How to Tell Co-Workers That You’re Getting Divorced

Dear Boss,
 
My husband and I are splitting up after eight years together. We’ve had issues that we’ve been working on for a long time, but the final split happened fairly suddenly, and I’m reeling right now.
 
On top of everything else I’m dealing with (including finding a new place to live, getting off his health insurance, etc.), I’m wondering how to talk about my divorce at work. My co-workers have met my husband at many events over the years, and I’ve talked about him a lot. I don’t know how to tell people we’re splitting up without inviting a ton of questions, none of which I’m really ready to talk about right now. I also don’t want to trauma-dump on people I work with! 
 
We do usually make time at the beginning of our team meetings for people to share any personal updates, so I thought maybe I could mention it then, but people usually share happier things like an upcoming vacation or (sob) a wedding. Do I just … announce it then and say I don’t really want to talk about it? That feels incredibly awkward. But telling people one-on-one feels awkward too, and that would be a dozen individual awkward conversations instead of just one big one. 
 
I’m undecided on whether I’m going to change my name back to my maiden name, but if I do that, I’ll obviously need a way to explain it.
 
I also will need some time off to deal with logistical stuff, like lawyers and my impending move. My boss is pretty flexible with time off, but I’m worried this is going to take over my life for a while. Can I just … say that? Explain that I’m about to have a couple of months of a higher-than-normal level of outside commitments, but that it won’t go on forever?
 
An additional complicating factor is that our professional worlds have some overlap: We’re in adjacent industries, and we know a lot of the same people professionally. I feel like I’m going to be fielding “How’s Jim?” inquiries for years and having to reexplain the divorce every time.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this!

The big thing to know is that most people at work will take their cues from you. If you share the news in a way that’s matter-of-fact and low-key, that will signal to your colleagues to respond in kind … whereas if you’re obviously upset, most people’s instincts will be to try to comfort you, which will lead to the kinds of conversations you’re trying to avoid. The best thing to do is to have some language prepared and ready to go so that you don’t accidentally overshare because you’re caught off-guard. Say something simple and direct like, “Jim and I have decided to split up.” Then you can quickly follow that up with, “It’s a tough time, but we’re getting through it okay,” or any other wording that feels natural to you while assuring people that you are in fact carrying on (or at least not about to break down in the office).

As for when to share that news and in what forum, that’s really up to you. There’s no right or wrong answer. If you’d be more comfortable making one announcement at a meeting and getting it over with, that’s absolutely fine. But there are other alternatives, too.

One option is to not make a formal announcement at all. You can simply stop mentioning your ex, and if the topic comes up organically — like if a colleague asks what the two of you are doing for the holidays — you can say, “Jim and I actually split up.” The person you’re talking to will probably look sad and offer their condolences. You can just say, “Thank you, I’m doing okay,” and then immediately pivot to a different topic. Most colleagues won’t expect you to go into the details, and changing the subject is a clear signal that you don’t want to get into it. If someone ignores your cues and asks what happened or otherwise tries to talk about it, you can just say, “I’d rather not get into the details. Thanks for understanding.”

Another option is to share the news with one trusted co-worker and ask them to discreetly spread the word, including telling people that you don’t want to talk about it at work. That will save you from having to explain it over and over, and it will also spare you from people’s initial reactions or expressions of sadness. If you have a co-worker who’s known to be gossipy, this is the ideal job for them.

If you do decide to change back to your original name, you can be matter-of-fact about that, too: “I’ve gone back to my maiden name, so I’m now Jane Smith.” That language doesn’t even mention divorce, just the relevant facts. But it would also be fine to say, “I’ve switched back to my original name, Jane Smith, since my divorce.” If you’re upbeat and matter-of-fact about it, people will likely take their cues from you and not make it awkward.

Finally, yes, let your boss know that you’ll have extra appointments over the next few months to deal with the situation and that you’ll keep her in the loop about what time you need. How open to be depends on your relationship with your boss. You could simply say, “I’m starting the process of a divorce, so there are going to be some meetings and court dates that I won’t be able to move. I’ll work around it as best as I can, but I wanted to give you a heads-up about it.” The advantage of being fairly open, if you’re comfortable, is that it will help a decent boss to be more understanding if they notice you don’t seem as focused as you normally do. It’s a lot easier for managers to give people grace when they know what’s happening in their lives.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and I hope you get through this period as smoothly and peacefully as you can.