Plants wielding machetes should amaze and terrify you

Plants can hold machetes now, so I ranked living things holding blades that I would fight

If you know me, or have seen what I tweet, first of all I’m sorry.

Second of all, you’ll know that I love nothing more than swords and swordfighting. I love anime and if you know anything about anime, there’s a whole bunch of awesome swordfights.

Well, now I want an anime based around a (/clears throat) MACHETE-WIELDING HOUSEHOLD PLANT!

David Bowen, the inventor of said plant samurai, says that the plant has an open source micro controller connected to the plant to read resistance signals sent across the plants leaves. Then, Bowen used software that was custom made to map the resistance signals, getting the joints of the machete-wielding ninja plant to move.

So, in other words, the machete is controlled by the plants brain. Which is both mindblowingly awesome and terrifying. Imagine if you’re sleeping one night and then your hydrangeas try and take your entire bloodline out like Itachi Uchiha.

This plant, however, doesn’t seem very intimidating wielding a machete. The sword movements are slow and rigid, not very fit for any type of combat with someone else wielding a blade. In addition, despite being able to rotate 360 degrees, this ninja plant only seems to know the rudimentary swordfighting styles. I would solo this plant, minimal difficulty.

The sword plant seems to be on the lower tier of viral blade wielding objects or people we’ve seen. For your viewing pleasure, I will rank them by things that I would fight, one being the one I would least like to fight:

1. Crab wielding a knife

I don’t know what you did to piss off this crab, but I would take it back immediately. Crabs are ornery creatures, and they’re very low to the ground, so they’re taking out at least one Achilles tendon.

2. Turtle with knife strapped to its’ back

Dungeons and Dragons has never looked cooler. My next campaign I’m making a turtle with a knife attached to his back...is that just Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

3. Knife Crow

First off, this crow tampered with evidence in a crime. The crow knew what it was doing. Second, crows are evil, do you see that look on its’ face? The only reason it’s not one is because it’s not holding the hilt in its mouth. Dangerous move for a dangerous bird.

4. Knife Kid

This child is way too excited to have a knife. Listen to the exasperation in his mother’s (or legal guardians) voice as he sprints away with his new toy. I doubt he knows how to use that thing though, Knife Crab is getting him outta here with a quickness.

5. Plant holding a machete

Although a machete is larger, the plant’s movements are too slow and rigid. Needs more training to be the greatest swordsman alive.

BONUS: Orangutan holding a knife

This stems from the question that I debated with many other scholars (my friends in grad school over Potbelly sandwiches).

I am team orangutan with a sword once a year for two simple reasons:

One— THAT SOUNDS SO AWESOME!

Two—I’m creating a bond with this orangutan. A rivalry based out of respect and mastery of the blade. If I get 365 days to prep for our yearly battle, I expect my adversary to train in order to get stronger as well. A chicken in a car is just annoying. Swordfighting an orangutan in the middle of a busy office sounds like an anime I would 100% watch.