My wife is having an affair with the neighbour we once had a threesome with

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife and I were both into swinging until she suddenly stopped wanting to go. Then I discovered she was having an affair with a guy we had a threesome with.

I am 33, my wife is 31 and we have been together for ten years. About three years ago we — well, mainly I — felt our sex life was getting a bit samey and we agreed to try a threesome and swinging.

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We had a neighbour, a single guy a couple of years older than me, we often used to invite round for a drink. We got talking about what we’d tried sexually one night and it led to us having a threesome.

Basically, the guy and I both made love with my wife — there was no guy-on-guy stuff. It felt exciting at the time but I felt uncomfortable about it afterwards.

I didn’t like it when I had to watch him with my wife so said no to any more. That was a year go and he has since moved.

After that I went looking on a swinging site and a couple not too far away invited us round with other like-minded couples. At first it was just drinking and chatting. Then couples started to pair off and go into the bedrooms. A man put his arm round my wife’s shoulders and she allowed him to lead her away.

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An attractive woman sitting over the other side of the room came to me and said, “Let’s go”. I followed her into the dining room. She shut the door and began to undress me. By this time I was too aroused to not let things take their course.

The only thing I said to my wife on the way home was to ask if she was all right and if she wanted to go there again. She said she did and this went on for months.
Then one day last month she said she thought we should stop going.

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She had started going out one evening a week, saying she was seeing an old school friend whose marriage had broken up.

But one night that friend phoned, crying. When I confronted my wife, she admitted she was having an affair with our former neighbour.

She promises she has ended it but I was devastated and have gone off the idea of sex and totally lost my sex drive.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sharing your sex life with other people so often leads to problems, as many find that feelings “follow” sex.

Tell your wife how sorry you are if you gave her the impression that she isn’t enough for your sexually. Say that it’s important to you that her affair is genuinely over but that you are going to do all you can to enrich the sex life you share.

I realise you feel you have lost your sexual mojo but that can be rediscovered along with widening your sexual repertoire between the two of you so you feel no need to look elsewhere.

My e-leaflets Solving Erection Problems and 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex explain.

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