I felt nothing when Mum died and I cheated my lover out of a baby — my life as a psychopath like Killing Eve’s Villanelle
JODIE Comer is the psychopathic murderer who has captivated a nation in TV spy thriller Killing Eve. The definition of the condition is someone who has a chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour. One in every thousand people in the UK is thought to have the traits, most being men. So what […]
JODIE Comer is the psychopathic murderer who has captivated a nation in TV spy thriller Killing Eve.
The definition of the condition is someone who has a chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour.
One in every thousand people in the UK is thought to have the traits, most being men. So what is it like if you DO fall into the category of a psychopath?
Michelle, 37, a sales director from Slough, Berks, has been diagnosed with the condition.
Here, she explains how it shapes her life . . .
“With highlights, red lipstick, stylish clothes and heels, you’d probably know from looking at me that I was successful at my job. And I hope you’d say I was attractive.
But what I bet you wouldn’t guess, even if you had known me for years, is my darkest secret.
I’m a psychopath. Mention that word and most people think of fictional characters similar to Hannibal Lecter and Villanelle, or real serial killers such as Ted Bundy.
We’re not all like that. In fact, lots of us aren’t violent.
Being a functioning psychopath, which is also known as having Antisocial Personality Disorder, is a recognised, long-term mental health issue.
I’m certainly not a murderer plotting my next kill and I’ve never even knowingly committed a crime.
Psychopaths are automatically considered dangerous, so only my therapist knows.
You probably already know a functioning psycho. We have friends, family, partners and even kids.
Just like my unsuspecting neighbours, you might be living next door to one, too . . .
MARCH 18 2015
Today I discovered I am a psychopath, and I’ve probably been one all my life.
I was diagnosed by a test called Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist. If you score 30 or more on a series of questions you fulfil the criteria for a psychopath. The higher the score, the more extreme your behaviour is likely to be.
Kathy Bates in Misery or Jodie Comer in Killing Eve would be a top score of 40.
I got 30 and am a non- violent psycho. More champion manipulator than murderess.
I was diagnosed when having therapy after a break-up. Yet again, I felt nothing when a relationship ended and I was curious to know why.
Being told I was a psycho was a relief.
I had a normal childhood. My dad worked for the council and my mum was an office manager. I’ve also got an older brother.
I had lots of friends but always felt different, with thoughts I sensed I should never say out loud.
At ten, a girl in my class died in a car accident and I vividly recall everyone wailing and sobbing about it.
I didn’t cry, I was pleased. She was an annoying girl who no one really liked. At least now we wouldn’t have to put up with her.
I had lots of friends but always felt different, with thoughts I sensed I should never say out loud.
At school I’d make up stories to get my own way and people always believed me.
Aged 13, I told Mum I was being bullied by my English teacher because I didn’t like her. It wasn’t true, but Mum complained and I got to move class. Not long after that the teacher left the school.
I’d fib all the time and I didn’t care if others were hurt.
These were the warning signs I was a psychopath.
MAY 10 2016
Simon, my boyfriend of four years, has left me. I should be upset but I’m not. He was 43 and desperate for children.
I wasn’t and it was hard work making sure that didn’t happen. To keep him quiet I carried on taking the Pill in secret and told him doctors had previously said I couldn’t conceive, which was a lie.
I hoped he’d drop it but he paid for fertility tests.
That was a pain. I had to stop taking the Pill, then act surprised when they said all was normal. Afterwards I went back on the Pill, while Simon became even more obsessed about us trying.
Every month his face fell when I told him we’d been unsuccessful again.
I knew it was making him sad but the goal was me not getting pregnant — and nothing else mattered to me.
Before he left, Simon described me as cold and uncaring. It’s probably true.
He wanted an emotional connection from me I genuinely couldn’t feel.
I find it hard to treat partners differently to anyone else, even though I’m having sex with them.
I only recognise love as a type of power I can have over someone. That’s why I play games.
AUGUST 9 2016
It was Mum’s funeral today. She died unexpectedly from a heart attack and everyone around me is shrouded in grief.
I haven’t shed a single tear. Everyone presumes I’m in shock and, of course, I tell people how devastated I am. The truth is I just don’t care.
I only recognise love as a type of power I can have over someone. That’s why I play games.
After my brother Chris called to say Mum had died, I went out for drinks as planned, met a bloke and had a one-night-stand.
That’s how I’ve always felt about my family and boyfriends — irritation that I’m expected to behave differently towards them. I don’t get it.
When Dad was hospitalised with pneumonia a few months after Mum died. I told my brother I couldn’t go to see him as I was away at a work conference for a week.
It wasn’t true. I was in the office as normal and in the evening, when he called with updates, I screened his calls or pretended I had to rush off for work dinners. I was just at home watching TV.
I will always remember watching my dad, Chris and all of Mum’s friends break down at the crematorium and not feeling upset or sad at all.
I just felt detached and curious, wondering what it must be like to be so overcome with grief.
Psychos can’t feel empathy so I couldn’t understand it at all. My mind was on a big sales pitch coming up at work.
I could have been watching someone scan groceries at the supermarket checkout for all the emotion I felt watching Mum’s coffin disappear.
