetrated by male members of her family,’ said Tiffany.

‘They used corrective rape and conversion therapy, which included forms of torture, to try to heal her of her “wicked ways”.’

‘Bisexual women are more vulnerable to sexual abuse because of stigma’

Queer and trans women face not only gender-based inequities but anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination too, what campaigners often call intersectionality.

Stats show these demographics are more vulnerable to sexual and intimate partner violence. One in four lesbian women have experienced domestic abuse, according to the anti-violence charity Galop.

Bisexual women are almost three times more likely than straight women to encounter domestic abuse, Safe Lives has found.

While 50% more bisexual and pansexual women than lesbians experience severe violence in their relationships in their lifetimes.

‘The biggest factor is the social stigma they face,’ explained Tiffany. ‘We find bisexual women are misunderstood or dismissed, not only by heterosexual people but also by the LGBTQ+ community. They feel isolated and have fewer places to turn to.’

Over time, this can chip away at a queer woman’s mental well-being, making it even more difficult for them to recognise their experiences as domestic abuse.

‘If they’re feeling isolated and they haven’t got that support network around them to keep them going, they will become stuck in those unsafe situations,’ Tiffany said.

One in four trans people in a relationship in the last year have faced domestic abuse, with the majority of the perpetrators being male.

‘We find trans survivors come through saying their medication has been withheld, or their perpetrators refused to use their correct pronoun or ridicule their bodies,’ Tiffany said.

‘Some are shamed by their partner, convincing them no one will believe them because they’re transgender.’

‘Chemsex is becoming more of an issue’

Experts have long warned that domestic abuse statistics fail to capture the true extent of the violence.

After years of their emotions being twisted, LGBTQ+ survivors may not report incidents to the authorities – and even to abuse hotlines – fearing prejudice, indifference or having to out themselves.

Some survivors say that support networks may seem more tailored to heterosexual relationships, giving the impression that domestic abuse does not happen in queer relationships.

Domestic abuse in the UK overall is on the up – 1,600,000 women and 712,000 men were victims as of March 2024.

Some campaigners say that the rise in calls may reflect an increased willingness to confront domestic violence as more survivors share their experiences – and politicians back them.

Others say it shows how people are realising abuse can take on many forms: Keeping tabs on phones, being trolled on social media, refusing to help with chores and being pushed to make one-sided financial decisions.

The LGBT Foundation is one of a growing number of support networks dedicated to queer people.

The charity, nominated at the Metro Pride Awards this month, supports people in the wider Manchester and Liverpool areas.

‘We spend tireless amounts of time breaking the barriers the community we’re trying to support faces so we can reach out,’ Tiffany said.

‘But the levels of violence we see is really significant, we’re finding chemsex is becoming quite a prominent issue.’

Tiffany said that the violent behaviour that comes out of the chemsex scene is little understood by police, and survivors may be put off reporting it to the force as there’s ‘already systematic homophobia’.

She added: ‘We work closely with the police to support them so line officers can identify when it is LGBTQ+ domestic abuse and respond appropriately.’

For Tiffany, her job is not only that, a job. ‘Vicarious trauma’, that we catch secondhand stress symptoms from being exposed to distressing events, is something many practitioners like her know.

‘You experience this kind of guilt because you can’t save this person, or you can’t fix everything,’ said Tiffany.

‘We’re human beings, we can’t save the world but we’re doing the best with what we have got.’

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