‘Hardest goodbye’: 3 young professionals on coping with grief, loss of parents
Losing a loved one is a deeply personal and often isolating experience. The pain can be overwhelming, and each individual's healing journey is unique.
MANILA, Philippines – “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” – Philippians 1:21.
I first encountered this verse on my brother’s epitaph when I visited his final resting place as a child. Walking through the cemetery, I noticed this verse on many headstones, a testament to its deep resonance with those mourning their loved ones.
My brother passed away when he was just 5 years old, after a brave battle with acute myelogenous leukemia, a form of blood and bone marrow cancer. In the 1990s, medical technology was not as advanced as today.
Although I was born five years after his death, his story deeply touched me. Because of that, I dreamed of becoming a pediatric oncologist, inspired by the memory of my brother.
Losing a loved one is a deeply personal and often isolating experience. The pain can be overwhelming, and each individual’s healing journey is unique. Grief can create a profound sense of loneliness, making it difficult to connect with others who haven’t experienced a similar loss. The world seems to move on, while your life feels like it has reached a standstill.
This harsh reality means that even in the depths of mourning, we must find the strength to carry on, mask our pain, and navigate the complexities of daily existence. It’s not easy, and many struggle to cope. How can we try to move forward, amid life’s daily tasks and struggles?
Rappler reached out to registered psychologist Shiela Manjares-Bulus to help answer three young professionals’ greatest questions on grief. Manjares-Bulus provides insights into the process of mourning, offering real-life advice to cope with loss.
Together with the stories of these three young adults, we will find that the difficult path of grief can be navigated, through strength and comfort in shared experiences.
From tragedy to triumph
Civil lawyer Jaybesar Tante, 27, is known for offering pro bono services to indigent clients. His background in psychology has significantly aided him in coping with personal loss and understanding the complexities of human behavior in his legal practice.
However, Tante’s path to success was marked by profound tragedy. When he was 16, he lost his father unexpectedly. That fateful day began like any other: After a long day of Bible study, his father cooked dinner for the family and even agreed to let Tante go to Enchanted Kingdom with his friends the next day.
Tante was excited about the trip, but life took a devastating turn when he woke up to his father’s unusual snoring. The family rushed him to the hospital, only to face the heartbreaking news that his father was dead on arrival.
“I was so mad at the doctors that I told my friends anyone brought to that hospital would die, even if they had a 100% chance of surviving,” Tante recalled, still feeling the deep hurt and devastation when the doctors failed to revive his father.
Manjares-Bulus, reflecting on such losses. “Typically, people initially experience shock or denial, but as the reality sinks in, feelings of guilt, regret, sadness, and helplessness can overwhelm.”
After his father’s sudden passing, Tante was plagued with worries about the future. “How will we survive college?” he questioned. “Should I quit college and work? Who would hire a 16-year-old skinny boy only in his second year of college? What should I do to ease everything for Mom?”
Amidst these doubts, Tante discovered a source of strength. He realized that despite his worries, “God’s grace is sufficient.”
Navigating the challenges of adulthood and grief, Tante found solace in the company of good friends. “Finding good company, truly good company, can help you through the rough patches of life,” he shared. “They may not be able to help financially, but spending time with them offers a much-needed breather and emotional support.”
Support systems are crucial in helping individuals feel that they still belong and have someone to lean on. “We must validate their feelings and avoid pressuring them to ‘move on.’ Grieving timelines differ for everyone,” Manjares-Bulus said.
Tante emphasized the importance of balance as he reflected on his journey through grief. Tante discovered a vital lesson that there are things beyond his control and those that should not control him; this newfound perspective became a cornerstone of his approach to life and coping with loss.
“God helped me see what to celebrate in life, even amidst the loss in our family.” In his grief,
Tante shared a poignant insight that losing a parent is a part of life. Moving on is not an option because our parents will always be a part of our lives. This perspective underscores parents’ enduring presence and influence, even after they are gone.
He also said that when losing someone, “acceptance is always the first step” — the pivotal role of acknowledging one’s emotions and seeking support as essential components of the healing process after experiencing a significant loss.
This sudden loss profoundly impacted Tante and shaped him into the compassionate and determined lawyer he is today. His journey through grief and resilience has fueled his commitment to justice and service in the legal field.
Finding purpose through pain
“Maaasahan kang lagi, maging hanggang wakas nitong buhay.” (You can always be counted upon, even till the end of this life.)
This was a line in the last song of Psalm Dominic Gregorio’s father before the latter’s death in August 2023. In an intimate reflection on loss and resilience, the 24-year-old Gregorio shared the profound impact of losing his father amidst the highs and challenges of his budding career.