FEBRUARY 6 2017
I was promoted to sales director at the technology company where I’ve worked for two years. I didn’t get the job by luck.
From the moment I started I was careful to cultivate a good relationship with Melissa, the previous sales director, who was my boss.
I noticed what clothes she wore and dressed in similar labels so we could chat about that. Then I suggested a shopping trip. I knew she loved yoga, so bought a mat and took it to work.
When she noticed it, exactly as I’d planned, we started going to classes together.
We quickly became close and went for drinks regularly. I met her fiancé and even went to her house with Simon.
I was the only colleague at her wedding, where she asked me to do a reading, and the only workmate she told when she started trying for a baby.
I had a game plan. From the moment I met Melissa I knew her job would be mine.
When the time came to arrange maternity cover, I was the obvious choice. Melissa recommended me without hesitating. From the moment I took over I made sure I outperformed her. That part was easy.
I’m brilliant at my job. We psychopaths are proven to make very successful leaders because we tend to be ruthless.
The right business decisions are easy to make when you remove emotion.
And it’s a faster climb to the top when you don’t care about the repercussions for those you trample over on the way up.
Melissa came back briefly after her baby was born and for six painful months I had to grit my teeth, play a long game and return to my old role.
We psychopaths are proven to make very successful leaders because we tend to be ruthless.
But by working twice as hard as she had while she was away I ensured she returned to a workload which was impossible for her to keep up with.
Professionally, I made sure I was indispensable while Melissa struggled to juggle everything. I took over when she couldn’t cope and made sure everyone else in the team had to pick up the slack too.
Then I stood back quietly when they all bitched about her. When I stepped in to cover a big presentation at the last minute when she had a childcare issue, it won us a big account.
Everyone was reminded how good I had been at the role. And most importantly, they noticed Melissa wasn’t there.
It was obvious Melissa was cracking under the pressure.
As her “friend” I offered a shoulder to cry on when she told me how stressed she was. I let her decide she couldn’t cope any more.
Then I encouraged her to leave and to enjoy being a mum for now, which is what she eventually did.
Some call that manipulation. I call it best for everyone. I don’t feel guilty about it at all.
MAY 6 2018
One of my team at work is doing a sponsored run to raise funds for a local animal rescue centre. I make appropriate sad noises when she shows me Facebook pictures of the centre’s neglected dogs.
The bedraggled mutts who are obviously in pain actually annoy me.
I don’t want to hurt the dogs myself but my brain says, ‘Wouldn’t it be better to put them out of their misery straight away?’
It’s a quicker, more efficient solution to the problem. What’s the point in saving them?
Functioning non-violent psychopaths, as I am, don’t go on killing sprees.
But we do share typical personality traits with the ones who do.
Most of us don’t feel remorse or empathy like “normal” people do.
We’re often deceitful and ruthless, we rarely feel guilty about anything and we lack self-awareness and morals.
Functioning non-violent psychopaths, as I am, don’t go on killing sprees.
And we get very good at hiding these things. If you met me you would probably describe me as being charming and friendly.
I have studied others carefully, so I know what to say and do to make it seem like I am the same as you.
The correct response to an injured puppy is to make a donation, look sad and pretend to be horrified, even though I think they’d be better off dead.
AUGUST 15 2018
I took my six-year-old goddaughter, Chloe, to the park.
Her mum obviously has no idea that a psychopath is on babysitting duty.
Maybe it’s no bad thing that Chloe has me around.
I’ll be helping to teach her to get away with it and get ahead in life, just like I do.
JUNE 8 2019
It’s a boxset and a bottle of wine for me tonight. Yes, psychopaths like watching TV too.
It makes me laugh how we are the basis of so many TV shows.
I’m not a killer like Villanelle but I recognise some of her personality traits in myself.
Manipulating people is just how my brain works. I can’t help myself.
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I’m on Tinder but only use it for casual hook-ups. Once I’ve got what I want from a man I ghost them.
Everyone’s worst nightmare is meeting a psycho on a dating app.
But it’s why I enjoy and can cope with the no-strings sex men on there seem to want.”
Are you a psycho? Take the test
How did you do?
After ticking one of the four boxes in each question above, add up your score. There are zero points for saying “strongly disagree”, one for “disagree”, two for “agree” and three for “strongly agree”. Then find out what level of psychopath you are, based on the points categories below.
0-10 points: You have very few characteristics of a psychopath. You have a conscience, possess empathy and have a heightened idea of social responsibility. You try to avoid hurting others and are a “people person”.
11-21 points: You have a conscience but are not afraid to do your own dirty work thanks to your pragmatic streak. You can empathise with others but you are no pushover. But while you are no daredevil, you are also no shrinking violet.
22-31 points: You have scored fairly highly on the psychopathic spectrum because you know what you want in life and getting the job done is always more important than right or wrong. You are decisive, not afraid to bend the rules and are not fazed if this upsets others.
32-33 points: You have scored highly on the psychopathic spectrum. But being psychopathic does not necessarily mean you are a serial killer – or even that you will break the law. Some of these personality traits, such as charm, fearlessness and persuasiveness, can be a positive and might come in handy in life, especially at work.
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