We’ve all had sex rated 1/10 like Katie Price – from nearly falling out of a window to getting steamy in dog poo
WE all think that everybody else is having a fantastic, earth-moving time between the sheets, but the truth is, almost everyone has experienced bad – or embarrassing – sex.
Whether it’s a lack of chemistry, a horrible location, or just sheer laziness, sometimes instead of shouting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” we’d rather shout “No! No! No!”
Even celebrities aren’t immune to bad sex — Katie Price’s former toy boy rated her as a one out of ten in bed last year.
Ex-boyfriend Charles Drury said she was a “bit lazy” and left snotty tissues all around the bedroom which he had to clean up.
And he’s far from alone in his less-than-perfect encounter.
Eminem’s ex-wife Kim unkindly told the world that the rapper wasn’t very well-endowed and rubbish in bed, stating: “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.”
Although, to be fair, he did talk about kidnapping and murdering her in one of his songs.
Madonna’s ex, film director Guy Ritchie, famously compared going to bed with the ultra-toned star to “cuddling up to a piece of gristle”.
Even Elvis Presley was said to be rubbish in the sack, with ex-girlfriend actress Natalie Wood reported as saying: “He didn’t know how to screw.”
A recent US study found that three in five people admitted to starting off a relationship with terrible sex, with 56 per cent of respondents having awkward first-time experiences in the bedroom.
The good news is that only three in 10 said they’d break things off with someone if the sex was not good the first time.
Here, five Sun readers reveal all about the embarrassing or unsatisfying sex episodes they’d rather forget…
We did the deed in dog poo
Accounts assistant Anne Richard, 22, is married and lives in Newcastle
She says: “A few years ago, I went out clubbing with my boyfriend.
I’d knocked back vodka and limes all evening and by the early hours, when it was time to head home, we were both well oiled.
When I’ve had a drink I’m in a frisky mood. But there was nowhere to go to have sex.
I still lived with my parents, so we couldn’t have sex at mine.
On our way to the bus stop, we noticed a park. As I’m a big fan of outdoor sex, it seemed the ideal spot, and my boyfriend didn’t take much persuading.
So we wouldn’t get caught or spotted, we found a private place behind some dense shrubbery. It was summer and I was wearing a gorgeous, flowery, mini dress.
I lay down and things started getting hot and heavy.
Then I discovered — or rather smelt — to my horror, that I was lying in dog poo.
A bloody dog walker had failed to scoop up his dog’s mess and it was smeared all down my back.
That killed off our sexual ardour quicker than you could say, ‘Down boy!’
To make matters worse, I tried and failed to wipe the poo off the back of my dress.
I’ll never forget the humiliation of getting on the bus home stinking of dog poo.
Even worse, Mum went mad when she found out I’d ruined my best dress. And I couldn’t explain how.
I almost fell from a sixth floor window
Body positivity coach Bridget Zyka, 39, is married and lives in north London
She says: “My worst sexual experience wasn’t so much bad, as downright dangerous.
In my 20s I lived in Canada for a year and stayed at a YMCA in Toronto, where I was sleeping in dormitory bunk beds.
I had the top bunk in a sixth floor dormitory — which was not very conducive to sex, as you can imagine.
That summer, I started seeing a guy and we decided to try to have sex in my very narrow bunk bed.
It was extremely hot, so all the windows were open. I was on the bottom, with him on top, but there was so little room to move that I ended up sticking my leg out the window.
We were lost in the moment when I suddenly realised there was more of my leg out of the window than in. Just one more thrust could have sent me flying out the window.
We were both in danger of falling six floors to our deaths while going at it hammer and tong.”
His mum nearly sat on our used condom
Accounts manager Sarah Bates, 24, lives in Manchester
She says: “They say you’ll never forget your first love. I’ll also never forget his mum!
I was in my late teens and ga-ga over my first serious boyfriend. Unfortunately, we never had anywhere private to get intimate with one another and my boyfriend’s mum had even banned me from staying over.
We didn’t let that stop us. One afternoon I went over to his house when his mum was at work.
We were in the middle of ‘doing the deed’ when we heard the front door open.
It was my boyfriend’s mum who had unexpectedly finished work early.
In a panic, we jumped out of bed and, like an absolute idiot, my boyfriend took the condom off and threw it out of the window.
We peered out to see that it had landed on his mum’s favourite garden chair.
When we were finally dressed, we crept downstairs. But we were too late. It was a sunny day and his mum decided to go straight outside.
Through the kitchen window, we watched in horror as she approached the garden chair.
She was just about to sink into it when she noticed the slippery and obviously just-used condom lying on the headrest.
She was so disgusted and angry that she screamed at my boyfriend, calling him every name under the sun.
Then she made him go and clear it up. I was so embarrassed. And I’m sure got the blame for leading him astray.
I flashed my wares to the wrong man
Warehouse distribution supervisor Melanie Leonard, 33, lives in Derby
She says: “During my early 20s, despite being in a long-term relationship, I had an affair with my married boss.
It was illicit and exciting and we both had high sex drives. No one else knew and no one got hurt.
We’d meet for sex in hotel rooms. He’d text me where and when and tell me how he wanted me to dress — nothing kinky, just a bit of role play.
He loved me to wear naughty red underwear with suspenders, or a black and white maid’s outfit; harmless stuff that I didn’t mind slipping into.
He was dead boring in the office and so I got a massive kick out of being able to dominate him in the bedroom.
One day, he texted me his hotel room number, as usual. This time, he asked me to wear a trench coat and to choose what to wear underneath.
So I headed to his room in my highest heels, donning my sexiest black underwear, and absolutely nothing else, under my long trench coat.
I undid my coat and knocked on the door, arranging myself in my sexiest pose. Then I waited.
When the door opened I was greeted by a bloke in his mid-60s — a bloke who very definitely wasn’t my boss.
He looked so shocked that I thought he was going to keel over with a heart attack, before he finally managed to say, ‘I didn’t order you’.
My boss had given me the wrong bloody hotel!”
We got caught in a barn
Jill Pennington, 50 is a glampsite owner from Holmfirth, West Yorkshire
She says: “I live in the Yorkshire countryside. One summer, I was walking through a forest with my then boyfriend, when we stumbled upon a barn belonging to an empty farmhouse.
It seemed the perfect location for some sexy fun and before long, we were naked and frolicking in the straw.
Suddenly, we heard voices outside. We had no idea if they belonged to random passersby, or whoever owned the barn.
If they came in and caught us having sex it would be beyond embarrassing.
But, on the other hand, if we both walked out of the barn together, it would be obvious what we’d been getting up to.
So, I decided to hide amongst the straw bales, while my bloke casually stepped outside (dressed!) and struck up a conversation with people we’d overheard — a couple.
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He made small talk, even asking if the place was for sale, and then sauntered off into the forest, as if he’d gone out for a stroll alone.
Eventually, when he thought the coast was clear, he came back to get me. But as we walked out of the barn, we bumped into the same couple.
I said ‘hello’, and my friend was so embarrassed, he pretended he’d never seen them before in his life!”