[Two Pronged] My mother wants forgiveness, but I don’t want anything to do with her

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your message.

Stories abound of children expected to support their siblings through school and beyond. Some of these reveal parents who are doing their best but also are attempting to provide their children with a better life than theirs. Others reveal parents who have no compunction trying to escape their responsibilities towards their offspring. You do not say, Tony, why your parents expect you to take over their role or why they think you should subordinate your own self-fulfillment and happiness for their benefit, but it is clear that they believe it is their right to choose the family’s goals and saddle you with financing them.

In the face of your reluctance to fall into line, your mother seems to think family meetings will bolster her case. Given that you haven’t spoken to your mother for two years, I am not sure why she thinks this will persuade you to increase your contribution to the family finances unless it is simply that she believes that she can make you feel guilty for failing to toe the line. 

As for asking forgiveness, you are quite right to reject these efforts if they are insincere. However, if there is any chance that she IS sincere, perhaps you should test the water and offer an olive branch, in the hope that you can foster a better relationship. Proceed with caution of course since the past suggests she simply wants to squeeze more money out of you. In other words, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Best wishes,

JAFBaer

Dear Tony:

Thank you very much for your letter.  There is so many important issues that come up in family estrangements. One I have chosen NOT to focus on, due to space and time constraints and, in truth, not knowing enough about your mother and you, is the possibility that your mother sees your girlfriend as competition.  This is not just the obvious rivalry in terms of where your money goes, although that is certainly real and painful enough.  

This has to do with something more deep seated and thus, potentially more insidious; something which Sigmund Freud first discussed that many psychologists were uncomfortable with, but which seems to exist in some families:  the Oedipal complex. This is defined as the attachment of the child to the opposite-sexed parent, accompanied by envious and hostile feelings for the same-sexed parent; except in your family’s case, it is baliktad  (opposite).  Your mother may have unresolved issues about how (she may feel) your girlfriend has replaced her.  

Leaving that aside, let us deal with your more immediate concerns: 

You have set boundaries for yourself:  You still financially support your siblings’ education, but nothing more, despite your mother’s hints that more would be welcome.  For the past two years, you have had no contact with your mother, and that is the way you want it to continue.  

You feel safer with less contact with her, and understandably so: No ambush family meetings, no guilt-inducing, “you-owe-me” conversations, no (straightforward or underhanded) unfair criticisms of your girlfriend.

But now, she wants to change the parameters of your situation.  She has asked for “forgiveness,” suggesting at least one more face to face contact (but probably much more than that if she achieves her goal).  In addition to this undesirable possibility, you may fear the inevitability of even more “undesirables” should this occur: more direct pleas for money disguised as needs, rather than mere wants; perhaps even more attempts to emotionally blackmail you.

I cannot tell you whether you should reconcile or even whether you should meet her at any point in time and space. You have made it clear that you do not want anything to do with her. And that is okay.

However, a part of me wonders if, sometime in the future, you might start to think about communicating with her once more. It might be best for everyone concerned — including your girlfriend with whom you seem to have a solid relationship — if you eventually have a conversation or two with her.  But not necessarily now.  

You are probably super stressed given all the changes in your life. It might be a better idea to postpone, rather than completely say no to a future meeting. Two-pronged is not the sort of column that believes “family (or origin) above all” and other claptrap like that.  But it does recognize that healthy engagement is better than estrangement, especially when one remembers the proviso, “You can be compassionate and communicative and still decide not to give any more of yourself to others.”

All the very best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com