‘MACA’: Conservative ice cream company announces new flavors

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Patriots, are you tired of woke ice cream? Ben & Jerry’s has alienated millions of hardworking Americans with its liberal nonsense, and it’s about time that there was an ice cream for real America. Allow us to introduce to you to MACA Ice Cream, the Make America (ice) Cream Again Ice Cream. Check out our list of flavors:

Vanilla

The purest of the flavors. We hand inspect every batch to make sure no DEI chocolate chips made it in.

Greene Tea

Like a Jewish space laser, Greene Tea ice cream will melt all your worries away.

Bob Dole Whip

A war-tested classic. Was it ever your favorite? No. But he was fighting Nazis before your parents were conceived. Yes, I’m still talking about ice cream.

Petenut Butter

Cause if you’re gonna invade Portland, you’ll need a strong set of nuts.

Kashew Patel

You wanna get nuts, let’s get nuts. Our intense quality control makes sure that all the cashews are a little too close together.

Chocolate Chip Cookie DOGE

The perfect ice cream for your diet plan, because we cut out all the fat! We also got rid of the protein, calcium, the milk… really everything. It’s just the carton.

Karoline Lemon

“Who likes it?” you ask. Your mom.

JD’s Italian Vice

This cool treat is in honor of the late Pope Francis. JD’s Italian Vice can be taken home and enjoyed from the comfort of your own couch. It won’t go any further than that. It can’t. It’s forbidden.

Krispie Noem

Don’t want to leave the family pet at home? Well, then bring them along, because this is our designated dog-friendly flavor. Ask us about our Last Meal discount.

RFK Mint Junior

Made with unpasteurized ice cream. If you get sick, it’s not the FDA’s fault: it’s your weak stomach’s.

Thoughts and Pralines

For every scoop of Thoughts and Pralines purchased, we’ll donate one thought or prayer to victims of school shootings (limited to 5,000 a year).

Trump Ice Cream Twenty Twenty Cake

Eight layers, one for each term he has yet to serve.

All flavors are available as a small, medium, and Arnold Palmer. For just $16 each, take MACA ice cream home to the family in a Turning Pint. Unlike Signal Chats, they never leak.

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