'I am a single female 30-year-old virgin. I watch porn and masturbate every now and then.'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am a single female 30-year-old virgin. I watch porn and masturbate every now and then. I’m concerned about how this might affect my future relationship, especially my marriage. What are the effects of masturbating and watching porn? Is it healthy or unhealthy? Should I stop or continue?

P

Dear P,

Thank you for your message.

One of the better recent articles I have found that outlines the pros and cons of pornography is this piece. In summary, pros seem to be increased access to diverse sexual material, destigmatization of sex, sexual empowerment, and of course a leisure activity. Cons are seen as a unrealistic view of beauty, sexual desensitization, and the possibility of addiction.

Turning to your situation, it would appear that you are not in any way an excessive user of porn so that the question of any addiction is irrelevant. To the extent that you need to guard against any risk that it might affect your future relationships or marriage, the focus must therefore lie in the area of unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex. Much like movie industry, porn uses a limited range of actors and features a limited range of body images. 

Furthermore, it generally concentrates on the mechanics of sex rather than any other aspect of a relationship between the partners. This might lead to false expectations when the viewer of porn comes face to face with the realities of the real world, especially in matters of size, endurance, and preferences regarding positions and sexual acts. Not everyone after all is prodigiously endowed and a fan of the more esoteric positions, for example.

Provided that you understand and appreciate the potential disconnect between your experience with porn and the reality of sex within a relationship, you should be fine as you are. Please write again should you have further questions.

All the best,
JAF Baer

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[Two Pronged] My husband picks porn over me

Dear P:

Thank you very much for your letter and for bringing up a matter that has confounded many of us who believe in feminism and also freedom of choice. I think the principal argument about porn used to be (and, in many cases, still is) that it is mainly male-centered, plus the fact that because of this more female actors in porn suffer depression than male actors. 

Also, sadly, more female actors commit suicide than do male actors. In a list of 23 pornographic actors, only seven men committed suicide; the rest were women.

My beloved P,  I do not mean to make you feel guilty about watching porn, and frankly I have a feeling you already know about the above statistics that you cannot directly change whether you watch porn or not.

Plus, here is other research on the subject which may further reassure you:  

Researchers including Andrea Dworkin, a radical feminist writer best known for her 1) analysis of pornography and 2) oft-quoted remark which she claims was simplified (I agree), “all heterosexual intercourse is rape” admitted that many women in their studies self-identified as feminists and enjoyed pornography despite the subjugation of women woven into some pornography narratives. Other feminist adherents posit that pornography has the potential to act as a positive agent for women’s sexual politics and women’s rights. 

There are a number of relatively unexplored potential benefits of pornography, including improved access to sex education and learning safe sex, opportunity for sexual identity-bending as well as opportunities for women to produce and distribute their own representations of their sexual selves (Williams, 1991). 

Also, as you may already know and use these porn sites, there are at least 24 feminist porn sites for both women and, hopefully, some men to enjoy. These would not have any degrading themes about women that often men use to make other men horny and one hopes they treat their female actors much more sensitively and respectfully.

SO…in answer to your questions about whether you should stop or continue, my personal feeling is, that so long as you enjoy porn and masturbate because you want to and you enjoy it, by all means carry on.  The only caveat is what Mr. Baer mentioned above: “Provided that you understand and appreciate the potential disconnect between your experience with porn and the reality of sex within a relationship.” 

But you know something? The fact that your letter focuses on how your current behavior might affect your relationships with your future boyfriends, especially your future husband, proves a sensitivity that many people do not possess and how blessed your future partners will be to have a relationship with a woman like you! 

All the very best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.