Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

Many would consider me living a charmed life. I am good looking and have a strong, buff body from working out and playing basketball. Women like me and I have even managed to convince myself that it is because of me and not because of all the money I inherited from my mother.

On my 40th birthday, I had a big party, complete with a beautiful girl jumping out of a cake. My friends paid her to sleep with me, but I noticed I was not interested. So, I paid her more than what my friends paid her to tell them that I was a terrific lover.

Is it possible that this loss of libido is due to my hitting my forties?

Malcolm

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Dear Malcolm,

Thank you for your email.

While prima facie this ‘lack of interest’ seems a one-off event, the fact that you have written is suggestive of a more pervasive condition, or at least a concern that it might become so.

The first step, if reoccurrence worries you, is to consult a urologist and determine if there is any physiological reason to be addressed. If none, then the issue is probably psychological.

While many men eschew paying for sex (for moral, religious, health or financial reasons, for example), others are more relaxed or even enthusiastic about this option. In some societies, paid sex is frowned upon, in others it is commonplace and also a rite of passage into adulthood for young men.

You do not indicate if this is the first time that you have faced this issue yet this is an important factor. If a man only associates sex with a genuine loving relationship, his reaction when called upon to perform with a stranger on demand might well be unenthusiastic at best. If, however, he is used to these situations, his failure would be viewed in an entirely different light.

In answer to your specific question, loss of libido in one’s early forties is very unlikely, absent other physiological or psychological factors.

In summary, if this is a one off, just relax and move on. If it is recurrent, consult a health professional.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Malcolm:

Thank you very much for your letter.

Your very specific question “Is it possible that this loss of libido is due to my hitting my forties?” relates to this one incident: your lack of interest in having sex with a beautiful woman (paid for by your friends) jumping out of a cake during a party on your 40th birthday.

The very specific answer to your very specific question is: It is perfectly understandable that you would be more interested in going back to your party and being with your friends. It also speaks of the “dangers” of having sex with someone “paid for by your friends” as it is very likely, in commercial transactions like these, that the loyalty of the woman is with the payer(s) rather than the “beneficiary.” Yes, the word beneficiary is put in quotes because many would say, and I have no doubt that includes you, that your having sex then would be more beneficial to your friends than to you.

This is especially given your circumstances of being physically attractive and having money to boot. It sounds like you do not need to pay for beautiful women to want to have sex with you. So to have sex with a woman who would be likely to answer questions like “How big is his penis?” or “How many rounds did he go with you?” or even “Is he a better lover than me?” would be foolhardy. Kudos to you for such an elegant solution to this very specific situation.

Now, going to the more general question: “At what age does libido decline?” or “is it normal for a man’s libido to decline at 40?” the answer is a bit more complicated. That is because sexual desire (libido) is, like the FB relationship status, complicated. In addition to one’s feelings about paid sex (as per the specific circumstances above), libido also depends on psychological, emotional, social, and physical factors.

Since I do not know much about the first three factors as they concern you, let me focus on the physical factor. Let me focus further on the possible effect of age on the male libido, which definitely changes over time and under different circumstances.

Loss of libido is very individual. Some people may notice a dramatic change, while others notice no difference at all. This may or may not have to do with testosterone production, which slowly decreases between the ages of 35 – 45. Typically, testosterone production goes down by about 1% per year, but it could be faster for some men. This could have some effect on your sex drive.

What I feel is more important in your case, however, is what some sex psychologists (myself included) like to call spontaneous and responsive libidos. The former happens when nothing “external” is needed for you to want to have sex; the latter is when you initially feel sexually neutral, but then becomes more receptive after getting stimulated in some way.

Since more men than women tend to experience spontaneous desire, sometimes people confuse responsive libido with a lack of libido.

Many sex psychologists (myself not included) immediately try to “help” their client with suggestions to jumpstart his/her seeming low libido. I prefer to see if said problem is really a problem, or just one imposed by one’s culture. It can also be imposed by one’s partner’s insistence (boo) – but not boo if it is a partner’s need, rather than his/her demands.

In my opinion, if you are happy and healthy, your seeming lack of libido is nothing to worry about, so enjoy!

Best regards,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.