Joy and sorrow marked Gregorio’s journey. “The week I learned I would graduate with Latin honors, ranking second in my batch, was also the week we received confirmation of my father’s esophageal cancer diagnosis,” he said.
Navigating the demands of preparing for board exams while working proved daunting. “With my first salary, I treated myself to fast food. As I sat alone, surrounded by happy families, the contrast hit me — my mom and dad were in the hospital,” he recalled.
He had an emotional exchange with his father on the eve of his board exam. “Before leaving for the board exam, my father needed oxygen. I placed it on him and asked, ‘Daddy, papasa ako, ‘no (I’ll pass, right)?’ With great effort, he replied, ‘Oo naman (Of course).’ That goodbye was the hardest,” he said.
Gregorio’s father died just days before the release of the results of the Psychometrician Licensure Exam. “God allowed my father’s words, ‘Oo naman (Of course),’ to come true,” he said, finding solace in aligning his personal milestones with his father’s hopes.
Gregorio needed to step forward for his family, especially for his younger sister, Mariah, and navigate his family toward healing and acceptance.
Manjares-Bulus said: “The loss of a parent means the loss of guidance, security, and protection, especially in our Filipino setting.” This often leads to family members assuming new roles, which brings new challenges while they are still grieving.
Gregorio found solace in coping mechanisms, including connecting with others and keeping the faith. “My work as a guidance advocate gives me purpose through pain,” he shared. “Discovering my father’s Bible with annotations on [the book of] Job and learning about his last song have brought me comfort and strength.”
His father’s memory motivated Gregorio to excel in his career and in his pursuit of a master’s degree in guidance and counseling. He said his further studies is “driven by the promise I made to my father to complete my education.”
For those who had lost a parent, Gregorio said: “Balance your responsibilities with family time. Don’t use work or studies to avoid grieving. Seek a support system and cherish those around you. And if grief becomes overwhelming, seek help.”
Manjares-Bulus said therapy can significantly aid in processing grief. “As trained professionals, we use evidence-based techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and acceptance commitment therapy to help individuals navigate their grief. Our goal is to guide them towards independence post-therapy.”
She added: “While achieving milestones without our parents is heartbreaking, we must cherish their memory and the loved ones still with us. Take time to grieve, embrace your feelings, and remain hopeful for tomorrow. One day, understanding will come, and we will feel their warm embrace again.”
When breath becomes air
Chrusita Maning, a 27-year-old corporate manager, recounted her late father’s courageous three-year battle with Stage 4B adenocarcinoma, a form of lung cancer linked to his work environment. The diagnosis came amid a global pandemic. “We were affected and shocked at that time since this is the first time we encountered cancer in our immediate family,” she shared.
Maning recalled that during her father’s wake, she “found it hard to cry amidst the bustling activities and constant stream of visitors.” The weight of her loss became palpable in quieter moments, as she sought comfort in memories captured in photographs and his father’s cherished belongings like his jackets.
As a client manager with a busy schedule, going through the grieving process while meeting the demands of adult life was a “constant struggle,” she said. “To create space for grieving amidst daily work pressures and the absence of my father’s daily presence is hard.”
Manjares-Bulus stressed the importance of going on a bereavement leave. “Gradually returning to work allows individuals to desensitize and resume responsibilities without compromising their mental health.”
Central to Maning’s coping mechanisms was embracing her emotions rather than suppressing them. “My sister’s reminder is to allow ourselves to cry,” she said. Sharing her feelings with loved ones and drawing strength from her faith played crucial roles in her journey. “Knowing my father’s faith sustains me, I find comfort in the belief that he rests in a better place.”
Manjares-Bulus debunked several myths about grief, including the notion that strong people don’t grieve or that time alone heals all wounds. “Grieving is a natural response, and seeking help is okay. Time can soften grief, but active coping is essential.”
“We experienced the outpouring of love and learned to trust God’s plan,” Maning shared. Her advice to others facing a similar loss? “Everyone grieves differently; it’s okay to seek help and lean on faith during these times.”
“You’re not alone,” she said. “Grieving isn’t about rushing through the pain but acknowledging the depth of your loss while gradually finding ways to navigate life without them. It’s a process that reveals each person’s uniqueness and usually helps us grow and mature.”
From the anguish of sudden goodbyes to finding solace in cherished memories, all their stories are testaments to the enduring impact of love and loss. Their journeys remind us that with the right support mechanism, grief can pave the path toward healing and resilience. – Kila Orozco/ Rappler.com
Kila Orozco is a Rappler intern.