The Real 2024 Pro Bowl Losers Are Those Watching

With a 64–59 final score, the annual flag football game hosted in Orlando on Sunday has lost any pride or high regard that once accompanied it.

Typically, I relish an assignment.

It might be a Monday night game at Arrowhead Stadium, or a Thursday night affair at Lambeau Field. It could be breaking down the upcoming free-agent class or a historical project that took almost seven months to complete.

Point is, I’m flexible and a lover of all things football. I’d like to think I’m a good hang, as the kids say.

But this is too far. My editor made me watch the 2024 NFL Pro Bowl in search of winners and losers.

In the morning, I went to my church and lit every candle for my soul. In the early afternoon, I ate two gallons of ice cream trying to dull the coming pain. Nothing worked (well, the candles might work; that’s for the future to decide).

Yet, for now, here I am. The ultimate team player stuck with an assignment designed to break my will.

Let’s get into this embarrassment.

Winners

Nobody. Not a soul on earth.

Losers

All defensive coaches: The score of this atrocity was 64–59, with the competition level of two frat guys playing darts after a 4 a.m. rave. Not surprisingly, the defense was nonexistent for this flag football event, with the offenses being able to score at will. We’re all here for the entertainment value of scoring points, but when the obstacles are basically “don’t trip,” it’s not that enticing.

The sport of football: Remember when the Pro Bowl was actually a fun event? Me, too. There was contact, and there was some semblance of pride. There was a game that mixed fun and daring with competitiveness. While the Pro Bowl has been a disaster for years, it’s now something being played in sunglasses, T-shirts and hats. The people who paid to watch at Camping World Stadium should be ashamed.

The officials: Can you imagine being asked to officiate a flag football game in Orlando, Fla.? The conversation must have been something along the lines of, Hey, how about a free trip and a few meal vouchers to Disney World? Unless this was somehow paying for a future family trip to the Magic Kingdom, the indignity suffered was far too great a cost.

Related: Hey, NFL, It’s Time to Fix the Pro Bowl

The Manning Brothers: Listen, I know they’re getting paid. That’s not lost on yours truly. But considering the amount of money they’ve already made from being ESPN personalities, product endorsers and, yes, NFL quarterbacks, I’m guessing this paycheck wasn’t exactly changing their portfolios. In one sense, I respect the commitment. On the other, they’re willfully participating in the worst thing to happen to NFL football since Urban Meyer.

Me: Yes, I’m a loser as well. Instead of taking a weekend off to relax between the conference championship games and Super Bowl LVIII, I’m sitting here watching Baker Mayfield somehow manage to throw an interception in flag football. The NFL can laugh at my column all it wants, because it got a rating out of me. I’m a sucker.