5 Questions Parents of Trans Youth May Not Think to Ask
“Mom, I’m transgender.”
What a gift you’ve been given! These three simple words are one of the most vulnerable displays of trust that a child can give to their parent. This is such a meaningful moment, but not one without fear. These conversations can kick off a rollercoaster of late-night googling, dictionaries of new language, and moments of dread and fear for our loved ones. A thousand questions come to mind: “How will I know I’m doing the right thing?” … “Will my child be safe?” … “Will they be loved?” … “Will they be happy?” It can feel overwhelming, and often parents have no idea where to start.
As a transgender man who came out 10 years ago, and as a passionate advocate for transgender youth and their families, here are five questions every parent should ask when their child comes out as transgender.
What does my child want their coming out process to look like?
There are likely a few assumptions that you’re making coming into this journey. Maybe you’re imagining a dramatic coming out conversation to the whole family, a major style change, or a medical transition. While these are things that many people will choose to do, rather than viewing these all as steps towards a finish line, we should view these as tools in a toolbox; you don’t have to use every tool right away (or at all) to build something beautiful. Let your child tell you what the blueprint is!
What resources are available to me and my child in our community?
For many parents, this journey can be extremely isolating. Not knowing who in your social or family circles you can trust to respect you and your child can leave parents feeling cut off from vital social support. While it might feel like you’re doing this alone, it’s crucial to recognize that you likely aren’t the first family to go through this in your state, your city or town, your school, or your faith community. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel—find city, region, or state-wide organizations devoted to supporting LGBTQ+ people and families like yours to help show you the way. You may be surprised at just how many are out there.
What support systems do I have to process my feelings outside of my child?
There are so many feelings that can come up when a child comes out as transgender, and no one can tell you not to feel those feelings. For your child, though, they may misinterpret your stress, confusion, or fear as a lack of support. Finding a support group of people who are working through similar feelings as you or have in the past, or working privately with a therapist, can be amazing ways to ensure that you can meet your child with nothing but love.
Why and how can I celebrate this moment with my child?
While it can feel like the most important part of supporting your child is to anticipate and address every problem that might arise from public restrooms to grandparents struggling with pronouns, this is only part of a rich allyship strategy. We want to make sure our children know that their identity isn’t just a series of problems to be solved, it’s also something beautiful and special and worth celebrating. How are you finding ways to show your pride and joy in your child? Examples might include marking the anniversary of their coming out as a “rebirthday”, having a “gender re-reveal” party, or having a family photo shoot to fill the home with pictures where everyone feels seen.
How can I allow my child to experience a joyful childhood throughout this journey?
For so many transgender young people, the cost of coming out is typically steep. In order to receive safety and respect, we must become experts on language and vocabulary, professionals in de-escalation, and above all else, perfectly patient. Constantly having to advocate for ourselves and our needs in personal, social, educational, and legal settings often forces us to mature incredibly quickly. For me, I knew that if I wasn’t patient or well-spoken enough, I wouldn’t receive support from the people around me, nor would the kids who came out after me in my community. It is crucial to remember that our kids are still kids, and that means they should get to be silly, colorful, curious, and anything but brave.
At the start of this article, I mentioned the rollercoaster of emotions, and I think the metaphor of a rollercoaster actually works quite nicely here. Rollercoasters can be terrifying, no two ways about it, but there’s a reason we get in line anyway. The reason we feel safe getting on a rollercoaster is because even if it’s our first time on board, we know that that rollercoaster track was designed by a group of experienced professionals with everyone’s safety in mind. Thousands of families just like ours have ridden this loop before, and they’ve made it out the other side with smiles on their faces. Though they’re scary, rollercoasters can be fun. So can transitions.
So hang on tight — and don’t forget to enjoy the ride.
Ben Greene is a trans man, transgender advocate, author, and educator who has spoken internationally on topics surrounding transgender inclusion. His book My Child is Trans, Now What?: A Joy-Centered Approach to Support explains what to expect, what systems exist to support trans youth, and what loved ones can do to help.
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